The Dare to Destroy ~Cashby~

Chapter 13

I was finally released from the hospital after two days, they wanted to be sure I could keep food and water down, as well as be sure I wasn't going to reattempt. I mean, I hadn't completely thrown away the idea of trying again, but after seeing how broken up my grandparents where, and how upset Shayley was, I promised that I wouldn't, for a while at least. Plus with the state of worry my nana was in, I'm pretty sure I'm not going to be left alone for a while, and I knew they'd gone into my room and removed everything I could possibly use to hurt myself again. I didn't know how I was going to cope, I needed my release now more then ever, my entire world was ripped out from under me once again and just knowing they weren't there made me feel so much worse. In way, even when I wasn't harming myself, just knowing they where there should I need them relaxed me. They had been the only thing I could ever count on, if I needed them, they where there, it was the only thing I could really trust, but they where gone.

I hated my life, plain and simple, I mean what was there to like? Sure I had two great grandparents, and Shay was a good friend...but honestly, there was nothing good in my life, nothing that made me happy, like, genuinely happy. I had something, someone that made me happy, they made me feel like the happiest guy in the world, they made me believe that everything could work out and be okay in the end, they made me feel like I was worth something...but that got ripped out from underneath me in a matter of seconds by the very same person. I couldn't wrap my head around it, how he could make me feel all the things he did and then just destroy me like I was nothing.

Why couldn't Austin have just been honest with me? Sure, I'd of been angry, and hurt, but at least he'd of been honest, which would've made trusting him easier. It would've taken time, but we could've worked through it couldn't have we? But no, he lied, he lied to my face every single day for months. He made me fall in love with him and then he ruined me the only way he could. He ripped out my heart, trampled all over it and tossed it in the trash. Hadn't I been through enough? Between my uncle, my parents, my old friends? Why couldn't I just have something good in my life that wouldn't leave me, hurt me or ruin me? Was I really that much of a screw up? Was I really that worthless that I didn't deserve something good? Was this really life's way of telling me I was a complete waste of space and that I wasn't good for anything, or anyone?

"Why did you do it Alan?" My Nana must of asked me this a hundred times since I woke up. I didn't answer though, I just shrugged, it's not that I didn't want to answer her...I just didn't want to talk about it. I didn't want to have to speak about the lies, the betrayal, just thinking about it made me feel sick that I could be so stupid to fall for the act. I didn't want to speak about how much I wanted to be with my mom again, because I knew that would break their hearts. I didn't want to tell them that the shit with my uncle still gave me nightmares sometimes, that sometimes I'll wake up and I could almost...feel his hands on me, the smell of his borbourn scented breath. How I'm still hurt that my friends at home left me and betrayed me, and how much I missed them. I couldn't tell them how much I missed home and I just wanted to go back. I couldn't tell them any of it, not without braking their hearts or sounding like an ungreatful grandson...I'd already done that enough by trying to take my own life.

"I-I just...I don't know." I sighed sadly, looking down at the ground in shame. I did feel awful, about what I was putting them through, that's what made this so much worse. I tired to take my life, because of him, because of the pile of shit that is my life, I wanted to die...but I failed...and now I could see the heartbrake etched on my grandparents faces. So on top of being upset, angry, hurt, betrayed, fustrated and all the shit...I was also riddled with guilt. Great huh?