What Should Have Been

An Explanation

Kakashi's POV:

I can't help but notice how naturally our hands clasp together - as if we could have been doing this all along. Out of the corner of my eye, I notice her shoulders relaxing. This, at least, makes her feel safe and comfortable.

I realize I need to back off on the teasing. I feel a twinge of guilt and sadness deep in my stomach as I recall her anxious expression moments earlier.

I feel like I have no control over it sometimes. It's hard for me to suppress my emotions when I'm with her. My feelings are dense and swirling, constantly fighting for space in my mind and body. It's all I can do to take the playful route when I can't exactly start gushing my deepest thoughts.

About how much I love and care for her. About how conflicting it's been since my feelings for her have changed. About how perplexing it's been for our entire dynamic itself to have shifted so drastically. And how I understand how that could be confusing for her as well.

Confusing? Not just confusing. I remind myself how disgusting it would be to say any of these things to her. Her, Sakura – my former student. Who was a child when we met. I wince.

But my mind refuses to stop thinking of now – the Sakura I know and love now. Her determined stance and the way she squares her shoulders in preparation for a fight. The defiant look on her face. Her chakra control, powerful healing techniques, and accuracy and impact behind each hit. Then, there's the way she frowns when she's deep in thought and pokes her tongue out when she's working on a difficult task. The way she giggles and soft way she speaks. How she feels so much for those she cares about and would do anything to protect them even if that meant putting her own life in danger. I'm in equal awe over and over again at how she's grown into – not only a powerful and astute kunoichi – but a bright, resilient, confident, and beautiful woman.

I recall that moment of realization. I remember the moment I looked at Team 7 and regarded them as equals – maybe even surpassing me. Then, there was a time we went out in celebration with many of our comrades. I had been reluctant to go, but Naruto and Sakura had pestered me enough. Sasuke, on the other hand, had sighed, "C'mon, Kakashi. If I have to go, then you do too."

So, I amused them. There, I was surrounded by drinking and laughter. I observed all the smiling faces and couldn't help smiling myself when my eyes fell on my team – together and clearly enjoying themselves. Naruto was talking loudly, of course. I could hear his voice over all the rest as he spoke, using his hands too much. Sakura sat next to him, listening thoughtfully. She seemed to chuckle every now and then. Sasuke sat on her opposite side, frowning and shouting at Naruto in typical fashion. In between, however, he was fighting a smile.

Each had a drink in their hand. It was my first time seeing them drink. I wasn't shocked. They were of age, and it was a celebration, after all. But it was yet another reminder they are adults now. I felt nostalgic thinking of how they were: Whiny, hot-headed, dim, ill-prepared, vengeful, and/or lovesick. I much prefer them now.

Sakura took a long sip of her sake. The dim lighting accentuated the way her eyes twinkled. A soft blush dusted her cheeks. Her eyes moved to mine for a moment, and my heart skipped a beat. She smiled, and I smiled back with my eyes. One... two... three... and the moment was gone.

That feeling had become a familiar one over time – that squeezing in my chest when I saw her, heard her voice, heard her name brought up in conversation, or so much as thought about her. I don't know when it started exactly, just that it did. Such feelings had slowly seeped in and snowballed with each encounter.

I continued to watch the group just a moment too long. Suddenly, I noticed Sasuke watching Sakura. She was still listening to Naruto but must have sensed Sasuke looking at her. She slowly turned her head towards him, and their eyes met. Instead of looking away, Sasuke gave a small smirk. There was a rare warmth to his gaze, almost suggestive. Sakura smiled back sweetly, her blush deepening.