paradoxical

i miss being mad at the world; at everyone else

Today I am filled with anger and resentment

I do not know how much of it is actually mine

Sometimes, it is as if I am seven years old

My sister's bothersome behavior making me snap

Screaming at her and pushing her onto the ground to get her away from me

as if it were pushing her mocking words away as well

I am not seven years old

My sister's bothersome behavior now consisting of her overwhelming success

And I find myself screaming at her

wanting to push her onto the ground

hoping it pushes her condescending remarks away as well

Sometimes it is as if I am thirteen years old

My friend for making me feel left out by hanging out with friends that aren't me

She upsets me as I storm away from her

as if the overwhelming fear of never being good enough would leave as well

I am not thirteen years old

And I find myself feeling left out and incredibly alone

She upsets me and I want to storm away

I want the feeling to storm away with me as I run

Sometimes it is as if I am eighteen years old

My parents lack of understanding my actions hurt

Yelling at them how home will never be where they are

as if uttering the words out loud amounted to the idea that I could choose where home is

I am not eighteen years old

And my actions are perceived negatively

I yell at her and plead to go home

I want her to tell me why I am not home

I want her to tell me where home is

I am not seven years old

I am not thirteen years old

I am not eighteen years old

I am alone with my anger

The condescending remarks are mine alone

The loneliness and hurt is mine alone

The homesickness is mine and mine alone

I have no sister to berate me-- I have but myself

I have no friend to alienate me-- I have but myself

I have no parent to scold me-- I have but myself

All this anger -- it comes from me

and is to me

I do not know how much of it is actually mine

But today I am filled with anger and resentment