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Dear Journal - 20.12.2022

Dear Me

I talked with a shrink today. I hate talking to shrinks. I have huge respect for their work knowing that they help people all across the globe but for me I have always hated them. Not particularly the person I am talking with or something like that. There is just something about talking with a shrink that irks me, pisses me off, and leaves me wanting to flee in the other direction to avoid even getting close to one. 

I have never been good at talking about my feelings. I barely even feel or know what I feel. I can see the idea from just that statement why I should go see a shrink but I just find the idea repulsing. Today was hard. I felt like choking on air the entire time, my chest constricting in pain and a burning desire to leave. I felt like crying and I never cry. 

My father waited for me outside the entire time having been so kind as to drive me there when I asked him. He's been different lately. It's like he's upped his game and finally become the dad I wished I had when I was younger. I like this version of my dad. In fact it's only been 5 minutes since we left the shrink my father driving me home as I fell asleep in the car with a splintering headache from all the talk about my feelings. 

As many times before, even in my dreams it haunts me to death about what happened. The sickening crunch of my skull hitting the brick wall keeps resonating in my head, every punch multiplied as if it were happening to me on repeat over and over and over again. It hurts but I have learned to live with the pain. It changes people. While some become rude and full of anger and distaste towards life I became silent, closed off, full of fear I denied myself I had. 

This close to Christmas I hate feeling like a screw up. I feel like I fucked everything up when I landed myself in that ambulance. I have Riaz beside me, I know that, and I have my family as well, I'm just not there with myself if you get what I mean. The doctor said it could take months or even years before I would be well again, and considering my past mental history he flat out told me it would probably be closer to a year minimum before I would feel well again. 

For an entire year I will be forbidden to work and 'forced' to see a shrink at least once a month for at least 6 months. Okay maybe not forced but highly appreciated from everyone around me that I go. Riaz is the only pushing me the least which I am so grateful for. He knows how much heat I get from everyone else and if I got it from him as well it would just be too much. Instead his arms are always open, his ears ready to listen anytime I want him to, and he's just there for me in a way none of my other family members or friends can. 

Riaz stood waiting for me when I got home, my eyes having just opened when we entered the driveway. Seeing him brought the lust back to life I have heatedly felt almost constantly whenever I am around him since we had sex for the first time like 10 days ago or so. He woke something in me I didn't even know I could feel a need for until I met him. 

I hugged my father goodbye in the car, him needing to be somewhere soon making him timewise unable to come out and give me a prober goodbye.  Slowly I walked up to Riaz feeling that giddy nervousness I often feel around him. We are close, but our relationship is still new and well yeah, I love Riaz so I think it's quite normal to feel like this around the person you love haha. 

"Welcome home baby" snuggling into his embrace I enjoyed the moment in the cold winter air, when his voice asked me what I could see he had been wanting to ask from the moment I stepped out of the car.

"Are you okay?" his whisper send a shiver down my spine as I pulled a little back looking up at him with as fake as my smile could get. 

"I'm fine" I lied smoothly through my teeth, to which he saw through me anyway...

"Stop saying I'm fine when you're not" he gripped my shoulders " It's fine to say I'm not fine" the burning tears rolled down my cheeks faster than I could blink and force them away.