Incorrect Quotes (Jimmy and Joel only)

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Jimmy: My head hurts.
Joel: That's your brain trying to comprehend its own stupidity.

Joel, texting Jimmy: Any plans for tonight?
Jimmy: No.
Joel: Loser.

Jimmy, texting Joel: Any plans for tonight?
Joel: No.
Jimmy: Loser.

*While planning to break in somewhere*
Joel: Hey, let's do "Get Help!"
Jimmy: What?
Joel: "Get Help."
Jimmy: No.
Joel: C'mon, you love it!
Jimmy: I hate it.
Joel: It's great! It works every time!
Jimmy: It's humiliating.
Joel: Do you have a better plan?
Jimmy: No.
Joel: We're doing it!
Jimmy: We are not doing "Get Help!"
*A Minute Later*
Joel, carrying Jimmy: Get help! Please! They're dying! Help Them! *throws Jimmy at guards, knocking them out*
Joel: Ahh, classic!
Jimmy: *gets up* I still hate it. It's humiliating.
Joel, laughing: Not for me, it's not.

Jimmy: Do you think I'm ugly?
Joel: It's not about looks, Jimmy. What's valuable is on the inside...
Jimmy: Joel...
Joel: For example, someone's heart.
Jimmy: Aw... Stop it-
Joel: It could be purchased for more than a million dollars, you know.
Jimmy: Seriously, stop.

Jimmy: I know one person who finds me funny!
Joel: Okay, who?... and you can't say yourself!
Jimmy: Okay then I'm out.

Jimmy: Joel, you're my best friend.
Joel: Best friend? BEST friend?! Bitch, I'm your only friend.
Joel: I'm THE ONLY ONE CAPABLE OF TOLERATING YOUR DUMB ASS!

Joel and Jimmy, cowering in fear: What do you want from us?!
Xornoth, standing in front of them: *bites into the whole KitKat bar like a heathen*
Joel and Jimmy, crying: Please...stop...

Joel: You're charged with.....breaking into a pet store?
Jimmy: I thought the animals might be lonely.

Jimmy: You think you're smarter than everyone else.
Joel: I don't think I'm smarter than everyone else. I know I am.

Jimmy: "Ignorance more frequently begets confidence than does knowledge" - Charles Darwin
Joel: What the fuck? Begets isn't a word. Quit trying to make up words, fuckface.

Jimmy: Everybody shut up, I'm thinking.
Joel, patting him on the back: Well, don't think too hard. I wouldn't want you to hurt yourself.

Jimmy: Joel, I don't like you.
Joel: What did you say?
Jimmy: You heard me!
Joel, internally: And it turns out I actually didn't hear what the fuck you just said.

Joel: Why did you leave Wrestlemania on for the cats?
Jimmy: They need to learn how to protect us.

Jimmy: I've invited you here because I crave the deadliest game...
Joel, nodding: Knife Monopoly.
Jimmy: I was actually going to play Russian roulette, but now I'm really interested in whatever knife Monopoly is.

Joel: Look, I'm glad everyone's on the same page.
Joel: But it's the last page in a book titled "we're all going to die".
Jimmy: That's not even clever.

Joel: Which is correct, seven and five IS thirteen, or seven and five ARE thirteen?
Jimmy: Neither.
Jimmy: Because it's twelve.

Joel: I can't believe all these people are wearing black. Black is supposed to be my thing, they're all just posers.
Jimmy: Joel, for the last time, we're at a funeral.

Jimmy: Joel, stop! This isn't you, you've gone mad with power!
Joel: Well of course I have.
Joel: Have you ever tried going mad without power?
Joel: It's boring.

Joel: I was arrested for being too cool.
Jimmy: The charges were dropped due to a lack of supporting evidence. (This could be either way to be honest.)

Joel: English is a difficult language. It can be understood through tough thorough thought, though.
Jimmy: You need to stop.

Joel: Don't worry, I have a few knives up my sleeve.
Jimmy: I think you mean cards.
Joel, pulling knives out of their sleeves: No, I do not.

Joel: How many kids do you have?
Jimmy: Biologically, emotionally, or legally?

Joel: Ok, maybe playing 'whose family is most dysfunctional' wasn't the best idea we've had. Jimmy's been crying in the bathroom for over an hour. I can't get him out...

Joel: If there's going to be a big dramatic scene, wait until I get back.
Jimmy: Of course. I can't flip this table by myself.

Jimmy: Joel and I have the kind of easy chemistry where we finish each other's-
Joel: Sentences.
Jimmy: Don't interrupt me.

Jimmy: I have a problem.
Joel: Kill it.
Jimmy: Can you chill for like, two seconds?

Jimmy: Bad things keep happening to me like I have bad luck or something.
Joel: Jimmy, you don't have bad luck. The reason bad things happen to you is because you're a dumbass.