𝐿𝒪𝒱𝐸 𝐼𝒮 𝒜 𝒢𝒜𝑀𝐸 {COMPLETED}

𝐿𝐼𝒜𝒢 - 𝒮𝐼𝒳

When heartache, it's inevitable (And unbearable)
But I'm no good at doing it well
Not that I care (I don't care)
Why should anything about it be fair?

As I sat here across from Solange as she read me behaviors that I do and not do, all of it is reactions from how I've been treated since I was a child and my divorce. Being told how you're viewed in another perspective sounds worse than I thought I was acting.

"Are you getting it?" She asked looking up at me and I just nodded my head.

Solange has been trying to help me, or give ideas, for healing. I can say some of it is working. This seems to be another lane my sister is good at. Give her anything and I promise you she'll turn it into something beautiful.

"Okay let's talk." My biggest fear. I hate talking. It's not even the talking itself, it's the feelings. Talking about my feelings or expressing it has always been unnecessary to me because am I really being heard? Or pretending to be heard? Makes sense to me.

"Talk about what?"

"The things you refuse to speak about.. like your childhood, divorce. You know, things like that. I feel like you are still holding on to a big weight from those and I don't want you to wait until you are fed up to say something."

"Uhm okay." I'm not used to opening about my feelings just yet so I'm a little uneasy about this.

When I tried to open up about my feelings they either got dismissed or I got told I was being dramatic and needed to tighten up. My emotions weren't going to get me far and if I expressed how I felt, I wouldn't last with a good paying job.

"How would you explain your first heartbreak? I assume you still have some sort of effect from it so I want to start there." She explains.

"Inevitable." I simply say. She just looks at me before signaling me to go on.

"I don't know solange. Our parents, I would say our parents were my first heartbreak." I state.

"The way they treated me differently from you. The lack of emotion they showed me, the pressure they put upon me. It was always
"Beyoncé suck it up"
"Beyoncé this is unacceptable"

"No Beyoncé you can't play with the other kids you have to study" things like that. It was never an I love you, or them just allowing me to be a kid and doing kid things. It was "you could've done better but we will accept it for now." The pressure they put on me, was never placed upon you and I envied you.

I envied you so badly, Solange. Everything you had or got, I wanted. It just wasn't fair.. but it never caused me to act malicious towards you because I knew it wasn't your fault, so instead, I sucked it up. I stopped complaining and did everything the wanted me to do because I wanted that validation from them, I just wanted them to be proud of me for once.

Out of everything I've done , step by step per their orders, I only heard I'm proud of you 3 times. And that was when I was valedictorian for high school, when I graduated med school and when I officially became a doctor with an executive position just how they wanted.

Out of all my years of living, I can only remember hearing those set of words three times. You can't tell me that's sad or crazy." I said, shaking my head.

"Solange I don't want to do this anymore." I said before she could fix the sentence that was about to come out of her mouth.

Now I was irritated. I hate talking about past situations because it's nothing filled with memories that make me sad and feel useless.

"Don't cry bey." Solange came over to dry my eyes. I didn't even realize I was crying.

"I don't even know why I'm crying. I certainly don't care anymore." I lied.

"Bey, it's okay to care about certain situations. No matter how long ago it was. It's okay to still be hurt by a past love, it's okay to cry.. I promise you it's okay. It's normal."

"It was all inevitable, the heartache. I'm not supposed to care but like, I'm not good at hiding that I don't. It just bothers me so much because, why me?" I looked my sister in her eyes.

"Why me? What have I done so bad to anybody that I deserved this kind of treatment, you know? I loved that man, I was so devoted to him, devoted to also making our parents happy but that wasn't enough."

"It has nothing to do with you. You were never the problem, it was always them. Unfortunately, some people have nasty traits, have a nasty character to them and can't help but to tear people down along with them because of their unhappiness or how they've been brought up. I just hate to see you like this any longer." She pulled me into her arms and I happily wrapped my arms around her.

The way Solange and I dynamic is, you would've thought she was the older sister. Yeah, I look out for her amongst other things but she just has that "older sibling" persona and traits to her. She's my big little sister and I love her and I'll never blame her for a thing.

"Can we just not talk about this anymore at all today.." i wiped my tears. I hate crying.. crying to me shows a sign of weakness and I hate feeling weak. Especially when I have this strong persona.

"Yeah.. I'm sorry," I looked at her confused.

"Sorry for not realizing and being so self-centered to not see what was going on with you."

"I told you it wasn't your fault."

"Yeah but the least I could've done was say something or speak on your behalf. You did it for me all the time. I feel bad for not doing the same." She explained to me.

"It's fine Solo, I swear. It's the past, let's just leave it at that please?" She nodded her head.

"Let's talk about some recipes we can gather for your new restaurant." I said trying to quickly change the subject and not talk about my feelings anymore.

I purchased Solange the building for her restaurant. Did I have to? No but I wanted to grant her that much. She really deserves it and she's always there for me in many ways so why not support her.

"I know what you're doing Giselle but I'll let it slide for now. I think I have mainly everything but Desserts. I want to do more than the classic Sweet Potato pie or apple pie." She said in a thinking manner.

I pulled my macbook out and began to document the sides, main courses, desserts, drinks, and whatever else she would be allowed in her restaurant.

Later on in the week we will be buying food and ingredients so we can test these things out and plenty more.

I love to grant my sister her dreams.
One of us has to do what we always wanted to do.

Since I didn't have the chance,
I just has to be her.
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Heyyy
She's trying and I love that for her