What Should Have Been

Intrusive Thoughts

Sakura's POV:

I'm having trouble sleeping. This time, it's not because of worries of back home swirling around in my head. It's because of the man sleeping soundly some feet away from me.

Although the awkward moment happened nearly an hour ago, I still feel so... strange. I can't help replaying it over and over again in my mind. I remember lying, frozen. Looking back, I'm not sure whether I should feel embarrassed or not. I'm not sure what else I could have done.

I'm sure I looked like a dumb schoolgirl. But isn't that what I've always been – dumb, innocent, easily flustered, naïve, useless? I must still look like a silly little girl in Kakashi's eyes... no matter how much I've trained, how much progress I've made, how much my feelings have changed.... He must still see me as I was the first day of training – Sasuke's biggest fangirl.

I shudder at the thought. I have come a long way! I'd finally earned cold Sasuke's attention only to leave him on our wedding day – a day I had dreamt of for years. My feelings had changed. But why....? I'd always been so sure....

My mind flashes to an afternoon months ago.

~It was a beautiful day in the Leaf Village. Kakashi and I were walking together quietly. I could tell he was taking in the day as much as I was, the way he tilted his face up towards the sun, his eyes smiling. I couldn't help but smile too, feeling the stress leave my body if only for a brief moment.

Earlier that morning, Kakashi had walked in on me standing over my kitchen table, rubbing my head and frowning down at the papers scattered all over. I felt so behind on the wedding planning. He'd insisted I take a break. After some back and forth, he'd somehow convinced me. We'd been strolling through the village ever since.

Every now and then, there was a slight breeze. I inhaled deeply.

"Feel better, Sakura?" Kakashi turned his smiling eyes to me.

"Much better," I smiled to him appreciatively.

"Sometimes all it takes is a walk to clear your head."

"Like a reset button."

"Like a reset button," he agreed. "And I know it must help having such lovely company."

"You tell me." I quipped.

He chuckled. "You're right."

The sincerity in his tone caught me by surprise. I felt his fingertips brush against my wrist, and we came to a stop under a tree.

My hand involuntarily pulled away from his. I wasn't used to him touching me so affectionately quite yet. He had been my teacher, after all.

Clearly, this hadn't gone unnoticed. His eyes immediately took in my movement. His eyes flashed back up to my face, and I could tell he was smirking under his mask. "If I didn't know any better, Sakura, I would say you're afraid of me."

"I'm not afraid of you, Sensei." However, my nervous laughter wasn't very convincing.

"Kakashi." He corrected firmly, holding my gaze.

I grimaced. "Just the idea of calling you that feels strange, still."

"What, my name?"

"Well... yeah."

"I told you, Sakura-"

"I know, I know. There's no need to call you 'Sensei' anymore or add the honorific, because you're no longer my sensei but my equal. We are friends, and therefore, it's not considered disrespectful." I repeated his past words, practically verbatim.

"Nice to know you've been listening." He chuckled.

"But it would be disrespectful, because you're my elder!"

His face straightened then. "Oh, come on, Sakura. I'm not that much older."

I pretended to count on my fingers.

"Well, don't count!" He grabbed my hand then.

We both laughed. His hand lingered, and what was funny was that, this time, I didn't pull away. His warm hand engulfed mine, and I was surprised because I thought the palm of his hand would have felt more calloused than it did.

I was also surprised because the contact did not feel nearly as weird as I thought it would. It was a lot more... comforting. That day was full of surprises.

We'd stopped laughing, and his eyes were wandering my face, no doubt trying to read my expression. Just then, a breeze blew through, and some of my hair stuck to my face. With his free hand, he reached up to push my hair back gently and held it there.

Time froze. It felt like a dream. He was gazing down at me in a way I could only describe as a mixture of adoration and awe. No one had ever looked at me that way before. My mind and body were swirling with waves of confusion. Yet, underneath all of that was a comforting warmth and urge to lean into his touch.

It only made sense. He had been my teacher for so long. It only made sense that I would trust him and be comforted by his kind words and affection. Although, I'd never known Kakashi-Sensei to be this affectionate before....

Still, it was a perfect moment on a perfect day to share with someone like him. The sunlight beamed through the leaves in the tree above us, bathing us in glimmering light.~

My thoughts return to the present.

Gentle affection is one thing, but the playful wrestling earlier made me feel another way entirely. Again, something I've never felt before. There was a shockwave of both fear and excitement pulsing through my body like electricity. I remember trying desperately to catch my breath, my heart beating at an alarming rate. I was hyperaware of each place our bodies made contact – his leg against mine, his fingers caressing my wrists, etc.

His dark eyes never left mine, and I was nearly overcome with sensation. I felt like I was burning from within. It was so intense, so much deeper than the butterflies that usually flit around my stomach. What is this – genjitsu? I asked myself internally in that moment, already knowing it wasn't.

Could it be that... no no no no no. I immediately try to shut the thought down. It must be something else.

Admit it, Sakura. Sensei got you hot....

No, stop it! That can't be it! I scold my inner self, but I know it won't work.

Yes, I still do this. Although, it's rare now. It's what Ino and I call "Inner Sakura." She occasionally rises from the deeper, darker portion of my mind. She's blunt, deprecating, and apparently inappropriate. She tends to say things I wouldn't dare to.

Why can't you sleep then? Why can't you stop thinking about him?

Having no rational answer, I simply shake my head.

Thinking about him holding you down....

I squeeze my eyes shut.

That's kinky, Sakura – even for me....

I put my hands over my ears and automatically feel stupid. It's coming from within, idiot. However, it somehow helps. It must be the exhaustion. With my eyes still shut, I drift off to sleep.