5'2 something at 17
but i've been acting older than my age for a long time
i put on something low cut
and i let my black hair hang in ringlets by the side of my face
i know i have pretty eyes
i know how to make use of them
to stare, to size up, to look away
it's thrilling
but at the end of the day, it's so draining
i'm at my happiest when i'm surrounded by my friends
wearing fuzzy sweaters and warm socks, curled into couches, mothers making coffee for us
that's when i am the happiest
the safest
at my most free
then why do i act like a honey trap?
why do i want to put myself up on show?
my mother called me a slut when i was 12
that was the first time
with a sigh, i suppose, she wasn't wrong
but i was still 12, and just because my blue dress rose above my knee - doesn't make it right
am i my own self fulfilling prophecy?
my dad tells me he knows what i get up to
i am defiant
and what?
he has nothing to say to me
they say a girl is a weapon
and they say a girl is a flower
so which one am i?
a poisonous flower? - one that looks pink
but kills you with red and black, or
am i just poison poison?
daddy didn't love me
that's my stupid sob story
i don't really talk about it anymore
what's there to say?
he apologized, i'm 17, get over it already!
but i don't know how to
how to
how to make it leave me
this disgusting need to be sexy
to emanate sex
to want sex
i don't want it! sometimes
i do
but why can't i want it like others do?
nicely, wholesomely, lovingly
i
have phases
and i am not completely myself in either one
why does skin taste like coins?
why can't i want good?
why can't i be good
why can't i
stop
just stop
put a hand up, shake my head
and say no
i don't really want to do this
i want to go home, watch reality TV with my sister, make tea for us, and call my friend and talk about homework
maybe i'm just scared of growing up
i used to dream i lost control of the car
that i keep going down a dirt road
forever
last month i fucked someone in a car
and afterwards he talked to me about the culture of his college
he has really white teeth
and a smile that makes my heart melt
but why was i bored then?
god knows,
fucked in the head
but at least i know how to look pretty
it doesn't matter much what you're thinking
as long as you look pretty
