Pale Blue Love

Hello Darkness, New Friend

   I was left in a depression that wrapped its arms around me and rocked me to bed every single night. It held my hand during the days, the only consistent one in my life. Months of torture rolled on. He kept telling stories to others about me. Stories they all believed. But to my surprise, my history teacher was beginning to see him for who he was. A monster. She begun protecting me. 

   I cried most of the days. I recount my 2011 as some horrible nightmare I could not escape. The thoughts of my lost ones haunted me. I was too deep in a relationship that suffocated me. I felt confused about almost everything. As if I was someone else watching myself do these things, screaming "NO!" to no avail. No support from my loved ones, just the darkness I lived in.

   When November came around, after suffering a complete mental breakdown and breaking almost everything in my bedroom, I decided to break up with him. And so, on November 13th, 2011, exactly a year and two months after beginning the relationship, I decided to break free. Little did I know I would be trapped for much longer. 

   The first few months I suffered terribly and he was a bliss. More and more drama kept coming my way. He did not want me to be around any other guys. We were not together, but he felt as though he owned me. He would constantly threaten me for allowing the guys in school to speak to me.

   There was a guy named Angel, we were pretty close. Angel was a great friend to me and often lifted my spirits. I never once did tell him what was happening with me, but Angel knew. He hated this. He even got one of his friends to hit me in an eye with a pencil. I still don't know how they got away with that. But now I suffer from my vision.

   April 26th 2012.

   One of Carlos' ex-girlfriends came up to me and told me that she and him had been in a relationship for almost a year. I was so upset. I looked for him and confronted him. He denied it. He then called her and she denied telling me anything. I was puzzled. 

"You just told me a while ago in the stair case. What do you mean you ain't say nothing?"

   I begun feeling insane, I wished that she would just woman up and confess but she kept hiding behind her lie. Another of his friends came along and joined the two. Then he began chasing me around to beat me. But I kept moving away. We argued until a couple of the guys from his classroom came to my defense. They were tired of the way he treated me and took me away protecting me from him. They watched me cry rubbing my back and giving me the greatest advice, I could have possibly asked for then. 

"If he tries coming back, you just let us know, we'll fuck him up." 

   They walked with me along the halls and gave me water in efforts to calm me down. They told me that I was better than what he had made me believe. They bolstered me, but I was too busy trying to get my head out of the gutter to even mind their words.

   I look back at that, I am so thankful for those guys. 

The next day I came in late. At around 11 or 12. While I headed to lunch Mr. Morgan came up to me. 

"Did you threatened to kill someone yesterday?"

   I was confused. "No." 

"Are you sure? A couple of students came to MS. G and I and told us you threatened to kill them." 

"Why would I threaten to kill anyone?"

"Probably you felt like you were at a disadvantage. Hey, I don't know. You tell me."

"I didn't do that." I walked away into the lunch room.

   While I was walking outside Andrew called me over. 

"Aight, imma give you two options, either way they both have the same outcome. Either you let us call you an ambulance and put you in a psychiatric ward or you make the call yourself and go to the psychiatric ward."

"Why? I'm fine." I said beginning to get heated.

   He followed me. "You are not fine. You think threatening people is okay? Would you prefer if I called the cops on you?"

"I did not threaten anyone. Why can't you believe me?"

"I can't believe you. Look at how you are."

   I decided to call my mother. She came and they sat us down with Mr. Morgan, Ms. G whom was the principal, my history teacher, and another teacher that could translate to my mother. They told my mom that I was mentally unstable. They pointed out my flaws and told her that I was a danger to the other students. I began to cry at this point. 

   I turned to look at my mother. "They are saying that I threatened a couple of students, mom. I did not do that. They don't want to believe me. But I swear I did not do that. I was the one being threatened and harassed."

   My mom believed me, she got me out of there quickly. She took me home and gave me some food and some tea to calm me down. But she did end up taking me to the psychiatric ward. The school would not let me back in unless I had a letter from that place. 

   It was hell. People talking with their invisible friends, the shouting, the food, the stories many of them told me, the fights. I was terrified. There was one man that took a liking to me, he watched over me the whole time I was there. But he too scared me. The pills made me drowsy. I am not able to remember much after. But I did make it out from there. The doctor was angry with the school because and I quote "It was unnecessary for me to be there." All I had was severe depression. "This could had been avoided if they took their time to speak with you."

   My mother took me to school all drugged up with the medication after my release. She threw the paper at the principal and shouted at her. I was not able to make out any of the words they exchanged. I was high on cloud nine to be able to listen. I was awake on the outside, but completely asleep within. It was a weird feeling. I was unable to return to school that year. And naturally I failed.

   During May he confessed that he was having a child soon. When his son was born in July of 2012, I fell down to the floor of my bedroom crying. Why did he allowed this one to come into the world but not mine? My mother found me and she begged me to allow her to help me. She wanted to rekindle our relationship. This day is another turning point in my life. I confessed to my mother all I had been living. From the relationship, to the cheating, all the way to the loss I had suffered. 

"I don't know why mom. He kept this one but refused to let mine live. I don't know why." 

   That was the first time my mother embraced me in her arms since I was a child. I felt so many emotions and such great weight melting from me. She assured me I would make it through, that sometimes unexplainable things happen for a reason we are yet not sure as to why. From then on, I tell my mother absolutely everything.