Gone in an Instant. (Demi Lovato/Zayn Malik)

Chapter 11

My mouth stays slightly open as I continue trying to put my thoughts together. I have to say something, anything to encourage Zayn. He stares at the counter where the art supplies are still at rest, deep in thought.

"I'm sorry." I finally whisper in defeat, not really knowing what else to say.

"It's fine." He replies, even though it's clearly not. The detail in which he remembers everything, all of those feelings, are clear signals that he is probably still experiencing some of those thoughts.

Everything is slowly making sense now. The mystery that Zayn once was, is slowly unraveling. He wasn't just admitted here due to anger management and depression, he's extremely suicidal as well.

He doesn't have a roommate because when he gets upset, he takes his anger out on anything around him. He yells and punches things, and absolutely hates everyone. But he hates himself even more than he hates everyone else. He blames himself for everything, trapping himself into a vicious, repetitive cycle of self-hatred that he can't escape.

The final thing I know about Zayn, is that he isn't getting released like I had previously assumed. He won't be able to leave treatment until he learns to accept himself like I've learned to accept me. He's been in this place for so long because his thoughts continue to haunt him and maybe, he doesn't even care about going back home.

Sudden guilt weighs down on me like a brick. I thought it would be hard telling Zayn I was leaving before, but what the hell am I going to do now? He has finally opened up to me and told me things that barely anybody else knows. How am I going to leave when he needs me now more than ever?

-

"You alright?" Zayn asks, breaking me out of my trance. I quickly look back at him, my cheeks flushing at the sudden eye contact, and nod.

"Just thinking." I casually reply while taking another bite of my salad. He smiles and I question if it's a real one or not.

It's been two days since we had that talk. We haven't spoken about anything nearly as deep. If anything, Zayn's acting like he never told me and I don't mind that at all. Sometimes I just wish I knew what he was thinking and how he really felt. I guess I can't push my luck too far, though. This is all very hard for him.

Now, as we sit in an awkward silence that would normally be filled by me talking, I debate how to tell him that my sister is picking me up tomorrow. Tomorrow morning.

Part of me wonders if I'll ever see Zayn again. If I give him my number will he remember to call me? Will he forget about me and go back to the UK? If he does go back to London, will he attempt suicide again? Would he succeed in that attempt? Would I ever find out?

"Demi, seriously," Zayn says, now staring at me from across the table. He puts one of his hands softly on top of mine, making me blush even more. "What are you thinking about?" I can tell that he's getting worried and maybe a little agitated.

I sigh, "It's nothing." I quickly blurt, when I actually wanted to say you.

Zayn's face remains serious, "Look, if it's about what I said the other day, I warned you that you wouldn't think of me the same. I'm just a-"

"Stop." I cut him off before he has time to insult himself. "That changes nothing between us. I don't think of you any differently than the first day we met." He shakes his head, not believing me.

"I have to tell you something, but you have to promise not to get upset." I say, looking Zayn directly in the eye.

"I'll try not to." He gently offers. He doesn't want to make a promise that he knows he won't be able to keep. 'Promises' were never something he was good at.

"I'm leaving rehab tomorrow..." I confess, and watch in confusion as he smiles.

"That's great, Demi." He happily replies. I search his face for any sign of sadness or anger, but find none.

"You're not upset?" I wonder. I didn't expect him to act like this. Zayn shakes his head.

"Of course not. I'm happy for you." He answers, "Besides, I could tell you were getting better over the last month and I had a feeling you would be able to go home soon." I smile. Maybe Zayn is doing a little better than I thought. He's handling the news well. Leaving him won't be as hard as I had expected...

At least, that's what I had hoped.