Holidays Are Hard..

"Christmas is in a few months" she thinks in her head and her mom isn't here for it . This would be the 4th year she celebrates the holidays without her mom texting her and telling her to have someone bring her a plate for thanksgiving or waking up to a phone call on Christmas morning of her mom telling her merry Christmas . "It'll get easier" everyone tells her but it never does . It seems like it only gets harder but as the years go by she teaches herself how to cope with the constant grief she feels every single day some days it's easy . Others it's not . But what can she do about it? She thinks about that every single day . Yeah it hurts right now but what is there she can do about it? Exactly there's not an answer she struggles on her own. Pushes through it on her own. Cuz who really cares right ? Besides her family . And close friends . Every day she sits and wonders what she could've done differently, if maybe she would've given her mom a chance earlier she would still be here . But she knows the blame isn't on her but why does it feel like it is? Maybe because she lost the person who gave birth to her? Maybe because she thinks that if she would've tried harder to help her mom get the help she needed . But addiction only suffices if they want it to suffice . You can't force someone to get help with their addiction if they don't want help . She remembers sitting in that hospital room at her moms bedside praying every second that passed . Hoping that maybe her mom would pull through maybe a miracle would happen . But as the hours passed there was no change . And that's when she knew there was nothing she could do about it . When she knew that all the prayers in the world wouldn't help her mom the way she wanted them to . When that day came when it was time for the doctors to let her mom go she laid on her moms stomach yelling crying telling her mom "please don't leave me" "we can figure this out" "we were so close to having the relationship we both so effortlessly wanted" apologizing for all the things she said to her mom when she was alive the hatred she spewed . She regrets it every day . But what her mom did . Caused her to have such dislike towards her mom . Because all she ever knew was that her mom chose drugs over her . That she sent her to her grandparents because she wasn't right enough to take care of her . Yeah it's a blessing but at the same time it's a curse . The blessing is she got to live her life the way she wouldn't have been able to if she stayed with her mom, the curse? The fact that the trauma that it caused will forever lay heavy on her heart, she forgives her mom but she can't ever forget . The holidays are hard she says in her head once again . But she's got this right?

For anyone that struggles with the holidays because of the loss of a loved one .. Love Always Alexis St James ❤️