Harry
I remember the first time I saw him. I had to keep sneaking glances at his face. Until he caught me and smiled a shy smile and my face turned pink at the action of being caught. When we said hi to each other, I'd yet to ever feel so excited over meeting a stranger before. He seemed so reserved that I was fearful of being annoying around him. That was until we ran into each other again a couple of days later and he smiled bright at me.
"Hey stranger, you disappeared. "
"Hi Zayn, im just hanging out trying to stay out of trouble."
"I get it. Hey do you want to hang out? Maybe practice a couple songs together?"
"Uh ye... yeah! Lets do it"
That day we learned so much about each other but more than anything I learned that I could make him laugh so easily and have an uneasy feeling in my stomach when he would put his arm around my shoulder.
Who knew that I would fall so deeply in love with him. He always made me feel comfortable and seen. He knew how to give me the attention I craved. And now I might have lost him. He loved me. He really did. And he thinks I never noticed the way his eyes would fill with worry for a second after our kisses but I knew. I knew that by loving me he was going against everything he was supposed be and that scared him. He was horrified of letting his family down, but then he would look at me in the eyes, as to tether himself back to our reality. The one full of hope. Full of love and admiration. He would say "you are my home." And I knew that statement meant everything to him. He was reminding himself.
I always knew he was wise beyond his years and different than the rest of us. He thrived in a calm environment. He needed stability and just wanted to love and be loved. While the rest of us wanted to live, wild and free. Zayn, he preffered nightly profound conversations and days in napping. He always knew he wanted a family of his own one day. Zayn wasn't scared of settling down. In fact he needed it. Needed the grounding and consistency. I however was scare shitless of commitment and couldn't picture myself in the same place for the next two weeks, let alone years in the future. I love him. So much. He is who my heart belongs to. Its him. I know its him. But why can't I behave that way. Why is it so hard to stop myself.
"Mom... I did it again. I messed up mom. I don't know what to do. I didn't mean to. I didn't want to hurt him. I love him. It's so hard. Why is it so hard? Why can't I give him my loyalty?"
"Oh Harry, I know you love him. You need to figure out what you want out of that relationship with him. You need to be honest with him and yourself. Maybe you're not in the right head space for anything serious right now. Just talk to him. Be honest."
"I don't want to loose him..."
"Honey, you don't want to loose him but he might loose himself waiting for you."
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"Zayn, please listen to me. I love you! It meant nothing, absolutely nothing. I was drunk, she was drunk. It wasn't anything deep. Please you need to understand. We're so fucking young and it gets hard to away from you. Just hold on, please. Just wai-"
"It's not about her Harry! Its not about who you fucked this week. I love you with my every last fiber but I need to think about my future. This isn't what I want. I need to go."
"Please don't push me away. I need you. I can't do this alone... please. I am begging you babe. Please."
"You're not alone baby. We will be alright."
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And just like that he was gone. I lost him and there was nothing I could do to bring him back. I couldn't give him what he needed. No matter how much I loved him, I wasn't ready. I just wish he understood and selfishly hoped he waited for me. But I knew. I knew he wouldn't. Zayn can't be alone. He needs someone. He needs to be loved, he needs the presence of someone to tether him to this reality. No matter how much he desired to wait for me, he wouldn't. His heart is too big and his ability to love so unconditionally and profoundly comes so naturally to him.
Maybe Perrie would finally get a real chance to win my baby's heart.
Maybe she is easier to love anyways...
