Yerizabelle's Records

Entry #4

Stellar Year 3038 Month of Ria 20th Day

Not telling stories anymore.

This is all about me. About how I feel.

I don't want to go home anymore.

It used to be a place where I can feel safe but now it just feels like it's stabbing me.

Keep skipping the diary but now I'm back.

My sister keeps...

Well, I don't know the word.

Was it nag? But a little lighter that that.

My brothers riled her, apparently.

She said she's been keeping it from a few days.

Well I know it's true and I feel guilty by her side remarks. Even though I fell like it's not directed to me. At least, I think so myself.

I'm hurt. On the inside. I try not to show it by not saying anything.

I don't want to get in to trouble. I don't want more trouble to come.

Yeah.

I had a little trouble with mom today too. I forgot to do what she requested. I know I'm stupid but I really forgot about it. I apologized of course.

And now she's giving me the silent treatment.

I know I'm being over sensitive but it hurt me. I didn't mean for it to happen at all.

I mean, I'm all to blame because it's all because of me. My mistakes.

I'll just wait.

I want to cry. But I won't. I won't let them see me cry.

I feel like it would insult them.

I don't know anymore.

I want to disappear.

Well just for a little time. Just like a time out.

I started going to school this month.

It's depressing. I don't know why bit I keep comparing myself to others. I can't help it. I can't stop myself.

I think it's natural.

I want to cry.

I didn't know it would be this hard.

All these internal conflict.

But I did learn something from school.

Though the smart kids make me insecure.

I thought I knew about the world. And  about life.

I was wrong.

It's hard.

Now I feel a little better.

It's really better to stay silent and wait for everything to stop.

Crying is troublesome though.

I have to think of ways so that they won't find out.

Writing is better. This is my temporary escape from reality.

Another thing.

I realized that I'm binding my self by my own standards.

It's stupid. I think that I should just do what I can but then after I do that I feel like I could've done better.

But that's that. What else is there to add?

I think I already got all out for this time.

It's long enough.

I'll write again in another time.

Yerizabelle