Umbutho

Fifteen

Fifteen

iqiniso liyangi sinda (the truth is heavy on me.)

Never in my life have I ever sat myself down and told myself that one day just one day I would meet the woman who has terrorised my emotions. Here she is looking ever so graceful and beautiful.

My mother, I never thought such words would ever cross my mind and saying them back to myself while I watch her every move inching my heart ever so close to her. I am in love with her aura, her warmth that wraps around me and swirls me in. The way she handles these children, the way in which she speaks to them gives me goosebumps. She is remarkable to watch and all I can guess is that all these feelings inside of me overwhelm me. I am confused because I am unable to understand why she left me. I am happy that she is safe and is still very much alive but at the same time I am hurt at the fact that she is able to take care of everyone else but me, her biological daughter.

I had thought my father would pay someone to pose as my mother but here I am looking at a photocopy of myself. She is every little feature and more of me. It looks like she was recreated onto me. I look away finally, as my eyes remind me of my crying sessions. I should be happy right? Deep down I am, I am soaring with happiness but again I am wondering why? Why is my father regarded as a single father when in fact she has been here all along? "I'm taking a walk. Call me when you are done." I nod at my brother before taking a step forward seeing as she hasn't noticed my presence as yet.

I could never agree with my father accompanying me here when we are at odds with one another. I would rather have someone who is a least bit welcoming in the emotional point of view. I tap her shoulder as I feel some tears masking my eyes making it a little hard for me to see her beautiful face up close. When she turns around with a big smile probably not expecting me she is met with my face that is just minutes away from pouring with tears. Her face is frozen for a while and then the tears come as well, as she lays her delicate fingers on my face while her soft thumb wipes away my lone tear.

Her skin as pale as mine but with a certain glow that I pray is genetic. "Hlehle..." now comes the realization of the shortened version of Buhle which is also a much shorter version of Hlehle. This makes me wonder if my father saw her in my eyes everytime he would look at me and utter the name. "Hi" I say back after swallowing a big lump in my throat which only causes my tears to roll out even worse. She pulls me in as I get engulfed by the fragrance of strawberries and vanilla. She smells divine. I wrap my arms around her plump body as I cry in her arms.

I'm not only crying for this moment but for every other moment before it. I am crying for Phila being in the hospital and me being here with my hands tied because I was forbidden by my own father from rolling in my own happiness. "I'm so sorry Hlehle wam." The fact that she calls me hers makes my heart melt. Her voice octaves softer than anything I've ever heard. It sounds like a feather. This only proves to me of how perfect she is and only adds to my confused state as to how she left if that's even the whole story.

I sit with her in a room that is serene and the colours and warmth that escapes it calls to you. I laid my head on her shoulder basking in the silence. I'm waiting for her to speak she can say anything and I would just listen to her all day. Her voice is just magical in my ears. She massages my head gently calming my nerves at the words that are about to flood out of her mouth. "How have you been?" It's like she can see the struggles that come with me being here specifically today after the horror that befell me the day before.

"I... I don't know." I can feel her confusion because of my vague answer. I don't know mainly because I realised that my love for Phila is getting toxic for everyone around us. I didn't sleep last night thinking about him trying to call his number which only turned out to be futile as it went straight to voicemail. "Would you like to talk about it?" I sigh I have been talking for too long and it seems like the two people whom I talk to are not willing to let go of their stupid egos and allow me to be happy. I don't think talking will help. "No..." I sit up straight then stare into her eyes.