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Dear Journal - 16.12.2022

Dear Journal 

Fuck my life. Fuck everything. I hate this. I hate being on sick leave! I feel like I'm confined to the walls of my home and I have absolute no clue what to fucking do! I have cleaned, I have decorated the entire house with Christmas decorations, I have baked, I have shopped, I have watched every movie and series there is! Okay maybe the last is an over exaggeration but I'm literally not kidding when I say I am the most bored person in the world. 

My sister is coming by today after school or I will pick her up once her school is finished for the day. Riaz left early this morning for work not knowing when he will be back and by the sound of his voice I guess it will only be my sis and I for dinner tonight. 

We are planning to going Christmas shopping today since neither of us have bought any presents yet, stressing me out a bit since Christmas is in like a week or something. Rolling out of bed with a groan I jumped into the shower washing my black hair already with outgrowths of my real hair colour like damn my hair grows fast.

Riaz and I use the same forest body shampoo always making me smell like him since I began using it after we got together. I can't believe that we have only been together for a little over 2 months. It feels like we have been together for years by now, both by how close we are and also the fact that we live together. 

Riaz won't even let me go back to my own apartment saying he's going to miss me too much and besides we spent all our free time together anyway so it makes good sense to live together. With that said I contacted my landlord the other day saying I'm moving out. 

It hasn't even been a year since I moved into a place on my own and now I'm not on my own anymore but with this beautiful man I love to the moon and back. Smiling under the water I finished quickly drying myself as I put on an outfit of a cute black sweater dress Ri bought me the other day along with some boots. 

I hummed to the music I always have on making some breakfast for myself as I promised Ri I would begin eating every day after we came home from the hospital. As well as promising to never hide anything from each other again. 

Hearing a knock on the door I wondered who it could be since we literally live out in the woods the nearest neighbour like 3 km away if not more. Looking through the peephole I smiled greeting Riaz mom Lucinda with a hug welcoming her in as I helped her shrug her jacket and shoes off before offering her a cup of tea. 

"Hi honey, how have you been, is Riaz treating you well?" she hugged me again pushing my hair behind my ear making me blush at the motherly concern she showed me. 

"I feel better, a little bored with just staying at home all the time but better. And Riaz has been treating me like an angel Luce" I smiled getting her cup of tea ready before we sat down at the table chatting for a while.

When she heard Lyana and I were going shopping she offered to come along which I of course couldn't say no to. I even asked if she could drive so I didn't have to which she said yes to my eyes telling her thank you a million times before we had to leave so we could pick up my sister then head to the mall. 

I pretended to sleep while on the way to pick up my sister. My chest hurts and it's hard for me to breathe. I feel like the air I try to breathe in can't get in properly. My lungs won't expand and accept the air. It hurts. It hurts so fucking bad but I don't want Lucinda to notice or know. This is my problem, and my problem only. I don't wanna burden her with this. 

I smiled when her hand slid into mine as if she noticed I was having it rough, trying to calm me down by physical touch. Riaz must have told her it seems to work on me most of the times, while the times it doesn't work I almost cry if Ri try to touch me.