writing about you
at 5 am
i have an exam in four hours
the newspaper boy just dropped the paper on my doorstep
it's cold in my house
and my feet curl up
hey, i miss you
i wish you knew that
you do, though, don't you?
you're smarter than you let on
and at night,
when you would ask me to sleep in the same bed as you,
putting on a farce of innocence,
you were still smarter than you let on
or during the day
when you would tug me into place with you, hold my hand,
and tell me i could rest my head on your shoulder if i wanted,
you were still smarter than you let on
such a smart mind! you always did so well in school. the age difference
between us -
almost 3 years
obviously you're smarter than you let on
how did it feel? to have a young girl be obsessed with you?
you knew, you knew
my friend who is also your friend told me
that you knew
how hard did i try to make you my lover?
didn't i?
did you think it was pathetic?
that i memorized your schedule,
came to see you
whenever you called for me,
never missed your calls,
let you fight my fights
and kiss my knuckles
do you think of it all still?
because i do
and i'd do it again, if i could
a million times over
the purest love of my life
that informs all my other love stories
i'd do it all over again
and i wouldn't change a thing
not the hurt, not the heartbreak
i want to feel every feeling
all over again
the pain, the panic
the shame, the sadness
i'll feel every feeling in the book
and only love will remain
the love i have for you,
always
only the love
(squeeze it out of me, beat it, bang it, bruise it)
only that will remain
