Her Last Year

Chapter 4

A few days later, Noah was released from the hospital. With his arm looped over my shoulder, I lead him through the front door. We set down his things and I help him up the stairs to his room. He looks exhausted. With all the noises constantly being made through the hospital, it isn't hard to see why.
When we get to his bed, I lay him down and pull his blanket up to his chin. I gently brush some of his hair out of his face and let my fingers linger there. He looks so peaceful. I smile. His eyes flutter closed and I gently move my hand back to my side, walking away as quietly as I can muster. "Wait." He says, drawing my attention back to him. I can tell by the fluttering of his eyelids that he is forcing them to stay open. "Stay?" He asks me and his voice cracks. The tone in his voice tells me he's afraid, but of what? I nod.
"Of course." I say as a response and walk over to him. He scoots over to make room and pats the space next to him. I fight a smile and slide in, finding a comfortable position. Laying on my left side, I face him, looking into those ocean blue eyes that are so captivating. I could look into them forever. They remind me of happier times. One memory sticks out and I smile, remembering it.
"What're you thinking about?" He asks and I sigh. It was a long time ago in a much happier time. I decide to tell him.
"I was thinking about this one time when I was at the beach with my mom and dad. This was before he left and before my mom started shooting up. When we were happy." My eyes tear up at the memory of the happiness we felt but I blink them away. "I was about 6 or 7 and I had run down to the water. Back then, my favorite feeling was the water up to my ankles as I dug my feet into the sand. I was so wrapped up in the free feeling of the wind in my hair and the sound of the waves that I didn't even hear my dad come up behind me." I laugh, remembering the surprise I felt when he picked me up. "Before I knew what was happening, his hands were on my waist and I was above his head, reaching for the seagulls up above us. Mom came running up to us with the bread we'd bought and handed me a piece. I tore off a bit and raised my hand up high, trying to reach one when it flew down and ripped it out of my hand. It got so close I thought it would take my hand off too! But it didn't of course. I remember laughing hysterically and screaming wanting another piece. Then of course I eventually got bored of that and he put me down. I started running through the waves. I fell so many times that day I swear I swallowed at least a gallon of salt water. That was one of my favorite days." I say with a smile etched on my face, as if I were a piece of artwork or a moment in time, caught in the act and frozen forever. "I thought that was what forever was like. Happy and exciting, ya know? Beautiful and breathtaking but also real and final. I thought I could be happy like that forever." The smile falls from my face and I realize just how long ago that was. "I was wrong."
I look up at his ceiling. There isn't really a fixed point since it's all the same color but I look at it anyway. I can almost hear the sound of the waves crashing against the shore. I close my eyes and picture it. "Maybe we could go to the beach sometime. I've never been." I sit up immediately and open my eyes wide. For a moment, I forget how to breathe.
"How is it possible that you've never been to the beach?!" My jaw is lying on the floor and I feel the shock like a ton of bricks. I thought everyone had been to the beach!
"I don't know. My family never really went out together I guess. If we had I suppose it would have been something to do but I don't know. I guess it just wasn't on the list of priorities." It strikes me for the first time that maybe Noah's family isn't as perfect as it seems. I haven't seen a father figure around but I already assumed he wasn't in the picture. I know his sister is dead but what about grandparents or aunts and uncles? I hate to ask the question, but I need to know.
"What happened to your dad?" I ask carefully. My tone of voice comes across as wary and he smiles sadly. I immediately wish I hadn't asked.
"He was a really bad guy, I mean, he's in prison now but he hurt a lot of people. I don't even know much but I know that he's where he belongs." He says and there's a hint of something else there.
"Have you ever met him?" I ask, becoming more and more curious as the seconds tick by.
"Yes, once. He was in a grey jumpsuit but even in that he managed to look immaculate. That was the moment I realized what he was. Just by looking at him I could tell that he was a monster and I was immediately disgusted. I hated how much I looked like him. He was tall and towered over everyone. At least 6'8". He walked like he was a god even though his hands and feet were cuffed together. How he managed that, I don't know. I still wonder how mom got mixed up with him but she won't talk about it. I've tried." I smile sadly at him, running my fingers through his hair hoping to calm him.
"Well, he's missing out on how amazing his kid is turning out to be." I tell him, hoping that lifts his spirits a bit. He smiles at me gratefully even though it doesn't reach his eyes.
"You know, sometimes I get so scared because I'm afraid I'll be like him. "Like father like son right?" I know it's probably stupid but I can't help but he afraid." I nod, knowing exactly how he feels. I know all too well the feeling that you'll be like your parent. I can count on more than two hands the number of times I've feared that I'll turn out like my mom, or worse my step dad. "Like what if I hurt someone? I always think about how I could hurt anyone who hurt my mom or someone I care about but what if I'm the one who hurts them?" There is a fear on his face that I am all too familiar with. It's the same fear that I felt when I knew my stepdad was going to hit me. The fear of what is coming. I shake my head, knowing where this is going. Somehow he's convinced himself that he's going to turn out like his father. In his mind there are no ifs, ands, or buts about it. That breaks my heart.
I take his face between my hands, forcing his eyes to meet mine. I look at him hard, wanting each word to hit him hard. "You are not like your father and you won't be. I'll make sure of that. I have that fear ya know? But instead of letting it seize me, I'm fighting tooth and nail to ensure I don't end up like them. Right now you're gonna promise me something and I'll do the same. Promise me right now that if I even think about doing drugs or hitting someone you stop me right then. I don't care what you have to do, promise me you'll stop me." He nods his head and links his pinky with mine. "Now, I promise you that if I ever see even a bit of darkness in you, so help me I will smack you so hard you'll be seeing unicorns and tooth fairies. You hear me? You are not going to turn out like him. I won't allow it." I link my pinky with his and squeeze, never breaking eye contact. "We are going to be okay." I say with a note of finality. I can't afford to think any differently. I need him to be okay as much as I need myself to be. It's been so long, it's what I need.
He lays back and curls into me. I freeze up, not sure how to react but relax, letting him.
Within seconds he's fast asleep. I brush his hair out of his face and kiss his forehead before slipping out of the bed. I quietly make my way downstairs and find his mother in the kitchen. I enter and it takes a minute before she notices me. She jumps when she does and I apologize for scaring her.
"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to scare you. I just came to talk to you about something. Noah said you don't talk about it and I don't want to push you, but I'm worried about Noah. He's afraid he's gonna turn out like his father." I pause and let that sink in. The first emotion that crosses her face is fear and then a broken kind of sadness. "I know it's hard for you to talk about but I don't know how to help him." She nods, searching for something to say.
"I wasn't in love with his father when I found out I was pregnant. In fact, we weren't even together. He raped me." She stops and I rush over to her as she chokes down a sob. She sits down on the stool next to mine and I give her a moment to compose herself. "I was walking home from work and he ran into me in a dark alley. I never saw him coming and he was like an animal. He was the predator and I was his prey. After that night I vowed not to marry and didn't even think about the possibilities of being pregnant until, well, I found out I was. I knew he was the father and refused to let him into Noah's life. One day when I was at the market shopping for baby things, I ran into him. I knew immediately who it was. No one else I'd met had that swagger in their step. It was unmistakeable. He saw to clothes and diapers and put it all together before I
could scream. He pulled me aside and beat me. I went to the doctors immediately after and was lucky not to have lost the baby. That was Noah. I'd already had his sister with some guy I had a fling with. He's promised to stick around but bailed as soon as she was born. She was two at the time. I never told anyone any of that until today. He must've gotten arrested for something else later, I don't know what it was. I refused to. I decided to take Noah to see his father once so he wouldn't be confused. Automatically Noah felt the evil that ebbed off of him. We haven't been back since." She plays with the rubber band on her wrist, popping it over and over. I recognize it as a nervous fidget caused my negative emotions triggered by a memory. I've seen too many Criminal Minds episodes.
I take her into my arms and hold her. I don't know when, but she started crying into my shoulder and didn't stop for a while. Eventually she quieted down and we broke away. "I'm going to take a walk." I nod as she excuses herself from the kitchen.
I follow her out but turn to the right and ascend the stairs. Standing in the doorway, I watch him for a moment, noticing how peaceful he looks. How could this become a monster? I walk over to him and kiss his forehead before climbing in beside him and pulling the covers to my chin. His arm immediately drape over my stomach and his head finds its way to my shoulder, resting there. "I won't let you become a monster, I promise." I trace circles on his arms with my fingertips absentmindedly until I eventually fall asleep.
***
Believe it or not, those were the good days. We believed in the promises we made, sealed with our pinkies. During those days we were each other's life lines. I'm still trying to find where it all went wrong. What did I do? Or maybe what didn't I do?