The Squib and the Werewolf (book 2)

68. In Or Out

Not long after the kids returned to school, Raya received a visit from Dumbledore.
The pair had avoided each other since Raya threw a knife at him while she was isolating herself in a room in Grimmauld Place. And he never came to Order meetings at the Burrow.
Raya saw Dumbledore as a necessary evil that she had to put up with in order to stop Voldemort.
But as she reluctantly invited him into her house, she began to notice just how old he looked. She had always known he was ancient, but for the first time since she'd met him, he really looked his age.

"Are you alright?  Enquired Raya curiously, as they sat down in the living room.
"It's unlike you to worry about my well being" commented Dumbledore.
"Well, I'm only human, and even if I don't like you, I can't help but notice that you don't look too well" admitted Raya.
"If you must know, I wasn't quick enough to defend myself against one of Voldemort's attacks recently, and it has weakened me somewhat"
"I see... Why are you here Dumbledore?"
"I am here for the same reason I always am; for the Order".

Raya rolled her eyes, "And what exactly does the Order want from me now?".
"I came to inform you that I am sending Remus to live with some of his fellow werewolves for a while, to see if any of them can be convinced to join our side" revealed Dumbledore.
"You can't be serious" gasped Raya.
"I am" replied Dumbledore.
"Great. Because your idea to have Remus infiltrate the werewolf camp worked out so well last time. And he brought a whole zero extra members to the Order".

"Just like last time, we need to gain as much support as possible, which is why I sent Hagrid to the giants, and why I am sending Remus to the werewolves. We need followers of all types, not just ordinary witches and wizards" explained Dumbledore.
"If they didn't join last time, what makes you think they will this time?" Questioned Raya.
"Things are different this time around. Voldemort isn't quite as popular now, since everyone saw his true colours in the first war. Not to mention the fact that new werewolves will have been turned, since Remus's last meeting with the group" answered Dumbledore.

Raya sighed, "Since I can't stop you, and I have no say in what my brother does, I have no choice but to allow this foolish plan of yours to go ahead".
"No, you don't" replied Dumbledore.
"And what stupid mission do you want to send me on?" Questioned Raya.
"That depends"
"On what?"
"Whether or not you want to be a part of the Order of the Phoenix"
"I went to all of your silly Order meetings last year, didn't I?"
"Only because you wanted to see Sirius, who was living at Grimmauld Place, which was the Order Headquarters at the time. You didn't attend those meetings because you wanted to help me or the Order".

"Look, whether or not I like you doesn't matter. We both know I want nothing more than to stop Voldemort" admitted Raya.
"Actually, whether or not you have faith in me, is very important. I need loyal members, who will follow my instructions without question. I need people who will complete dangerous tasks on my behalf, for the greater good, even if it puts their lives at risk. And I am not sure you are that person anymore, because you do not trust me" replied Dumbledore.
"No, I don't. Nor do I have any intention of allowing you to send me on a mission that will likely get me killed. I will not make my children orphans".

"So, does this mean you officially want to withdraw from the Order?" Asked Dumbledore.
"What do you mean by that?" Questioned Raya.
"Do you not want to attend meetings anymore or be kept up to date with what is going on?" Quizzed Dumbledore.
"I didn't say that. We both know how much I hate people keeping secrets from me. I still want to be kept informed with what the Order is up to"
"You can't have it both ways. You can't know about what the Order are up to, without lifting a finger to help the Order in return. You are either in or out. There is no middle ground"
"You don't have to go on missions to be in the Order. I mean, when was the last time Molly or Arthur fought death eaters for you?".

"Molly and Arthur gather intelligence for me, from inside the Ministry. They are not fighters like you. As you often like to remind me, fighting is what you do best, and just because you don't have magic, you don't want to be kept out of things. I remember how good you were in the first wizarding war, and I need that warrior back on my team" informed Dumbledore.
"I can't. I don't have any fight left in me. I'm too old to be running around derelict buildings after death eaters. And with my friends dead, there is no one to have my back. Since I can't apparate, I have to rely on other people to transport me to and from places. But I don't trust anyone else in the Order to protect me, since every single one of them turned their backs on me and called me a traitor" reminded Raya.

"If we don't start trusting each other, what hope have we at stopping Voldemort?" Asked Dumbledore.
"Trust has to be earned, and no one but the Weasleys has earned my trust back. Apologies don't mean a thing, and apologies certainly won't save me. And when it comes down to it, in the heat of battle, I don't know whether I trust the Order members to have my back. I can't trust you either, since I know you won't come running in to save my life, if I get in trouble. Being in the Order is dangerous, and I am not prepared to put my life on the line for other people, who wouldn't do the same. My priority is looking after my kids, and there is nothing you can do to change my mind" revealed Raya.

"You say you care about your kids, yet you have handed your daughter over to the Weasleys" Dumbledore said quietly.
"I did that for her own good, to make sure that she is safe and looked after. I have not abandoned my daughter. I love her, and I will have her back in my life, once I feel I am able to care for her properly. Sirius's death messed me up, and I am not yet a functioning human being. Every night, I have nightmares about that day in the Ministry. I have to watch the love of my life, die over and over again, at the hands of his cousin. And we both know who's fault it was that Sirius ended up dying at the Ministry... Look, I am not of sound mind. And I fear that if you sent me on a mission now, I would be a liability and not a help" admitted Raya.

Dumbledore sighed, "Well then, I'm sorry you feel that way. Because I really thought we could rely on your expertise, like we did last time. I hoped that you would put our differences aside, and do what was right. I guess I was wrong".
"Stop trying to guilt trip me. I did my duty during the first war, and I have no reason to help you now. I've done my part. I am not a soldier anymore... However, this doesn't mean I can't be of use to the Order. As you may have noticed, I write a column for the Witch Weekly. Which means that once a week, I am surrounded by a bunch of journalists all going about their busy lives. And they are the biggest gossips you will ever meet. So, if I hear or see anything I think could be of use, I will tell you" promised Raya.
"I will take whatever I can get" replied Dumbledore, as he wearily stood to his feet.

"We're losing this war, aren't we?" Raya asked quietly.
"While I admit that things do not look good, I am doing everything in my power to bring Voldemort down. I am having one to one lessons with Harry this year, giving him every piece of information I have on Voldemort. I will even be allowing him access to my memories via a Pensieve, to get him prepared for the battle that is to come" revealed Dumbledore.
"Know your enemy" mumbled Raya.
"Exactly".

"While I'm not happy about you spending alone time with my godson, since I don't like you manipulating him. I'm glad that you are finally telling him everything you know, and not hiding anymore secrets from him. He will need every advantage he can get, if he has any hope of defeating Voldemort" admitted Raya.
"While things may look bleak, all is not lost, Mrs Black. There is still hope. And while we still have hope, I will continue to fight" announced Dumbledore.
"And so will I, even if my way of fighting is not the same as it once was. I will still do my bit" replied Raya.
"That's all I can ask for".