Panic Attacks

3

Amelia's POV:
I hear whimpers and sobs come out of Meredith's mouth as I continue comforting her. I then realize she wouldn't have wanted one of the kids walking in on her crying her tears out, so I spoke up.

"Hey, Mer, why don't we go to my bedroom and try and get some sleep" I said.
She finally looks at me with a confused expression.

"What's wrong with my room" she asks.

"Well you and Derek most likely haven't had sex in my bed so we're using my bed" I said trying to lighten the mood.
We then get up and walk upstairs. Meredith doesn't even change into anything. She just gets in my bed and snuggles under the thick comforter. I then slip into the comforter a couple minutes later.

"Mer you're allowed to feel sad and you're allowed to miss him. Don't feel selfish for doing that" I say trying to convince her that it was okay.

I will admit there was a time where I put some blame on her but as time went on I realized that she wasn't the one at fault. But as time went on I noticed that she always used her kids as an excuse for not properly grieving. She moved away to another state and had another kid then moved back and acted like everything didn't happen.

"Meredith you need to let the pain out" I whisper and she nods.
She then turns to lay on her back and she looks at me. It was evident that there was pain in her eyes.

"The truth is I feel guilty" she admits.

"Meredith this wasn't your fault" I tell her.

"But it is. He died. He said we were going to grow old together. He said that we were going to have a lifetime's worth of us" she said remembering what i assumed was a conversation they had.

"So you're angry at him for not keeping that promise" I ask cautiously.

"Yes. I just miss him and he'll always be the guy I fell in love with. And when Maggie keeps saying to go after the man I love in my mind I'm thinking 'I can't cause he's dead' " she says.

"You feel guilty for moving on with someone else" I said realizing.
She just nods her head.

"When I was in the hospital and when I was unconscious I was at this beach and I saw Derek, and Mark, and Lexie, I even saw Deluca. And the thing is I didn't want to leave. I just... seeing how and being in his arms again and seeing Lexie and Mark again I just didn't want to leave." Meredith says.

"But you're here?" I ask confused.

"Yeah. Derek said it wasn't my time yet, and I needed to stay for this kids and you" she says.

"Well he was right you know. You're all I have. My only family. I mean there's Maggie but that's different." I say explaining.
"You need to cry. It's time to let the pain out" I say and she just nods.

Not even a minute later tears start streaming down her face and small whimpers start coming out of her mouth. I lay all the way down and start comforting her. Just imagine the love of your life dying. He has been dead for almost 8 years and now you finally let the pain out. I felt so much pain for her. All I could really think about was a little over a year after Derek died and Meredith got attacked by that one patient and the only thing that went through my mind was how Derek would've reacted how he would be bossing everyone around and telling them what to do. A couple tears then slip out my eyes. She has been through hell and back. From being stranded with her sister's dead body to becoming a widow. And I know she loves Maggie but I also know that Meredith would do anything to bring back Lexie. I had met Lexie a couple times before she had passed and I know she definitely did not deserve to die. I saw a light in her that you don't really see in residents. It was evident that Lexie and a soft spot for neuro.