Her Last Year

Chapter 6

Everything feels heavy as my senses come back. With no idea how long I've been out, I attempt to focus everything I have into moving. Maybe I'm dead? If so, this is not what I expected being dead to feel like.

Slowly, I hear a buzzing in my ears. As it gets louder, it begins to sound more like beeping. I recognize that sound all to well. It can only mean one thing. I failed.

Suddenly, I don't feel like opening my eyes. I don't want to wake up. I don't want to be here.

I sigh and force my eyes open, knowing I should get it over with now rather than later. The first thing I notice is that the hospital room I am in has many machines in it and they're all hooked up to me.

The tiled floor is white and looks very dirty. To my right is a chair with someone sitting in it. At second glance, I realize it is Noah. He is curled up in an awkward position with his head resting on the bed beside my hand. He looks so peaceful, I don't want to wake him, but I have to pee.

I carefully, slide out of bed, doing my best not to move it too much or make any noise. I pull out a few needles, not wanting to take the machines with me. They start beeping like crazy and I slip into the bathroom and lock it before the nurses come running in or worse, Noah wakes up.

I do my business and look at myself in the mirror as I wash my hands. What a failure. I can't even kill myself. I shake my head, not wanting to think about that and wipe any excess tears that have made an appearance.

I brace myself, then open the door and step back into the room. Nurses are running in and out like chickens with their heads cut off. Noah is a mess with tears running down his face and his hair standing up as he tries to get the nurses to tell him where I am.

I could easily slip out, but I decide that I need to at least say goodbye to Noah before I disappear. I owe him at least that. I've caused enough trouble for him in the short time we've known each other and continuing to be in his life will only further that.

Clearing my throat, I gain everyone in the room's attention. After I do I realize that I'm not sure what to say to them. "Um, sorry I was using the restroom?" I say, focusing on my fingers. A nurse immediately jumps into action, forcing me back into bed and barking orders at the other nurses. My head is swimming as I attempt to follow it all.

I make a point not to look at Noah. I can't. I don't even want to imagine the pain I have caused him and his mother when they have been nothing but kind to me.

The nurse reconnects the wires and I wince as the needles are inserted into my skin. I've never been a fan of them. I feel Noah's presence as he reclaims his seat next to me. As hard as it is not to look at him, I know it will be even harder if I do, which helps a little.

His hand slips into mine and I know all resistance is futile. I can't not look at him. My eyes find our hands first, still not ready to meet his eyes. He takes a deep breath and uses his other hand to lift my chin so I have to meet his eyes. They are filled with tears.

A few fall down his face and I release his hand so I can wipe them away. As soon as our skin makes contact, I feel an electric current run through my arm. He leans into my palm and I take a deep breath as goosebumps appear on my arms.

He opens his eyes and they find the bandages on my wrists. I look away from him, to shameful to meet his eyes. "Why did you do this?" He asks even though I know he knows the answer. I don't say anything, mostly because I don't know what to say. "Say something, please."

I take a deep breath. It's now or never. If I don't say it now I know I won't have the courage to later. Noah deserves an explanation. That is the least of what he deserves.

"When I get out of here I am going to apply for a job and search for an apartment. I have money saved up so I can afford a hotel until I find one. I wasn't strong enough Noah and for that I'm sorry. I appreciate everything you and your mother has done for me but I can't keep bringing my problems into your lives. I knew something would happen, I just didn't think it would happen this soon. But this is my doing and I have to start taking responsibility for myself. I'm sorry for all the pain I've caused you. I never meant for any of this to happen." I finish my speech and search his face, but it is blank. I take a deep breath waiting for him to say something, anything.

Instead, he gets up and walks out of the room, leaving me here. As soon as the door closes, my heart shatters and my tears start falling like a waterfall.
***
Noah's POV

WHAT THE HELL.

I walk out of there pissed, but mostly broken hearted. First she tries to kill herself, and now she wants to leave me? This has to be my fault because it seems like she can't get away from me fast enough.

I see my mom in the waiting room and as soon as we make eye contact she knows something is wrong. She is at my side within seconds with an expectant look on her face. I take a deep breath in an attempt to organize my thoughts. "What's going on?" She asks.

"I'm in love with her, mom. I have been since I found her on top of the water tower. It broke me when I thought I'd lost her and now that I know I haven't she wants to leave me. This has to be my fault. She thinks she's burdened us with her problems and hurt us when she hasn't. I can't stand to have her leave, mom, I can't. I can't lose her. I almost did and I'm not willing to go through that again. You have to convince her because I'm not sure that I can. All I know is that she can't leave me. I love her. And I know all of this is happening so fast, I mean I'm even having trouble keeping up with it, but I know with every fiber of my body that I really do love her. From her laugh to how young she looks when she's asleep, I love everything about her. The day we hid together in her closet when her dad hit her was one of the best and worst days of my life. I love her and I can't explain it, but I do. Mom, what do I do?"

She stays quiet for a moment and just when I think she is going to say something about how I'm too young to know what love is, she surprises me. "Give her a reason to stay."
***
After that day nothing was the same, but I stand by what I said. I loved her and still do with every fiber of my being. Unfortunately for both of us, sometimes love isn't enough. And what happened next I don't think anyone saw coming.