Dear Maria (on hold)

Part 5

I did my best to ignore Maria, though I cheated now and then. I had created such perfect memories of being around her that I didn't want to spoil it by pressing my luck and clinging to her. I knew I would only screw it up; that, or she'd end up being someone other than the lovely Maria I had come to love. It was inevitable. I threw myself into moving into my new house, cleaning it, buying such necessities as food, blankets, and some furniture.

I wandered the aisles of Target, not really knowing what I was looking for, just picking something up and plopping it into my cart if it caught my eye. I bought a plain white shower curtain, towels, standard tables and chairs, white blankets, plain furniture, nothing that had any personality, mine or anyone else's. This way, I wouldn't have any reminders about who I was or who I wasn't placed oh so conveniently around my new house. This way, no one could judge me for my décor because it wasn't mine. Had nothing to do with me. As I checked out, I felt numb. As I drove home, I felt numb. As I unloaded my car, I felt numb. As I hung my shower curtain, I felt numb. As I smelled the Chinese food and wine on my futons, I cried.

Whenever I saw Maria on the street I tended to look away, it was just too awkward for me. I mean, the first day I'd met her, she'd stayed the night, had seen me when I first woke up, we'd gotten kinda drunk together, we'd eaten Chinese food together, the most intimate of acts, and worst of all, we'd slept on the same futon. So I went to great lengths to avoid her, but she was rarely far from my thoughts, not least because I had no idea why. Why I'd done those things with her, why I couldn't get her out of my head. When she invited me to a casual barbeque/dinner party at her house, I politely declined, knowing I wouldn't be able to be that close to her for the duration of dinner, though I secretly wanted to go to her house. Instead, I watched from safely inside my house as the guests arrived, the smoky smell of barbeque permeating the air, beckoning me over to Maria's house, where there was laughter, food and friends. I stayed alone in my dark, quiet house, listening.