Umbutho

Eighteen

Eighteen

Inhliziyo ibuhlungu, amehlo ayakhala. (My heart remains broken, eyes fill with tears.)

It's been a few weeks since the whole ordeal. I have suddenly become mute. My parents are back together which is great and my brother is seeing someone. They all seem happier. As for me, I feel like I am losing my mind. I have not been in contact with Phila in these weeks. I look like hell heck I feel like hell. I am at war with what feels right and what is right.

I thought that it would be better if I avoid him to make my father happy. It worked I guess. My father is ok with me now but what about Phila? I don't know if he's ok or not because I have had my phone off since I last saw him. I don't even know what I'll say to him or how I'll approach the topic of avoiding him lately. Maybe I should just forget that he even exists.

I have no desire of life at this point. I am even back to my predictable schedule which is just as depressing. I wish I could just see his face, breath in his scent just take him in. I miss him that is not even a lie. Phila made me happy in his own very weird way that only he could muster. I loved his confidence, smile and overall warmth. I loved that he listened without judgement and just honest, raw interest. I loved how tall he stood in front of me towering over me like the tallest building in Johannesburg.

Here I am speaking of him as if I am mourning the loss of his life. I speak of him as if he has left me all alone in this cold world. Yet he lives, hopefully. With the life that the men around my life live you can never be too sure of anything really. Phila made me happy oh I wish that was still a reality. 'But what are we doing Buhle? Are we ghosting him? Is that it? Are we really going to act like he never even existed?' The little voice inside my head mummers to me every waking second. I don't know what I am doing sitting in this depressing house waiting for a miracle to happen.

So I am going to Phila, wow that didn't last long. I feel like a love struck teenager who is overly obsessed with her boyfriend. What else can I do but stop my mopping and finally go and meet him. That's a good idea right? Hopefully it is. So here I am about to knock on his door before it just flies right open revealing a very angry looking young woman dressed in the most revealing clothes I've ever seen. She glances at me once "So you must be the girlfriend..." before I could answer she was already on her way out leaving me stuck on the ground.

What just happened? I step inside Phila's apartment and there he is with his hands covering his face and no shirt gracing his chest. "What was that?" I just need to understand what just happened because my mind is just whirling with possible scenarios and none of them look good right now. He looks over at me with eyes filled with shock then worry and just as I thought that was it, I am suddenly met by anger. Why is he angry? "Ufunani lana Buhlebethongo. (What are you doing here?)" Haa he is using my name, my full name at that. "Phila what was that?" He stands up before shaking his head and walking away.

"Phila." I know I can be a nuisance and right now that's what I am planning on being until I get what I want. "Hayii mahn Buhle yini ufunani? (What is it that you want?)" I can detect a bit of anger seething from his lips before he turns around right as he was about to enter his bedroom hopefully for a shirt. "I asked you a question Philasande, what was that?" He looks at me just for a while and just as I think he is about to walk away again his eyes switch like there is a completely different person looking back at me. I know this look, it was there when he almost squeezed the life out of me.

It's not a good look. I start walking backwards as his jaw starts twitching and his legs grow a mind of their own. "You come from wherever it is you came from and start bombarding me with questions. Awungiboni wena Buhle (you think lightly of me), you think I'm some sort of idiot just because I love you angithi (right). Don't take me for a fool Buhlebethongo angiwona umngani wakho mina siyezwana? (I am not one of your friends, do we understand each other?)" I nod my head faster than my mind can process just as his face gets inches away from my face. His nose is right on the tip of mine.

My heart is beating out of my chest right now. I don't know what he is going to do and I don't think I want to know at this point. "Ngiyaxolisa (I'm sorry) Phila." His eyes still hold the same look. This very look that frightens me to death. "Ufunani la (What are you doing here?) Buhle?" What am I really doing here? I have tears at the brim of my eyes and I probably look really messy. "I wanted to see you." His left eyebrow ticks before his hand contracts with my waist in a gentle way. "After how long?" I blink away my tears before attempting to look away from him. Just as my attempts go to waste, the hand that rests on my hip tightens reminding me of the day I went to the hospital because of these very hands.

"Phila I'm sorry." I whimper out as tears flood my eyes making it impossible to see him clearly. "I asked you a question." His voice sounds to my ear as he tightens his hold on me yet again. "Four weeks." I answer his question as pain shoots from my waist while my back balances itself with the wall behind me. "Four weeks? Ngibukeka nje ngeslima la kwena (Do I look like a fool to you) Buhle? Am I an idiot or some toy that you can always come back to whenever you want? Mhmm?" I shake my head as a sob escapes from my lips. "Ubanga umsindo! (You're making noise!)"

I cover my mouth using my right hand as the left one tries to pry Phila's hand from causing anymore harm to me. "I asked you a question Buhlebethongo. Phendula! (Answer!)" This is not how I thought today would be like. It's far from how I thought it would be like. "No I don't think you are an idiot Phila. I'm sorry Phila please... Ngiyaxolisa (I'm sorry) Mntungwa." I am scared. I am shaking in fear right now. He stares into my eyes before letting me go completely and walking into his room leaving me shaking on the floor, withering in tears and in pain.

I don't like this side of him.

I sit there on the floor silently crying from the pain in both my heart and my waist. Everything is just flooding out of my head at this moment. I am shaking and disoriented from what just happened. The most prominent thought that come to me is the fact that I made him hurt me. I don't know why this is prominent but I know that I was wrong for avoiding him for this long. I know I was wrong for not informing him about what was happening at that very moment because deep down I know what he did was wrong but I also know that what I did was worse. Forgive me for protecting the person that hurt me but I just can't help it.

I love Phila more than anything and I guess that the more I see sides of him that are far from perfect, the more my heart  grows to love him more. I don't know what's wrong with me in this sense but I can't help it. My heart just wants him around. After an hour and a half he walks out of his room and kneels in front of me. "I'm sorry." He whispers before attempting to scoop me from the ground. I flinch as I move away from him. I love him yes but I am more afraid of him than I would want to be right now. "MaKhumalo..." He trails off as he lays his hands on my knees while I look away from him.

My entire face is stained with tears and the constant voice in my head telling me that I shouldn't have been so persistent with the questioning, that I shouldn't have followed him then maybe this whole thing wouldn't have happened. "Ngiyaxolisa Mama ngiyacela (I'm sorry please). I want to help you." I look into his eyes as I notice life back into them. I notice that he is infront of me as nothing more than the Phila I know and love. "Wha-what's wrong with you Phila?" I honestly want to know. Is he sick? Does he have multiple personalities? Or is this really him shying away from the spotlight?

"Standwasami..." He trails off yet again causing butterflies to flutter their way in my stomach only briefing my mind of my hearts betrayal to the effect the word has to me. "Let me help you please." After a lot of bickering and the back and forth I have with my mind, I let him. He carries me into his room as I stare in awe of the mess that welcomes me in. The whole room is trashed and something in my head tugs a heavy but worthy thought in me.

What if he had done this to me?