The Dragon's Girl | Taiju Shiba | Tokyo Revengers

Chapter 27

I never really understood it well when people used to say 'they feel stuck' at some point of their lives. I never dwelled on that thought and never tried to get it. It didn't make sense to me. How can you be stuck, like a stone statue in whatever point in life? You're clearly moving, breathing, you're passing days and going through them. You're never stuck!

But then, like everything else I learned throughout my life, it was something I had to learn and fathom the hard way as well. When I was the one stuck this time. Stuck in my head. Stuck in my grey days. Stuck in this unknown and nameless state that felt like everlasting torment. Stuck in those thoughts of being a disappointment and also being disappointed. Being let down and also letting the ones I loved down. Powerless, hurt, faithless, I was just standing there, drowning in the obscurity of it all...

How did everything end up like this? I would keep asking myself.

In the afterglow of everything that had happened, when it all settled down and cleared out. There was nothing left for me to do or say but wait while the shame of everything I did came to haunt me. Through my days, in my sleep. I didn't need anyone else to come and tell me what I've done. What wrongs I did and what decisions I took for me to end up here. I was doing a great job at it myself. All that pain, all that abuse, all those hurtful words they told me, they were nothing compared to what I was doing to myself. Maybe I deserved it! I would think, maybe I deserved to feel that way to repent for what I did...

But at the same time, I was also waiting, waiting, waiting.. I was in hell but I was waiting for a hand to reach for me. For a call out to tell me it's over, and I'm not alone anymore. That I was forgiven and I don't have to be stuck inside myself and in those meaningless days. That I still have someone who cared. I wanted that, I didn't mind if it was the hand of an angel or the devil himself... that's how desperate I was. So I just kept waiting, for him, for Yuzuha, to reach out for me... whoever it is, I needed anyone.

My days, as I said, were meaningless. The first thing I would do when I open my eyes in the morning was check my phone. For a missed call, for a text, for anything that could tell me that it was all over and I would finally move on from where I was. But there was nothing. Yuzuha never reached out to me, which only made me sink lower and lower in the hole I dug for myself to be stuck in. And I didn't even dare to think about trying to call her. How could I?

Even Hakkai who said he'd call to check on me, he never did. It was only that one time visit and that was it. And I don't blame him. I knew he was feeling sorry for me, I knew he did what he did out of guilt because his brother fucked up. But that was it. Because at the end, if I wanted to separate us into sides, just like what Taiju wanted, Hakkai would always and forever choose his sister's side.

But deep down myself, what mortified me the most, was that still lingering thought and need for Taiju to be on my side. I was foolishly and desperately waiting for him. After everything that had happened, I still craved those lies he would come and tell me. Because I wanted to lift some of that heavy shame off of me. I wanted to still feel less of what I was feeling when I think about how he used me, fooled me, lied to me, broke me. I didn't want to face the truth on my own.
The truth of me being nothing but a stupid girl who kept walking towards a deadly cliff. Ignoring all those red signs around her, all those warnings, ignoring her senses, just to jump and fall mindlessly into a dark bottom. Because she wanted to feel that rush of excitement in those few seconds midair. Before landing, slamming and crashing hard and ugly into that bottom she was laying and stuck in right now.

I would get out of bed and glance in the mirror. See my hand in my sling, and wonder which really scared me the most? Was it the truth that I had to face on my own, or was it the fact that after everything he did, I still wanted his lies!!