Grey Twins

XIV

It burned its way into my veins. My chemo therapy was almost done for the week. They did tell me since I had to wait a while to get the transplant that chemo would take longer since the cancer has probably increased.

My chemo was during the day so I had no one since everyone was in school. So during the treatment I wrote a note sending it to my donors family. I gave  condolences and thanked them for their sons life/Heart. I kept rewriting it because I didn't sound right. I finally ended up just saying.

Hello, my name is Meredith Grey, I am 17 years old and was in need of a transplant really bad. I'm also battling cancer. Your son, Nick, seemed like an awesome guy from what the staff at the hospital had told me. I am so thankful to be able to keep his heart alive even when his own body can't. I'm so deeply sorry you lost your son! If you want to reach out here's my info.

-Love,
M. Grey

"Okay Meredith. You're done for today. You may feel a little nauseous so I placed a bucket next to your bed just in case." Dr Swender said.

She disconnected the IV and I walked into my hospital room. I was t very weak yet so I was able to walk myself.

"Hey Love!" I see Luke waiting with roses in his hand.

"You came?" I was so shocked.

"You called" he came in for a hug. Then I saw Mrs. Bailey waiting in the room too.

We smiled at each other as she came in for a hug.

We laughed and we talked but the everyone had to leave again. I was alone. I missed Alex. I don't want my hair to fall out. My chest hurts. I feel dizzy. I'm gonna puke.

When I did I feel a bit better.

—

it's been 3 weeks now. My cancer seems to have decreased a significant amount but it's still lingering in my body.

After the 2nd round of chemo my hair started falling out. I asked Bailey if she could come and shave it for me. She was so happy and bought me a bunch of color neutral head scarfs.

I could barely walk by myself anymore. I wasn't eating and the doctors had to give me a feeding tube. I was constantly throwing up. Cancer sucked and it was also taking a toll on my heart.

"Meredith your heart is weak. It's starting to fail again. We have to stop chemo so we can see what is going on." Dr Altman said at the edge of my bed.

"That'll mean my cancer will increase and we will basically have to start from the beginning?"

"I'm afraid so" dr Altman said. I was so low into my depression again the doctors were scared I would do something to hurt myself.

They were so close in calling upstairs and see if they could admit me into a 72 hour hold. I get it I wasn't talking or eating but I swear it was mostly the cancer causing it. Well that and all the bad news recently.

I ended up making a deal with the doctor. If I tried to eat or talk then I wouldn't be taken upstairs.
—-
Luke came in about 4 hours after my whole deal with the doctor took place.
"I can't do this anymore. Meredith!"

"What do you mean?" I felt slightly overwhelmed since Luke had never talked to me like that.

"We're breaking up. I can't keep up with you being all depressed and whatever. Your mom's here let her take care of you! Not me!" I felt whatever part of my heart left, shatter.

I never told him to take care of me. He wasn't obligated. He didn't have to stay. I let him know a while back he could leave if he wanted. He told me he'd stay by my side forever.

I watched him leave my hospital room. For the last time. He was leaving and not coming back. I was confined to this bed for what felt like years but it's just been a little over a month.

I wasn't allowed to leave and go home since my heart was so bad. I had worked it up so much I had to get another one. I'm just not lucky with hearts. Not my own. Not anyones.

Not being distracted by work had made me feel how horrible I was feeling all those months ago but just didn't process it.

I feel fatigue. My body hurts. Everything hurts.

I told myself not to date Luke. I told myself it would end bad. But he was amazing? So amazing he broke my heart. He treated me like Alex had, perfect. He did everything just to keep me happy.

I was diagnosed and told Luke he could leave so he wouldn't deal with my progress down hill. He said "no worries love. I'll be here forever and ever. I promise."

My heart felt like I was being stabbed. I thought it was just me feeling sad that Everyone left. But it just hurt too much. I was clutching my chest pressing the nurses button.

Instead of a nurse I see dr Altman come running in.

"Meredith! You're having a panic attack, come on follow my breathing try to steady your breathing. That's it good." She said rubbing my back.

"Th- thank you"

"Of course. Do you know what caused this?" She tilted her head.

"Everyone I loved left. I'm all alone. I don't want to be alone. I miss everyone. But they don't miss me. I know they don't I already live with basically myself. I just suddenly miss my mom and dad even my sister. I miss Luke. I miss my real best friend. But it's okay. It'll be fine. Sorry in rambling" I said turning to my side into a fetal position.

I hear her pager make a noise I hear a lot. A noise saying she's taking a break. I hear her shoes drop to the floor. She crawls behind me and Hugs me tight. I eventually fell asleep, missing the hugs from Luke that I had gotten so comfortable doing.