A Lost Ghost

Chapter 19: A Mother's Love

"Miles?"

My eyes narrow as I look up. My heart dips in my chest as my mother stands in the cell with me. She looks beautiful and out of place in this dingy cell. Her face blurs as the tears swell in my eyes. She walks up to me and kneels down, wiping the tears away with her thumb. Just like she used to do when I was a kid. We both say nothing. I just stare into her dark, warm eyes, thinking about all the things that could have been. Maybe one day, I would've forgiven her. Maybe one day, I would've realized why she did what she did. Maybe one day she would've given me the reason herself. I shake my head as I stare at her. All I can feel is guilt. She will never know what happened to her only son. Her only child. The least I could've done is answer her freaking calls.

"I'm sorry. I'm sorry, Mom."

She smiles. Her smile is the first genuine one I've seen in weeks. She grabs my shoulders and pulls me in. I wrap my arms around her, crying into her shoulder. The comforting touch of my own mother calms me down, makes me feel safe in the only way a mother's touch can. I don't care what she did wrong anymore. The only thing I care about now is seeing her, hugging her, and saying goodbye one last time. I take in a deep breath and look up from her shoulder.

"Mom. I need to know why. Please? Before I go?" I whisper.

She pulls away and stares into my eyes, saying nothing for a while. She lets out a deep breath and smiles at me.

"I wasn't happy where I was. I was afraid that I'd ruin your life. Your father's life...but I had already given everything. I was afraid to do it, but I knew that if I didn't, I would be stuck unhappy forever."

My eyes widen.

If you're scared of doing something, just do it scared.

She nods as she sees the look of realization in my eyes. I look down. It wasn't a satisfying answer, but now I know. I take in a deep breath and close my eyes, letting the tears slip down.

"Just know that soon I won't be in any more pain," I say. She smiles again and shakes her head.

"You're not done. I raised a soldier...not a quitter. Now get up...and survive."

I shake my head.

"How?"

She nods towards the barred window.

"The answer's right out there."

A thought rushes into my brain. I look at my mom and tilt my head. How is she here? Am I dreaming? I squeeze my eyes shut and open them again. I stare up at the ceiling of my cell, my fist still closed around Akio's necklace. I lift my head, seeing my empty cell, my mother nowhere to be seen. I was just dreaming. My eyes narrow.

"You're not done. I raised a soldier...not a quitter. If you're scared of doing something, just do it scared. Just do it scared."

I take in a deep breath.

"No," I say out loud. "I'm not done."

Not after Chueng's sacrifice, or Akio's, or Matrix's, or even the Russian Friend's. I have to live. For them. For me. I push myself up and limp over to the window. Standing on my tiptoes, I look through it and see the F-18. I stare at it as my mind turns, trying to formulate a plan. It was risky. Super risky. The first step alone has a high probability of failing. But I'm done letting the fear control me. I've had enough of them mocking me, torturing me, laughing at me. I'm here now, hopeful and furious. I am made of steel that does not break, tempered with fear and pain. I may be afraid to do this, but I'm gonna do it scared. I'm gonna do it. I'm looking fear right in the eyes and saying, "I just don't care."