Her Last Year

Chapter 5

Unfortunately, school doesn't wait forever, and my absence from it has come to an end. I take a deep breath before rubbing my eyes and rolling out of my bed. I walk across the cool tile to my bathroom. I walk over to the sink and run cold water over my face. Last night I did not sleep well. After drying off my face, I look at myself in the mirror, noticing the bags underneath my eyes.
I turn to the shower before starting the water. Looking at the time, I have thirty minutes. I sigh in relief before getting in, letting the water hit my skin. I watch the trails the droplets make as they run down my body. I close my eyes and tilt my head back, allowing the water to hit my face. I start to cry, my tears blending with the water. I grasp the shampoo shakily but manage to pour some in my hand and smooth it through my hair. After what doesn't feel like long enough, I am finished. I step out into my towel, drying myself off. Looking in the mirror again I notice that I look somewhat better.
I attempt a smile but end up looking nauseated instead. I shake my head before walking out. What happened to me? I know the answer, but that is a road I don't want to go down at the moment. I quickly change into my outfit before curling the ends and applying some make up to make me look at least somewhat alive.
When done, I walk out of my room and down the hall to knock on Noah's to make sure he is awake. I walk down to the kitchen where his mother is making breakfast. I thank her and sit at one of the stools around the island. We make small talk as she finishes breakfast and we wait for Noah to join us. He walks in looking handsome as always, especially for just waking up. He kisses both of our cheeks before taking a seat next to me.
We dig into breakfast when it is ready and I glance at the clock, seeing that it is time to leave. We get up and rush out the door, beginning our three block walk to the school. "How do you feel about skipping today?" I ask with humor in my voice although I am somewhat serious.
There is no doubt in my mind that the entire student body knows about what happened with my parents and that startles me. I don't want them to ask me questions or make fun of me. I want them to walk past me without a word like they did before and pretend that I don't exist. It is much easier that way. I don't want to be the center of attention, although I know I will be.
Noah takes my hand in his and squeezed it comfortingly. He must sense my unease. I flash him a smile but he rolls his eyes at me. "You know you don't have to pretend you're okay with me. Please don't."
I look at him and sigh. "I know and I'm not pretending. I'm trying to be." He nods and we continue to walk on in silence. I know he expects me to say something else but I don't know what else to say.
I look at our intertwined hands and feel my spine tingle. Something bad is going to happen and it's going to be my fault. I look away and focus my eyes on the sidewalk in front of me. "Are you mad?" I ask timidly. I don't know why he would be but it doesn't mean he isn't.
"No. I guess I'm just worried about you." I nod. It's what I expected.
"You don't have to be." I say automatically but even I laugh at that statement. My free hand goes to my face where the bruise is healing and I wince as I touch it. Even though it's healing it's still a bit sore.
I look. Back up and notice we're in front of the school. I release Noah's hand and stop in the middle of the street, not wanting to keep going. The car I stopped in front of honks at me and I jump. I look at the man driving as he yells profanities my way. Even he looks happier than I feel and he's yelling at me. I look away and my eyes make contact with Noah's as he pulls me out of the street and into his arms.
"It's alright. It's alright. It won't be so bad. It'll be just fine." I nod in response even though I know it won't be. We walk into the school and as soon as Noah opens the door for us, all eyes are on me. I choke down the nausea I suddenly feel before walking to my locker, grabbing my things. Noah follows me before asking me to come to the office with him to get his schedule. We have most of the same classes except for the first three. I bid him goodbye before walking to what I know is going to be hell.
I walk into my first period class and students immediately start whispering. I choose to ignore it. I take my normal seat as the teacher walks in. Her eyes meet mine and she sends a look of pity my way. I look away, not wanting her pity. A few wadded up pieces of paper hit my back and I make no move to pick them up off the floor. I put my headphones in my ears and read the lesson on my own. When finished I complete the assignment and turn it in before laying my head down. The bell rings soon after and I am relieved. This classroom was beginning to suffocate me.
As I rush to the door, my teacher's voice stops me in my tracks. "May I have a word with you dear?" Not wanting to start an argument, I nod before walking to her desk. "To put it bluntly, I'm worried about you, dear. The entire staff is. We want you to know that if you need anything we're here for you. We've discussed things and have decided to take it easy on you. You've been through a lot and deserve a break." I can't help but laugh. I know it's rude, but at this point I couldn't care less.
"Look, I appreciate that, believe me. But the last thing I need is to take things easy. I plan on making up the work from the days I missed and having it all in by the end of next week at the latest. So if you could provide me with that, it would be greatly appreciated. I need to work, I don't need to be pampered. I need this." I see a look of understanding cross her face and she nods.
"Of course." She walks over to the absent folder and pulls out all my work. I flash a smile at her and she nods. I take that as my cue to leave, making my way to the door.
"Don't forget that you can always come to me or one of the other teachers if you need to talk. We're here for you." I smile and thank her before walking out the door and to my second period. It goes the same way, but I manage to slide through the door before my teacher can ask me to stay.
I walk into my third period class and the whispering gets louder. I fight the urge to roll my eyes and walk over to my normal seat, only to find it taken. I look around and see an empty desk flipped over with a piece of paper with the word "freak" written in red marker on it.
I stop in my tracks and the teacher walks in behind me. "Please take a seat ma'am- oh my goodness. Who did this? This is unacceptable!" He hurries over to the desk, ripping off the paper and returning the desk to its normal position. It is placed in the middle of the classroom. Great. Mr. Smith goes to his desk and sits down with a huff. He sends me an apologetic smile and I shrug, unable to return one.
I focus my gaze at my fingers, wanting to be anywhere but here. Notes are once again thrown my way and this time I read them. "Freak" one says. Most of them are crumby insults but one catches my eye. "It's not hard to see why your parents didn't want you. No one is going to ever want you. Might as well do us all a favor and kill yourself."
Tears come to my eyes as I open another and see a doodle of a stick figure hanging from a ceiling fan. I choke down the tears and gather up the notes, throwing them at no one in particular before running out of the room.
I race to my locker, unlocking it and throwing my things inside. I read the notes taped to my locker. "Slut", "whore", "no one wants you here", "kill yourself", "go die", "fat piece of shit", "skank", "lowlife". I read through all of the insults and don't bother to hold back the tears. I hear Mr. Smith calling my name down the hallways but I take off, not wanting to be here anymore.
I run home, knowing Lindy will be at work and I will be alone. I need to be alone at this point. I immediately run up the stairs to my bathroom and grab my razor. I know I said I wouldn't but I can't do this. Promises are meant to be broken anyway right?
I slide the razor across my wrists over and over, breathing in the stinging feeling. It isn't enough. I press deeper, wanting the pain to overwhelm me. This is what I deserve, what I've deserved all along. I deserve to die. They were right. I don't deserve to live.
I press as deeply as I can and watch as the blood rolls down my wrists, pooling all around me. The bathroom door bursts open as my eyesight starts to get fuzzy. "I had a feeling..." He whispers as he rushes to my side, pulling me into his arms.
I feel his lips connect with my forehead as he picks me up and runs down the stairs. He runs down the sidewalk, never losing eye contact with me. "Alex please. I'm begging you baby, keep those beautiful eyes open." But despite his pleas, the thickness in my head grows and my eyelids fall as I am pulled into darkness.
***
This was day one of the bad things that were to come. And no matter what happened, I knew I loved him and I know he knew too. Unfortunately for both of us, he tried to save me, and in the process of trying, I pulled him under. In the end, he did end up saving me. I only wish I had been able to save him. Everything that happened was because of me and I swear I would take it back in a heartbeat.
***
So this is an author's note. If you listen to the song you'll see the chapter is based off of it. This chapter is basically a filler but an important one. This is going to lead up to later events. Sorry if it's really sad I wasn't in the best mood writing this. Thanks for reading.