Graveyard • Dazai x Reader

13: Melancholy

Standing alone with Dazai under the moon feels drastically different than what you just felt with Akutagawa. Neither of you burn in each other's presence; there is no all-consuming wildfire waiting to turn into a chaotic violence due to a desire to understand and to overpower.

Basking in Dazai's presence now also holds a painful contrast to how you had felt in Chuuya's presence. Chuuya had felt like breathing in cold air in an autumn morning, seeing a multitude of colours falling from trees and the warm sun adding a comfort against the chill of the season. It had been terrifying, confusing, but in the ways a child might find the change of seasons terrifying and confusing if they had never seen such a change take place.

Being with Dazai now felt like you were slowly drowning in the most beautiful ocean filled with the ugliest of horrors. You could feel yourself stop breathing, all your senses muddled and your heart fighting against itself; however, if this is how it felt like to drown it was also an intoxicating feeling of finally resting. The sun sparkling in your eyes and your limbs growing heavy, eyes closing before you could see the monsters lurking in the depths ready to tear you apart. You felt safe in death by Dazai.

You feel oddly safe now in this trap he's laid out for you as well.

Safe yet desperate to breath again.

After shooting you another smile, clearly entertained by the dark look you give him at his question referencing your last interaction, Dazai gently lets you go not caring for an answer and pulls out a white envelope from his coat pocket. He holds it between his middle and pointer finger, twirling it towards you so you're able to read to who it's addressed.

As you look down at the surprisingly elegant print by Dazai, you notice it's addressed to Mori, from Dazai himself. You then glance back up at the brunet, his soft, dark hair falling over his face as he leans down towards you with interest, all while you are evidently more confused now than you were moments ago just seeing him in front of the Port Mafia headquarters once again.

"What is this?" You ask, reaching for the envelope only to have Dazai snatch it back away from you and into his pockets.

"The letter that will excuse your absence from the Port Mafia. Like a permitted kidnapping. Are you interested?" He answers, placing his hands in his pockets and taking a step back from you, tilting his head playfully, as if proud of himself and in a child-like way awaiting praise.

Kidnapping?

Your head spins.

"My absence?" You repeat, unable to grasp at the implications of his words. You ignore the disappointment you felt watching him step away, as if you had already done something wrong that required distance from him, and you ignore the familiar poisonous warmth of hope as he continues to talk.

"Well, not forever, that choice is up to you. But temporarily." Dazai clarifies with a softer tone, and as you search his eyes for something more, for an explanation of this sudden meeting and this bizarre offer, you find yourself only gazing and searching in vain.

Dazai only ever gave away the things he wanted known, and until he wanted to clarify, you would be left in agony in the dark. Left hoping, left questioning you worth.

The remnants of the feelings from the cafe the other day simmer inside you — the rage, the sadness, the utter devotion and familiar submission to this man's reasons. You find yourself fighting yourself once again.

"I don't understand what this is." Your voice shakes, clasping your hands together nervously and squeezing.

You take a deep breath to calm down, digging your nails into you palms.

"Ah, well, I couldn't get that meeting at the cafe out of my head, and so i'm here to prove to you I didn't forget about you, obviously." Dazai tells you in a very playful, as-a-matter-of-fact tone, and for the first time since you were young enough to play and giggle with Elise, before Mori got possessive, you almost laugh. Except unlike back then, the suppressed laughter is a result of a panicked disbelief, and a whirlwind of angry shock.

Ripping bits of your skin because of how hard you're squeezing your nails against your hands, you let go of yourself as you fight the urge to raise a hand and hit him as hard as you can, to inflict any sort of hurt in order to watch his teasing nature disappear into the cold anger you did know how to deal with. At least then you'd know to expect pain. Right now, you don't understand the game Dazai has set up between the two of you.

Dazai sees this and takes your hands into his and pulls you close without hesitation, taking a few steps back so you have no choice but to follow him back into the shadows he came from.

"Breathe, [f/n]." Dazai then murmurs, squeezing your hands in his, doing a drastic personality switch that left your heart involuntarily fluttering.

Dazai is close to you now in ways you'd never wanted before and somehow needed, his brown eyes mixed with pools of honey-coloured swirls, his brown hair tousled ever so slightly by the light, night-time breeze, softly framing his face. His bandaged hands still radiate a secure warmth onto yours, and and the expression on his face is twisted with guilt.

Is it real?

Is he real?

"You've been right to be angry, to hate who i am to you. But I'm here to save you again, and you'll let me, [f/n]. I should have finished what I started." Dazai tells you while letting your hands go and letting his trail up to your face and holding it gently, like he was holding glass.

Your hands drop to your sides and your eyes water, all the years of you waiting to hear similar words coming back to you. You no longer felt crazy, like you'd made up all the pain.

As you stared at the man who had been your whole reason for survival, what slips your mind is the question of why Dazai had decided to say all of this now, why Dazai wanted you to see this guilt woven into his frown, and what it meant. Why Dazai chose this moment now to come back to you...

You can only cry in his arms now, and his arms are a prison you'd been sentenced to since you walked into that cafe.

Just as back then, Dazai knew how to make you obey and how to not hate him. Dazai knew how to make you love who he had become to you,

Dazai was the puppet master and it's creator, and you had always been his favourite project.

"Dazai...who is the weretiger?"