Panic Attacks

2

Meredith's POV:

We came back home and Zola went straight to bed. I never thought ever in my lifetime would I be here today. Let alone witnessing my oldest daughter having a panic attack on stage.

"Is she asleep" Amelia asks and I nod.

"I did not see that coming" I sigh and sit down on the couch with Amelia

"How did you know" she asks abruptly

"what do you mean" I ask

"well before she started choking on her words. How did you know that was happening? before it happened" she clarifies

"I used to have them and then there was always Lexie. She would stress out then stress eat then she would go in panic mode" I explain smiling at the name of Lexie.

"you miss her don't you? Lexie" Amelia smiles at me

"yeah I do. I mean I have you and then I have Maggie but Lexie was Lexie" I say

"I get it. Like there's Nick but Derek is Derek he's the only man you'll ever want to marry" Amelia says

"Exactly" I confirm

"I miss him. Before you he was the only family I had after my dad. He was the only person to ask if I was okay before jumping to any conclusions. I would be in bed for longer then usual and my sisters would accuse me of being high or wasted but Derek he would ask me what happened and if I was okay. He was like my own Shrink except he didn't demand $200 for every sentence" Amelia says and I laugh at the last part

"Me too. Zola asked me a couple years ago if I'll ever marry someone else again" I say remembering our conversation in the bathroom.

"She misses her father but she also wants to see you happy" Amelia says and suddenly my mind starts remembering one specific moment.

"When Zola was little I was on call so he had to bring her to daycare and get her ready and he did everything but one thing" I start saying

"Tell me she at least all of her clothes on" Amelia asks in a joking manner

"oh she did but her hair was a complete mess. Bailey had told me that he snapped at a person because he thought they were judging a white man with a black baby. Then when I came home, I walked into the kitchen to see Bailey teaching Derek how to do her hair and he was way too excited" I said telling her the story with tears threatening to spill out.

"come here" Amelia says softly.
I laid my head on her lap and she started stroking my hair.

"we all miss him" Amelia says. I part of me felt guilty. Derek was her brother the only family who didn't care about all of her flaws.

"you know I should be comforting you" I say sighing.

"No" she says sternly.

"No?" I question. I know the for some time she blamed and resented me for him dying. I was a widow not an idiot.

"Look Mer I'm sure you know that I did blame you because he wasn't breathing but nothing is worse then losing the love of your life" she starts.
"I had more than half my life with Derek. I had more time with him and I thought we didn't get to say goodbye and that was your fault but then I realized neither did you. You didn't have enough time with him and that's because your story wasn't over. You're are allowed to be more heartbroken then I am. I lost my brother but I'll always have the memories we had as kids and even our fights but you lost the love of your life mer. You didn't get have a happy ending with Derek so it's okay to still be heartbroken" Amelia says. I feel tears burning my eyes. As I try to blink them away I hear Amelia let out a sympathy sigh.

"And your also allowed to cry. You can cry about losing him. You don't have to hold in your pain even if it is for the kids. You need to stop holding in the pain. You let the anger out years ago now you need to let the pain out" Amelia says. And I do just that. I let the tears fall.