In One Frame

Empty Love

I was having a breakdown a few hours ago, I didn't where it came from or how it started or maybe it was just bottled-up emotions bursting up all at once, I don't know who to call, my best friend had a different timezone and is busy working I don't want to bother him, I can't call Off he's family he wouldn't understand. I left a message at the guild I was in, in hopes that someone might be available just to get me through that painful hour even for a minute but I deleted it later on as I realized there are working and do not hold their time like me. I decided to turn to Twitter to look for someone but exited the app when I thought that no, they are also working nobody's online.

Posting on Facebook was such a bad decision I don't want them to feast on my misfortune and talk behind my back. They were no friends but strangers that are curious about my life.

I sobbed quietly in the back kitchen of my shop trying to even out my breathing to not make things worse by having asthma attacks. I tried to calm myself. I checked my phone several times, on and off waiting for someone somebody to message me when I thought that. Ah, what a lonely life I've led.

I got no one just friends to go out with, beer buddies you talk casually but cannot share sensitive notes with. I laughed at myself chuckling a little. I never felt so little and cramped in space.
I kept deluding myself that I was fine yeah, I am fine I am going to because it was my choice but fuck, when did I ever feel the need of someone just anyone who can.
I've always been good all alone so what's this feeling? I got so confused by the minute my hands started shaking, but I was not mad that I'd shake. But it felt nothing it felt sad. It is as just so empty. No...

I was just empty and I didn't know how to deal with it because I had been alone keeping my thoughts to myself, I was so used to being like this that it was as normal as the weather that I brush my worries off.

I had no time to do drama and shit because there are more important things I needed to do and I thought my feelings weren't one of them. Or just maybe if I tended to it I'd break down any moment. I was close to an hour ago but I manage to shake the ugly feeling off and now I'm writing about it.

That this will be on my note forever nobody to read but me. And now I decided to post it somewhere. I don't care anymore I had to let this out one way or another and drinking is not a solution anymore, it doesn't help except for hangovers that make my head hurt.

With all these thoughts whirling in my head I laid down motionless on the floor, yes on the kitchen floor. I needed to feel the ground I need to feel that I should not be going over my head in million scenarios and different ways this all could end.

Dying is an option but after death what comes, leaving everybody and everything you've worked so far. No dying is painful I hate pain. I stared at the ceiling like a lunatic spacing out.

" New New!!! New?"- Tay

He was standing looking over at me with a horrified expression, his feet planted beside my head. Kneeling and grabbing my body hugging me, shaking me.

" New what's wrong? Hin tell me?! Please don't be like this you're scaring me"- Tay

His tears trickled down my cheeks, I looked up at him smiling.

"I'm okay Te, I'm okay. The floor is cold it was so hot that's why I was lying down" - New

He looked at me suspiciously, as if not believing the words coming out of my mouth.
He hugged me closer his forehead leaning on my shoulds as I pat his back.

"Do you think I was blond seeing those empty eyes? Hin... Just tell me ...  What is wrong I'll try to fix it... I will try to.." - Tay

"Te ... Don't cry... The problem is me  nothing is wrong with everyone it's just me" - New

"I can... I can make you better, I can .. Hin... Just let me, please I can make it all go away" - Tay

"Yeah .. Yeah I know .. " -New

When he calmed down we were now seated at the window glass area of the shop. I decided closing for the afternoon was best because I can't focus on working anymore.

Instead, we decided to work through all this.  Tay grabbed my hands not letting making me feel assured that he was there and he is not going to disappear.

"Hin... You can do this I believe in you, if you can't tell them tell me. I am always here Hin, I am here"- Tay

I smiled timidly looking into his eyes I see my reflection the ugly side of me that he was willing to accept no matter what. However, I thought of it I never deserved such a person he was so bright that I was scared I would cast a shadow over him.

He played with my fingers drawing a circle in my palms which I found soothing. His cheek pressed on the table his observing eyes trained on me.

"I am here, I will always be here. If you felt like you are empty I'll be there, if I can't fix it I can be empty with you, anything for you Hin anything.." - Tay

He murmured which earned a chuckle from me.

"I keep that in mind Te" - New

Silence ensued between us.

" I love you New .. " - Tay

" Thank you Te, I love you too.." - New