Insomniac Party

9 Frosty 9

I hate myself. I hate myself. I hate myself. Gosh, why am I so stupid? After our short meeting, Captain stopped talking to me. It wasn't directly after. It was after a week or so had past. He showed up to my door and I let him in. My parents were out of town. I lay there crying as I remember.
"Hey," he said
"Hey, come on in," I replied. We sat on the couch talking for a while. His smile and eyes pulling me in. All the smooth talk, gosh I was so naive. I scooted closer and closer as we talked, till I was cuddling with him. My head on his chest so I could feel his breathing. Our legs tangled. There was a sudden break in conversation and I took that opportunity to turn around.
When our eyes caught, no one could speak. I scooted myself up on him a little higher and kissed his neck. He found my lips. His tongue writing poetry in my mouth as we kissed. He pulled himself over me and I moaned as he kissed my neck. My hands fiddled their way under his shirt and pulled it off. His hands slid under my shirt. I moaned again as he began gently rubbing my breasts and kissing my neck. I had to stop the memory. It was all too painful. My head was trying to commit suicide all the thoughts swirling and spiraling. It was after that night that he stopped talking to me. He started talking to Smiles again and he was making big moves on Beanie. I'm sure I was just like all the other girls he'd left; annoying, dramatic, and slightly repulsive.
The guilt I feel for Smiles began beating down on me. I hate myself. I hate myself. I hate myself. I grabbed the pen next to me and slashed it across my arm. Crying and laughing, crazed. "Stupid, you don't feel pain when you get like this," I tell myself. I wondered if I was going insane.
I woke up shaking. Stupid anxiety dreams. I look down at my arms and see that they are fine. I look next to me and see Thoughts asleep. I put a hand on his arm and then cuddle into him closer. "Another nightmare?" He asks. I didn't realize he was awake.
"Yeah," I whisper back," it's fine."
"No, it's not," he rolls over so he's facing me. His eyes are sad and serious, "I want to hold you and make you feel better, I'm right here, I need you to trust me."
"I do trust you," I whisper," I just don't want to be a burden to anyone. You don't deserve to have to worry about me having anxiety attacks in the middle of the night and not being okay."
"You're not a burden," his voice is so clear and strong and beautiful as he cups my face in his hands and runs a thumb over my cheek, "you're a pleasure to be around. It's okay to not be okay, babe."
I smile and close my eyes, enjoying his touch. He kisses my forehead and wraps his arms around me. "Go back to sleep," he whispers into my hair.
"Mmm," I reply as I slip back to sleep.
I wake up and instantly notice Thought's absence. At first my heart races as anxiety takes over, but as the initial shock fades I hear something in the kitchen. I lazily roll myself out of bed and somber down the hall. There he is making pancakes, a warm cup of coffee already sitting and waiting for me. I walk up and hug him from behind, but I'm too short for my head to come over his shoulder unless I stand on my toes. I press my face into the back of his warm shoulder for a second, then pull myself up so that when he turns he can look down into my face. "Good morning ma'm," he smiles.
"Good morning sir," I laugh in reply. I give him a quick kiss and then sit down at the counter to drink my coffee while he finishes the pancakes. I zone out for a minute, again thinking about Captain. We haven't talked for a while now. I think about all the little things that happened there. He said I told him too much, but he had asked me to tell him. He said that nothing I had said was worthwhile, but had asked Smiles to do some of the same things I had done. He had ripped open so many of my insecurities. I felt bad because I knew how much he wanted Beanie and he never got her. There was just so much confusion and anger at the end, but I have something better now. Someone I can trust. Things between Smiles and I are much better too. I apologized for all of my stupid mistakes and we started talking again. It was relieving.
"Hey space cadet," Thoughts teased, "breakfast is ready."
"Thanks babe," I sighed as I snapped back to reality and took the plate of warm pancakes. He slid around the corner and sat next to me at the counter.
Thoughts was tall and beautiful. Strong, but lean instead of bulky. He had encompassing dark brown eyes behind glasses that were the perfect shape for his face. I laughed to myself thinking about how I have a thing for guys with glasses.
"What's so funny?" He asked.
"Nothing," I replied, "I was just thinking about how handsome you are."
He shrugged," Me? Nah. You're the beautiful one."