Graveyard • Dazai x Reader

7: Sentence

You could hear a pin drop in the cafe after Dazai spoke.

Yosano tenses behind you while Dazai just throws you an innocent smile, and you wouldn't have believed anyone if they had said the world continued to spin in that moment. To you, this moment was supposed to be everything, and it felt like you'd just been frozen by the shock of it in time.

Everything was all wrong.

You had imagined reuniting with Dazai thousands of time, imagined finding him somewhere where light never touched, his empty eyes a reflection of his loss, and yet now he sat in front of you and he looked happy. He looked carelessly free, while you were the one clawing yourself out of the grave he burried you in.

Now, no one moved, no one reacted, until you felt your sanity being chipped away by the silence and you begin to lose it.

You take a step forward, his voice echoing in your mind:

"Ah, does this mean I can ignore Mori's requests now to come back for you?"

What requests?

Why did there have to be requests?

"I hate you." You barely get the words out, your whole body now shaking — both from the cold of the rainwater still clinging to you and from rage bubbling up in every nerve. Your blood boils as it flows through your veins, heart beat thundering in your ears, and you walk towards him neither quickly nor slowly. It feels like an eternity when you reach him and somehow at the same time, you're in his reach too soon.

I loved you.

"So is that a yes? I was supposed to visit after a little Port Mafia dinner, but-"

You interrupt Dazai as you slam your hand on the table next to him and grab his coffee mug, attempting to throw it at him with no success as he reacts swiftly, hitting your hand so that the mug flies into the floor, shattering to pieces. At this, Dazai takes your wrist and pins it against the table, causing you to double over much closer to him, not letting you move. You wince, letting out a small gasp as your heart feels like it's exploded out your chest, mixed, unruly emotions bursting.

You want to scream and cry, to watch him bleed — and yet you also want him to hold you, to tell you it's all ok now, because you made it back to him. Just as you were always meant to.

But he left me.

He left me to die.

I should hate him.

"I hate you." You repeat, pushing against his grip, your eyes wildly searching for something, anything, to hurt him with. You need him to feel even a fraction of your pain.You need him to feel something, because you were feeling everything all at once and all he did was look at you.

"I thought you were dead, you broke all your promises to me, you left me with Mori! You left me!" You start yelling, and as you try to reach for him with your free hand, wanting to shake him, to beg him for any reaction or explanation, Dazai lets go of you and raises a slender hand. You instinctively flinch, expecting a disciplining hit at first, but freeze completely when he places it on your cheek gently.

It burns against your face, like a touch of poison.

You suddenly remember all the times he'd done the same, caressing your face so gently...

Behave, he'd say.

This is why you need me, he'd add.

Don't cry.

"Don't cry, [f/n]. I never forgot about you." Dazai tells you softly, saying those words like routine, like it hadn't been years since you'd last seen him and most nauseating, like he missed you. Your eyes widen as he wipes away tears you hadn't realized had been streaming down your face, your body shuddering.

Don't cry.

"You're lying." You murmur, and you so desperately want him to reply that he'd never lie to you, that he missed you and needed you, that you weren't crazy for being angry — that you were forgiven of all your wrongs that caused him to abandon you.

You got none of that. Instead, Dazai leans in and his gentle touch turns harsh as he grabs your face and pulls it down next to him, whispering once more against your ear before letting go. "Just stop making a scene in front of the doctor. These aren't the manners I taught you, are they?"

A threat.

Immediately pulling away from him, you stagger backwards, the glass you had dropped on the floor crunching beneath your shoes. You then turn towards Yosano, who had been standing there watching, stunned. She looks you over, then glances at Dazai, a frown etched on her pretty face. You can tell she's mulling over her options, alarm clouding her sharp gaze.

What am I doing?

"I'm sorry." You find yourself saying, shaken, a sudden guilt eating away at your anger, head bowed down. You're embarrassed.

Dazai was right, this wasn't what he taught you.

This is my own fault.

It was reasons like this that I caused him to leave so easily then and dismiss me now.

You look back at Dazai, an omnipotent presence to you commanding you to stay silent.

You look away, shattered like the glass under your shoes.

"Good!" Dazai yawns and stands up out of his booth, stretching lazily and letting out a lighthearted laugh as he walks past you and towards Yosano, whose eyes never leave you, a haunting pity you don't understand written all over her face.

"Sorry about that! You know how my fans get, I'll be back to handle her. Now, should I help you with the groceries? Hmm..."

You feel your heart being squeezed, and you want to lift your hands to your ears and stop listening.

"Dazai." Yosano stops him, crossing her arms against her chest, her eyes narrowing as she looks at him. "Don't give me this bullshit. Who is this?" She nods her head towards you, her annoyance clear.

Your gaze shifts towards Dazai, your heart hopeful he'd acknowledge what he'd done, that he'd say anything but what he actually does.

"No one to worry yourself about! I've got this, Yosano. She'll stay here while-"

"No one?" You ask in disbelief, and you feel like a dagger has been stabbed and twisted inside your stomach.

No one.

No one.

"[f/n]." Dazai calls out your name as an order you're too familiar with, but you don't care. You don't care the way Dazai reaches for you, nor the way Yosano pushes him away from you as you move past them, dizzily rushing to the door and pushing your way out.

You can't breathe, and as the cool outdoor air fills your lungs, you are sure you'd be making this your last breathe.

No one.

After everything.

You hear yelling from inside the cafe, but all sound to you registers similar to the buzz of a mosquito. Turning away from the door, you reach a hand to where Dazai had just touched you, and you get the urge to claw the skin off you, to remove anything that he had just infected.

"[f/n]."

A warm breath suddenly tickles your ear, and before you can yell and run, Dazai's pulled you into him from behind, forcing you to look at him only by looking up while he looms over you.

Dazai presses a finger to his lips indicating you to be quiet, and then he talks again.

"I'm honestly surprised they have you running free, [f/n], after everything you'd done."

Everything i've done?

You know right then and there that this is your punishment. You deserved it.