Incorrect Quotes (Jimmy and Joel only)

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Jimmy: I couldn't do this without you, Joel.
Joel: Sure you could. Not as stylishly, of course.

Jimmy: I think we should kiss.
Joel: And I think you should die but we don't always get what we want.

Joel, to Jimmy: How do you tell someone politely you want to hit them with a brick?

Joel: Can I have 2 straws with that milkshake?
Jimmy: Aww-
Joel: With 2 straws, I can drink it double as fast!

Joel: So... what would you do if you were in bed with me?
Jimmy: Depends. Is your bed comfortable?
Joel: Yes.
Jimmy: I'd sleep.

Joel: You can do it, Jimmy!
Joel: But if you can't, at least your death will be quick, painless, and really cool to watch.

Joel: Something's off.
Jimmy: Maybe you've finally developed human emotions and feel bad for hurting people.
Joel: No, but that's funny.

Joel: Deep down, I'm sure I was always pretty okay with you.
Jimmy: Thanks, Joel!
Joel: It wasn't a compliment, numbnuts.

Joel: I wasn't that drunk.
Jimmy: You coloured my face with a highlighter because you said I was important.
Joel: BECAUSE YOU ARE!

Jimmy: Wanna get out of here and grab a bite to eat?
Joel: I don't usually eat with losers.
Jimmy: Neither do I but I asked you, didn't I?

Joel: Where are your parents?
Jimmy: What are parents?
Joel: That's just about the saddest thing I ever heard get said.

Joel: Hey Jimmy, do you have any hobbies?
Jimmy: Swimming...
Joel: Really? That's cool. I never expected you to-
Jimmy: In a pool of self-hatred and regret.

Jimmy: They say that the most valuable things cost nothing.
Joel: They also say that being cheap is an annoying trait, so don't overuse that excuse.

Jimmy: Hey, are you okay?
Joel: Yeah.
Jimmy: You don't look okay...
Joel: Then stop looking.

Jimmy: Hey, wanna hear a funny joke?
Joel: I only like dark humour.
Jimmy, turning the lights off: What do you call a fake noodle?
Joel:
Jimmy: An IMPASTA!

Joel: Do you know a turtle's only weakness?
Jimmy: No... well, their slowness.
Joel: Their weakness is they can't roll over when they are on their backs.
Joel: Now I have a plan.
Joel: If I duct tape two turtles together, they'll be unstoppable and will take over the world!

Joel: I got grounded for a whole week just because I came home late.
Jimmy: Well, you deserved it. I mean, getting everyone's hopes up like that and then showing up again.

Joel: Let's write Jimmy a friendly note, shall we? Dear... Incompetent... Dumbass...

Jimmy: Being half asleep and feeling someone gently plant a kiss on your forehead is one of the purest kinds of love in the world.
Joel: Unless you're home alone.

Joel: What does a winner do when life gives them lemons?
Jimmy: Um, make lemonade?
Joel: No, they squeeze them right back into life's eyes!

Joel: WHOEVER CAUSED THIS MESS IS GOING TO-
Jimmy: It was me...
Joel: ...Is going to be forgiven because everyone deserves a second chance.

Joel: I WOULD DESTROY THE WORLD FOR YOU!
Jimmy: Okay, can you do the dishes?
Joel: No!

Jimmy: You're my best friend, I would do anything for you.
Joel: I want you to eat 3 meals a day and have a decent sleep schedule.
Jimmy: Absolutely not.

Jimmy: Where are you going?
Joel: To either get ice cream or commit a felony. I'll decide on the way.