Pale Blue Love

Another Gone

      The rest of the summer was chaotic. Yet another line of girls whom all claimed him as their boyfriend. I tried to leave; I really did. But this time it was different. "If you leave me, I will kill myself." He'd tell me over and over. I did not want to carry such a burden. "If I kill myself the police will come get you." How could I leave after hearing such things. 

   There was a time when he took a cigarette and burned a 'K' shape into one of his shoulders. He did it because I did not believe he would actually hurt himself. He did it a couple of times. He would then show it to me and tell me "Look what you made me do." I believed that he was capable of anything after that.

   While he went on camping trips, I stood home trying to digest all that happened. August came and he took me to his home one night after cadets. Gave me a strong wine and from that night another baby was made. The last week of summer vacation I decided to join the cadets on a camping trip to Bear Mountain. He told me that if I went, we would be over. I defied him. I was tired of sulking in self-pity. I wanted to enjoy my summer break. I wanted to enjoy myself and live through a new experience.

   Needless to say, I had the greatest time in that camping trip. I made many great memories with some of the greatest people I have ever met in my life. We even visited West Point at the end of the trip. I was inspired, I wanted to be part of that school someday. 

   During this time, I had no clue I was pregnant, although I did feel sick and tired most of the time. The first day of school came by, he and I were still together. I wanted to do better this school year. After all, it was my senior year. 

   I guess he felt that I was slipping away, he begun a new wave of attacks on me. This time, his guilt trips made me crash hard. "You're never gonna be shit." "You'll never graduate." "You're only holding me back." "I don't love you the way I used to. You have to fix that." "Your family don't love you." Even the history teacher would tell me that I was going to end up homeless and that I wouldn't graduate. I began to stay home more. What was the use of going if everyone believed I wouldn't amount to anything. 

   When October came up, I went to the GYN and found out that I was expecting for the second time. This time I was afraid to say it. I needed help. So, I went to the school counsellor thinking that he would be able to help me out. He sat us in his office, he explained what was happening, he acted so docile around the counsellor, like an angel. You should have seen him. But when Mr. Morgan left us to speak alone everything changed. He cornered me and tormented me. 

"Yo, you are so lucky that we are in school right now. If we were anywhere else, hoo!" He said while pinching me in the corner of the office while speaking aggressively through his teeth.

"I don't want it. Kill it." He said walking away to a nearby seat.

"I want to keep it." I replied. He got up and begun to curse me out. 

"You ain't keeping it. Imma make sure of it. You ain't having this baby."

"Yes I am." I answered while looking down at the floor. 

He paced from one end to the other. I watched his shoes, then they stopped and faced me. I looked up at him. 

"You ain't keeping it. I promise you that much." 

   We argued for the entirety of our lunch period. When Mr. Morgan came back he kicked us out and escorted us to our classrooms. I was mortified. I was fearing for my life.

"Wait Mr. Morgan. I need to use the bathroom. I will go to class once I am out. Okay?" 

"Aight." He said as he walked away. 

   He walked with him down the hall but I was able to hear all the things he told him.

"This girl is no good for you. You gotta leave her, man."

"I've tried but she is crazy. She said she'll kill herself if I leave her. You think I want that on my conscience?"

I went to the restroom and cried. I took one good look in the mirror and screamed at myself "WAKE UP!" Someone came in the bathroom. I cleaned my face and lowered it as I left. 

   I walked half way to class when tears begun filling my eyes. I decided to leave. I made it home in an absolute ocean of tears. My mother was afraid. "Que te pasa?" She asked but I could not find the courage to let her know what was happening. 

   At around dismissal, he called me. He was furious. He had been looking for me around school but could not find me. Upon learning that I was home he told me to forget about him if I was going through with keeping the baby. Then he abruptly hung up. 

   5 Am I woke up in great pain and fever. I got out of bed fearing a miscarriage. I went into the bathroom and saw that I was covered in blood from my waist down. I crouched down on the floor holding my belly. I was grieving my baby. Another one gone. I could not understand why this was happening to me. But it was. I do not remember how long I cried, but it was a while. I got up and cleaned up the floor and myself. I sat on the toilet crying and trying to figure out how I would tell my mother that I was having a miscarriage and needed to get to a hospital. 

   I walked over to her while holding my belly. Tears fell from my cheeks down beside my feet. "Ma!" She woke up and looked at me. "What? What happened?" She said startled. 

"Mami, my belly is in pain and my back hurts. I think I need to go to the hospital. Please, help me." 

"Not now, it's five in the morning. It's just probably cramps. Your period must be strong this month. Can't you wait until it is ten?" She said annoyed to be woken up so early. 

"Mami, please. I don't feel well." 

"Not now. I already told you later." She had no fault in her answers, she did not know. 

   I wondered back into my bedroom holding myself up against the walls. I began feeling worse by the minute. I decided to message him through Facebook. To my surprise he answered. He and my brother Carlos walked me to Lincoln hospital. The doctors scolded us for this. I had bled too much. And I was pale shaking like a leaf. They quickly took me in and begun treating me. But at around 10 AM Carlos left to school leaving me alone with him.

"I want to go in with you. I want to hear them say it." 

"You want to hear them say what?" 

"That the baby is gone. I want to hear it."

   The words hurt me, but not more than his careless behavior. As the doctors rushed to help me, he insulted me. While they inserted the I.V he hovered over me barking at me. I was so nervous, blood begun gushing from my arm near the needle. I passed out and for the rest of the day I had to be wheeled around the hospital. I could barely lift up my head before getting dizzy. But at around 1 or 2 in the afternoon a nice nurse kicked him out after he noticed my blood pressure elevating to a dangerous level. 

"How can you let him treat you that way?" The nurse asked me. But I only shrugged my shoulders.

   The next thing I knew, my parents were being called. The doctors and nurses were nice enough to hide the pregnancy from them. I had to get surgery; they feared an ectopic pregnancy as I was still in a lot of pain even after the fetus removal. He came back and stood with me until I was taken into the operating room. But while I was being operated on, he was out getting someone else pregnant. And hours after the operation; once I woke up, he came back to my bed side. He was in such a blissful spirit. It was hard for me to digest. My mother helped me get dressed in the bathroom as I heard him laughing loudly, making jokes. Of course, the loss was only mine. The pain was only mine to keep. For him it meant he was no longer bound, he was free.