~ Free To Be Me ~

~ Questioning ~

Hi everybody, it's me Alex!

I just thought I'd put a side note in here, This chapter was written a fair while ago and my identity among other things has changed since then. I may in future include another chapter updating as to my current identity and journey.

Anyways onto the topic! :3

Today's topic is Questioning

Many people question their genders, sexualities, pronouns or their names. Some people question more the one of these and most of the time when questioning one they'll question others or all of them, myself being one of them.

As you guys would already know my birth given name isn't Alex, you may also already know why I chose to identify as Alex and not my original given name. The questioning of my name wasn't where I started questioning but rather my sexuality.

I knew that I liked girls at the time, yet I had no one to confide in or talk to this about so I bottled it up for a good four years (none of my family know about that),so I throughout those four years I was asked out by many young males and I declined them all politely saying that I either wasn't ready or wasn't allowed to date yet, which at the time I wasn't. Aside from that all of my friend groups from years four and five were strictly male except for myself, it want until high school that I developed friendships with a few girls, these friendships were okay from my point of view at the time. To everyone else they were distructive and harmful to me. We still talk to each other to this day but just aren't as close anymore. After that I then met another really wonderful person she and I gradually over time developed feelings for each over and eventually came out to each over. She and I dated for exactly eight months, these eight months for me were fantastic I loved every moment of my time spent with her, I loved her dearly and I still do.

The saddest part for me was that my parents weren't supportive of my decision. I came out to them as lesbian the day that she and I got together, I'd told my sister but she'd said that I had to tell my mum, I'd immediately figured that my mum would be okay with it since she was best friends with a lesbian couple. How wrong I'd been then; my mum was quite the opposite towards the idea. She hadn't liked the idea;

1. Because 'I was to young to be making life changing decisions such a young age'.

2. I was still in school and would get teased.

I know with this one that she was only trying to look after me and protect me but I said to her that I as a kid was whole heartedly willing to throw myself head long into crowds of hypocritical, homophobic, judgmental people to be with and love the person I loved, because people;

love is love and I'm free to be me!

3. I'd never shown signs of this type of attitude.

4. Most of you reading this would have probably heard this one line about a thousand times; it's just a phase!

I must say I'm not a rude person by any means but when I hear this phrase I just want to scream at them "I'm me, so let it be!" and "words hurt so be careful what you say!"

Once I'd come out fully to my step dad and mum as well as my sister, my sister had said to me why don't you just make your decision easier and tell people you're a bisexual, I'd sat there pondering her statement for no longer then a couple seconds and instinctively answered with, "being a lesbian was never a choice I was either a lesbian or I was not, I never decided over the matter I just simply feel the way I do and that's that."

After those eight months my mum found out about us and promptly screamed at me, but that's okay. I stayed single for the next 6 months when one day my neighbour asked me to be his girlfriend, I at the time I had gotten myself into the habit of pushing aside my feeling for girls and tried to ignore it because it isn't tolerated in my household. I accepted his request a few days later after bringing it up with my parents, everything started off fine for us but on the end I wasn't finding it at all comfortable so I ended our relationship several months later My first ever romantic relationship had been with the girl I'd met and originally came out to, my second had been with a male, my neighbour. I'd never had any good romantic experiences with men, one event in particular has shattered me ideals for ever developing true romantic feelings for a male, or at least that's part of the reason the other that I simply don't like them.

When I'd approached the topic of the relationship between my neighbour and I my parents first words were; "so I see your no longer a lesbian", that statement had left me deflated and unsure of myself once more. My parents still now make reference to the fact that me being a lesbian 'was all a phase'. I'm now terrified to come out again to my parents and more distant relatives like my grandparents since they tend to stick to their older morals, the reason I say come out 'again' is because I will bring it up with them again, they claim that they will be accepting of me when I'm older and have made a name for myself. I've recently found out that although my family may be able to come around to the idea of me being a lesbian, they are entirely against the idea of me even briefly questioning my gender, pronouns or name.

This now leads me back to my initial statement. The idea of going by a different name never really occurred to me until my later years in high school. I'd always had my days where I'd wake up and feel like I wanted to identify and dress as a male rather than a female and I'd always just dismissed that as either curiosity or an element or pure idiocy. I'd always known myself to have these days now where'd I'd feel more comfortable as male and not female, I'd also been told by multiple people that if I hid my chest that I'd get away with being male. They'd say this because apparently I sounded and looked quite masculine, and to me that was okay. I'd once put on my girlfriends hoodie; this hoodie had been a little bigger then my own so it hid my chest and she'd said to me 'if you put the hood up you'd look like a guy'. In that relationship I'd always amongst my friend group been regarded as the male in our relationship.

I then started to question my gender. I was always being hit with questions like what's your gender preference? or what are your pronouns? I at the time had always just set the questions aside not bothering about them, but as I stated to think about myself and what I truly felt setting aside the opinions of my family I soon came to the conclusion that questioning my gender and pronouns was okay. As for what they are I'm still not quite sure, and I find that frustrating. As for my name I'd like to go by Alex or Xander, as you guys may already know why from previous chapters.

With my personal spiel/stories aside all of the information will be in my next chapter; Questioning Pt.2

Sorry for making this chapter about me rather than the topic. ☹

Bye everybody, Alex out, and remember;

Stay safe. Stay Kind. But most importantly stay true to yourselves! ❤️🧡💛💚💙💜