My Sister's Best Friend [T.Chalamet]

41

nothing hurts more than trying your abosolute best and still not being good enough.

The king premiere event came and went. I was not involved—not for the pictures but the event. his manager specifically mentioned no pluses at all, only the team. he did not say bye when he left. i ignored it and took it as a mistake from him. he was probably in a rush, i told myself.

Then i watched the premiere and saw him. with lily. a few hours later, i got notifications of some more headlines. timothee and lily's boat trip. i made the mistake of opening that up.

Then my phone flashed his name and i threw it on my bed. I stepped away from it as my eyes began to blur. tears flooded down my face. Fuck, i did not even realise it. next thing i knew, i had my back against the wall as i sat on the floor of my room.

(Can we just pretend these three pictures are one giant text? Thank you.)

it hurt having you in my life; it hurt not having you in my life. i could never win.

- - -

a few days later

i wonder if you ever stopped and just thought, i miss her; she did not deserve that. The truth is, nobody knows. I guess that is what i deserved.

saoirse found me at that time. She rushed into the flat, calling my name. i did not even realise it. i heard it, but i could not respond. i was still processing the boat pictures. she helped me. move on, or at least try to. I continued with my day-to-day life. saorise did not leave me alone for one second. she took time off her preparation for her upcoming film and spent time with me at home.

i stay up most nights. thinking of you while trying not to think about you. missing you while trying not to miss you. was it all pretending? after you came back to new york when you finished filming the king? was it all pretending? because i saw the way you looked at me. i was there. a part of me will always wonder. i was not good enough. i never will.

look at her. she is perfect in every aspect. she has things i cannot even dream of having. maybe that is why you chose her. she is somebody. just like you. me? i am a nobody. nobody wants me. nobody even likes me. i'm not good enough. i never will.

- - -

two months later (late September or October 2019)

soairse promised that we'd go out today to prep for my collage. first term would be starting soon and i had to get a couple of things. I had not thought about him for months. I saw the posts on social media. it was confirmed. they were officially together. the paparazzi pictures of them in new york together too. that was how i knew he would come back.  I should have known they definitely attended the king premier event together too.

The door knocked. saoirse was in her room changing so she called me to open it. i ran over and opened it and i froze in my spot.

I thought I was over you. Or at least on that route to move on. just when i thought i really was. just when i thought i had done so well and finally made progress, i see you. i freaking see you and the entire cycle starts again.

i shut the door but my eyes did not move. they remained fixed at the door.

"who is it?" soairse calls.

I shook my head and left the room, "see for yourself," i mumbled.

I sat on top of the sofa, the head part, as she opened the door. when she saw him, i saw her entire skin change. She shook her head and said, "no, no, no." She repulsed and closed the door but he placed his foot and arm in between so it would not close.

"Please," he pleaded, "i need to talk to you."

She shook her head.

"Please, saorise!" he called and that made me hide behind the door away from him so that he would not see me. "i need you to listen to me, please; you're one of the only ones that would understand if you would just listen."

"she cried over you. she cried for days Timmy," she answered .

"i know," he said, biting his trembling lip.

"then why did you not reach out to her? why did you not give her the closure she at least deserved?" she shouted. she probably did not even realise that she was shouting now.

i peaked through the gap in the door hinge and i saw him. his brown hair was much longer than i had last seen him. it was messier. his eyes were red and i could tell that he was crying because his eyes were slightly swollen.

"because i'm hurting too," he shouted back, "because i'm afraid that if i see her crying in front of me, i'll apologise and beg for her to take me back but i can't do that." his gaze dropped. "i can't hurt her anymore than i already have."

Silence followed as Soairse looked up at him. "You hurt her so much. she trusted you."

"and i broke it, i know. i don't deserve her. i never did. but she needs to know i'm sorry Please tell her. Tell her it wasn't her fault and that she deserves better."

"I will, Timmy," she responds. I watch her smile and close the door as he turns to leave.

***
(1000 words)