Umbutho

Twenty-one

Twenty-one

Unedited***

Ngi didekile (I am confused)

I've been contemplating whether or not the decision I've taken for myself is a good one or not. I sat by myself, no influence, no voice speaking over me or for me. I thought of myself and I decided that this was not the kind of future I wanted for myself. I don't want to be that woman who covers up for a man that hurts her. I don't want to have excessive make-up on my face because I want to hide the scars and bruises that he left. I don't want to wake up one day and hate him with everything in me because Lord knows I love Phila, sometimes it feels like I love him too much.

This type of love is unhealthy. This kind of love is toxic and insane. Sometimes being selfish is the only thing left to do. I'm not doing this to please anyone nor am I doing this to make them feel better about themselves or anything of that sorts. I'm doing this because I want to look at myself in the mirror and not see Phila's girlfriend but uBuhlebethongo Khumalo. The woman that I have been made to be and not what I think is ok for me. Not what I feel. Looking at him in the eye at this very moment I see a side of him I've never seen before, vulnerability.

His eyes heavy with tears and pain. He is a mess of sorrows which dampens up my mood. His attire looks unattended to and his hair is just as messy as everything else. I don't understand how a person can take such a drastic change in a matter of days when I just saw him two days ago. What would be such a mood damper that he looks like this? "Uright Phila? (Are you ok?)" The words fly out of my mouth as quickly as the storm brews in the sky late at night. He drags along a sigh before pulling the door of his apartment open and allowing me in.

The question of how he can afford such a place still lingers in my mind but the question remains unanswered as I remember the unofficial group him and my father are members of. I walk inside as the sight remains as it was the day I left this apartment on a journey home. "uMa u..." he left out a shakey breath as he begins to shake right before he plops himself on the coach looking exhausted. "uMa useshonile. (My mother has passed on.)" His tone remains cold and empty but his eyes keep resembling the amount of pain that soars through him.

I sit besides him trying to understand who in fact died but whoever it is left a whole in his heart. He looks like his world is crashing down on him and there is nothing that he can do to fix it. I grab his hand and draw small circles on them. Letting him speak his heart out would be a good idea had I not known what kind of a person he is. I feel as though Phila has issues off of the fact that he absorbs every emotion until the lid can no longer close itself and so it explodes onto the people he loves. What ever spiked his first emotion caused a fire deep inside that eternally burns and continues leaving scars behind, some of which he can't take back.

"Do you want to talk?" He shakes his head laying it onto my chest before closing his eyes as tears cascade down his beautiful face filling it with unspoken truths and hurt. I connect my finger in his scalp and drag it across his hair trying my best to comfort him the beat way I can. Humming a soft tune that I grew up listening to and caressing his back with my other hand. Gently drifting him off to sleep with tears all over his face. As I lay his head gently on the couch I stand up with realisation of my true intentions of coming here. But even as cruel as a person can be I would never dump him as he grieves, that would just deepen the wound.

I don't want to leave a broken Phila behind. I want to leave a Phila who understands that he needs help and to heal, not for me but himself. I pace around the room for a moment or two being interrupted by the loud knock on the door and as deep as Phila is in sleep he would not hear this persistent knocking and I know if it continues it would stare him awake. I open the door revealing a worried looking Pefumla, a brother to Phila that I was once introduced to. He is the rude brother that also warned me against his brother so honestly his story is a weird one.

His eyes travel to the sleeping Phila laying his upper body on the couch while the rest of his tall self just has itself on the cold tiled floor. "Sawubona. (Hi)" I greet him back after allowing him in. "Unjani? (How is he?)" He says referring to Phila. I have no words to explain how he is but I know that he is not ok. "He is not ok Bhuti." I may have a certain distaste for him but he is worried about his brother, the least I can do is accommodate him for the time being. He sighs running his fingers through his face. "Phila's mother was one of the only people that were able to keep him together. Now she's gone. I don't want you to feel like I am putting pressure on you but please just be with him for now because he will blow up and when that happens, a lot of people are going to be hurt."

When his last words crossed through my ears all I could see was the picture taken from Zethu Mazibuko's last picture on social media. That on its one fills me with great fear. I suddenly feel as though my throat has dried up. "He may look strong but trust me he is one of the most fragile people I know." He said he wasn't putting any pressure of me but that feels like pressure on steroids. I am already stressed about the possibility of ending up like Zethu and now this. How does this all happen when I have finally made up my mind on this whole relationship? "Please Buhle I don't like you much but please don't give up on uPhila please..." he begs.

"Are you not the same person that told am to leave him, that he is not good for me and now...?" I am trying to understand why he warned me against him to begin with and now this? "That's because I know my brother, I  might not have grown up with him around but I know him. He needs you Buhle. He may have a funny way of showing it but he really loves you. Uzofa la uyo fela khona uPhila MaKhumalo. (Where you die he will too.)" What is happening? And why is this all happening now? Today of all days. I look towards Phila seeing that his mouth has slightly opened just proving to me that he hardly slept since two days ago.

"Ushone nini uMa? (When did Ma pass on?)" I have no idea why this question passes through my lips but it does which leaves me startled but anxious and needy for an answer. "Two days ago." It's like I've always known the answer to my question but affirmation was all I needed. I sigh feeling like the world that I took away from my shoulders last night has found it's way back to them dropping me to my knees with tiredness. The silence that lurks through the room with only but Phila's soft snoring heard makes me even more anxious. I want to be here for him but how can I do that without him hurting me and without me feeling even more attached to him? How do I do it without the love inside of me growing even more dangerous for him?

I am conflicted with having to choose myself and be seen as selfish or choose love and best myself up for it every single day of the rest of my life because I chose something that everyone else wanted instead of me. What do I do? How do I even go about doing what ever it is that I am meant to do? I really want to be leave him but now? I don't know anymore. I don't know whether I can survive a day without Phila never mind my entire life without him. That I just don't think I can do.

"Thank you for being here I guess." Pefumla is such a weird man nonetheless he walks out after saying that asking me to tell Phila to call him once he awakens. But now that we're here what am I going to do going forward from all of this? Now I feel even more trapped than I've ever been. I need a wah forward.

Oh Nkosi ngenze njani? (What should I do oh Lord?)

****Please be patient guys as I try and write as much as possible due to the fact that I am in my last year so this is a very hectic year for me. I'll try to post something as much as I possibly can. Please just bare in mind that I cannot always be available due to school getting in the way of a lot of things. Thank you. Love you all...****