Waiting For Tomorrow

Kick Me

Another day I wake up to this hell, this fucked up place.

I rub my tear stained eyes as I sit up on my small screeching bed.

I'm just another messed up girl in a messed up world.

As I slowly stand up I remember all the terrible things that went on yesterday which I wish I could forget.

Being beat up at school, having horrible notes thrown at me, walking up the hallway of school while hearing so many hurtful words thrown at me. Fat. Ugly. Trash. Retard. Not good enough. Weird. Attention.....And so much more, my parents fighting once again and thats not all.

I've lost meaning in life, I don't see any reasons in living anymore. And I find myself waiting for tomorrow once again.

I wish I could just...die...fade away...and have nobody notice. But I can't. Because that's what my friend Esther wanted. She lost meaning in life like me... so she gave in and killed herself.

I walk over to the small mirror mounted on my poster filled wall. Grabbing my hair brush I start brushing my thick wavy brown hair and stare at my ugly freckly, fat, face, in the mirror wishing I could be someone different, someone prettier, nicer, better.

In my head I start counting, counting all my mistakes. Everything I have fucked up. Everyone who hates me. All my....cuts....

Esther knew I cut myself, I knew she did it too, I also knew she was suicidal, but she never knew I was. We kept the promise to each other that we wouldn't tell anyone about each others cutting because we both didn't want anyone to know, she had also told me she wouldn't kill herself, she would hold on for me and her other friends... and I believed her, I thought she could because she had so much more to live for than I did. She had a nice and caring family, she had more friends than me, people liked her. But it turns out she just felt empty, she also felt as if none of those people cared. But they did. I did. She was my friend. My only friend, she was the kindest person I had ever met.

Tears start slowly and lightly rolling down my face, they start getting heavier and faster making my eyes hurt because I had already cried too much last night. I wipe the tears from my face and try to suck it up, this always happens when I think about Esther, I feel that what happened was all my fault because I knew she was suicidal and I never told anyone.

I walk over to my cupboard and grab out a green polo shirt and some jeans and quickly throw them on. I look into my mirror and think about what I am wearing, is it alright? Not that I really care about how I look, but other people do.

"Silva, are you out of bed yet?" I hear mum's tired voice yell from outside of my door.

"Yeah." I sigh.

Walking to my door I grab my dark read beanie and my heavy shoulder bag. As I walk into my kitchen I check to see that I have all of my school books. I'm in year 10 so it's not as easy as year 7, I have so much more homework, so I need to bring more books home.

"What are you going to have for breakfast today Silva?" Mum asks, she asks the same thing every morning.

"Nothing." I reply quietly because I know she's going to get angry now, like she always does.

"Silva. You need to stop starving yourself. You are not fat and you know it, you are way too skinny, you are just doing all of this for attention, so just stop, I have had many phone calls from the school about you not eating anything, people are always telling me I need to take you to a doctor, but i'm not going to do that because I know there is nothing wrong with you, you just like the attention. God Silva! You think you are depressed but you know there are kids out there starving, thirsty, they have nothing and they are dying, but they don't complain, they accept what they are given." She yells at me in a furious voice spilling her hot coffee all over the floor.