Untitled Document

Untitled Part Eleven - Mason

Jannett found a megaphone last week at the expense of everyone on camp.

I struggle to get out of bed. If I thought I was tired before, I was wrong. It's worse now that I was doing better for a time. The weight of the hiding and the confusion, the lying, it's all coming down at once on me. I don't want to go to the library this morning. I don't want to get up for training. I just want to lay here and think.

I think, that pretending might not be so bad and I think I might be starting to like it.

I think that it's the doubt that's worse, and the guilt. I could pretend forever and never come to, telling myself we're only friends, we could be close like this forever but that would be lying, and lying is wrong because the truth always comes out eventually and when it does, everyone gets hurt.

I think that it hurts because it's true, for me. We could be friends like this forever. But not for Anita. This is not her truth. Eventually she'll want more, and I'll forever want to want more, but alas, some things aren't meant to be.

If it were up to me, I'd never speak on it again. That would be selfish though, because I'll be hurting Anita. I'll need to be honest with her someday, I think I've begun to come to terms with accepting myself, but that wasn't the same since I think I've always known deep down. Anita is different from my other friends, but not different in the sense I want to date her. I want us to have a companionship with each other, have a life together, but not dating. Never dating.

God, what am I going to do?

The noise of the microphone comes closer to our cabin.

Today, I'm going to get up, and I am going to continue on as I have for the last month: pretending, at least until I figure out how to tell Anita I can't love her the way she can love me. The last thing I want to come of this is to hurt her. This feeling is the worst, the wanting, having something within my reach and not being just quite able to grasp it.

A sudden, jolting weight bounces on my bed. The impact of Anita's jump onto the bed weighs on the springs, forcing me to jump when she does. My eyes go wide at her presence, I was so lost in thought I never would have noticed she was here.

"Hi," I say breathlessly, startled.

"Morning!" Anita smiles widely at me and leans forwards on her elbows so her feet dangle off the edge of the bed. I can smell the listerine clinging to her jumper, it's tangy. "Ready for another day of 'training'?"

I roll my eyes. "Y'know, I really forgot just how competitive your mom is."

Anita shrugs, hands resting on her chin. "Just wait until game day. The competitiveness doesn't end with just her, you know." She winks at me, eyebrows raising after the action.

"Shut up!" I tease as I shove her off the bed, hoping it's enough to hide the uncomfortable twitch in my fingers.

From the floor Anita laughs quietly to herself, it almost sounds sad. "I missed you."

I scoff playfully, "what do you mean? I've been with you non-stop for the last month, lord help me!"

Anita's eyes peek over the edge of the bed, suddenly gone serious. "I mean, you know, before... this."

I twiddle my fingers, interweaving them between the thin comforter. "Yeah," I admit finally, "I missed you too."

The air in the small cabin goes still, both of us holding our breath. Outside, it looks like it will be a nice day; the sun shines, sparkling on the water; the family is lively and milling abou;, the flowers reach to the sky, waiting to dance in the wind. In the trees, the birds sing loudly enough I can hear them through the closed window. If I didn't know they were warning each other I would think it's beautiful.

"Mason?" Anita breaks the silence that felt an eternity long. "We're okay now, right?"

I can't help but laugh at her question. If we weren't okay now then the last couple weeks of my life have been wasted on all the obsessing I've been up to beyond her knowledge. "Yeah, we're fine now. Though I thought we established this a while back?"
"I mean," Now it's her turn to fidget. "I mean, yeah, we did. But I never really gave you an explanation and- I don't know- at the very least I think I owe you an explanation."

I shrug. She's not wrong. "I guess so, but you're not a jerk. I just assumed you had a good reason and you would tell me when you were ready and then I would sit and listen."

Silence.

"Are you ready?"

"Yeah. Yeah I am."

"Okay. Then I'll listen."

Anita takes a steadying breath, straightening herself so her back is against the cabin wall, her head resting back and knees drawn up close to her chest. I remain in my criss-crossed position, hands fiddling in my lap. "Maisy," she begins, eyes looking just beyond me. "I left you because I was scared and I was scared because-"

"GIRLS!"

A thundering voice drowns out what Anita was saying, coming from our doorway. At once we both turn towards it.

Jannett stands before us, looking thoroughly pleased with herself, megaphone raised to her mouth. Once she has our attention she lowers that megaphone, raising her arms in question. "What does this vacation look like to you? A holiday?" She's only partially joking. "Come on! We're not through just yet with training! We MUST show up those damned Chelseas!" And without another word to us she leaves, gone to torment someone else who's fallen behind on schedule.

Anita and I sit in silence for a long time. Longer than Jannett would like, I assume.

The moment is gone.

This time, when the birds chirp their warnings, I listen.

"Come on," I offer my hand to Anita to help her off the floor, forcing myself out of bed. "Let's get this training over with."