Dear Maria (on hold)

Part 12

We had left it unspoken, left it in the silence, but somehow we both knew. She told me with every look that passed between us, every sweet half-smile, every touch of her hand. Every kiss said, “I love you,” and every moment spent together said, “I'll stay.” Being with Maria was like nothing I'd ever experienced before. When I was around her, doubt was a thing of the past, and I knew that this time, this woman, was the farthest thing from ephemeral. She had taken my hand and pulled me into the land of the living, had shown me the sun.

I heard a knock on my door, and I quickly grabbed my keys and went to open my door. There stood Maria, as beautiful as ever, smiling. I smiled too, and joined her outside. Without speaking, we walked down the path that led from my door to the street, where I veered towards me car, my car keys jingling quietly, glinting brightly in the sun.

“Oh, you won't need that.” Maria said casually, motioning at my car. I raised my eyebrow questioningly, and she obligingly explained. “The local grocery store is more local than you might think; just a few blocks away. We can walk it.” I nodded, and jammed my keys into my back pocket.

“Cool, I had no idea it was so close! Let's go, then.” I replied, surprised, meeting Maria at the sidewalk. She slipped her hand into mine, and we began walking down the street side by side, hand in hand. I would never have been able to be seen holding another woman's hand anywhere remotely public before, before Maria. We traversed the road to the grocery store mostly in silence, though we would speak a few words here and there. It was the epitome of comfortable and content. Not to get overly cliché about it, but the sun was shining, the day was hot and young, and hummingbirds flitted from flower to flower, occasionally zooming past our heads.

When we arrived at the grocery store, we walked through the doors still hand in hand, cold air blowing refreshingly down onto us from above, swirling our hair around chaotically for a moment. Then we were inside, and Maria had snagged a shopping cart. We walked up and down the aisles, traveling in no particular order, putting whatever we needed into our cart, such as cereal, oranges, bagels, cheese, yogurt, and cherries. It was an uneventful activity, and gave us time to do something quiet and simple together, and it felt like a very “couply” thing to do.

We were in the produce section now, sorting through various types of peaches, apricots, and plums. On the other side of the the row of fruit stands stood a man and a woman, who both looked to be a few years older than Maria and I. The woman was tiny and slender, petite, especially next to the man, who had broad shoulders and very muscled arms. They were clearly a couple as well. Neither of them were focusing on the fruit that surrounded them, indeed, they seemed pretty oblivious to their surroundings at all. The man had his arms wrapped completely around his girlfriend, who was standing on tip-toe to kiss him, her arms stretched up to clasp daintily behind his neck. I wasn't entirely sure why I was looking at them for so long, I guess it just seemed so strange to me, that a couple would kiss in the middle of a grocery store. It just didn't feel like something I could ever do without causing me extreme unease. I glanced at Maria, and smiled indulgently, knowing that she would have no problem making out with another woman in the middle of a store, surrounded my numerous other patrons. It made me wonder... why was she interested in someone like me, someone who remained half in the closet, someone who couldn't kiss her in public with cringing, who couldn't even say “I love you” in a public area without flinching slightly and looking around, someone who couldn't be for her everything that she deserved. Maria deserved the world, and I couldn't even give her someone who wouldn't deny, to someone who asked, that we were dating. Immense guilt and sorrow overwhelmed me abruptly, so powerfully that I had to grip onto the handle of the shopping cart as hard as I could, my knuckles turning white. Maria must have been as attuned to me as I was of her, either that, or my face was really that easy to read, because she softly slid her hand over my hand, the one that was clamped onto the handle of the shopping cart.

“What's wrong, Holly?” she asked quietly, running her hand up my arm. I shifted my arm away from her, and felt immediately guilty when I saw a look of hurt flash across her face for an instant. She didn't give up on me though, and moved to stand directly in front of me. I looked down at the floor, reluctant to tell her what was really on my mind. Maria waited a couple minutes, but when I still didn't look up, she gently took my hand in hers, and tried again. “Talk to me, baby.” she pleaded, raising my hand to her lips and kissing it lightly. Her soft, familiar lips undid me, and I finally raised my eyes to meet hers. Her warm, green eyes held only concern and love as they gazed into mine, which only served to intensify my guilt.

“Maria... why are you doing this?” I asked agonizingly. She looked confused, and I felt awful for doing this to her.

“What do you mean?” she questioned, sounding more puzzled and vulnerable than I'd ever heard her.

“I mean... this. Me. What are doing here, with me? What could you possibly want with someone like me, what could you ever get out of it? You deserve so much more Maria, someone who can kiss you in public without stopping to check who's watching.” I replied. Maria's eyes flickered to the couple in front of us, who were still kissing, and I saw that she understood. Here comes the goodbye, I thought painfully.

“Holly... I'm here with you because I want to be. I've dated those women that seem perfect, worse, I've dated those women who think that they're perfect. But I could never just go shopping with them, or sit in silence with them, or confess my most private secrets to them, or laugh with them so hard that it hurts and I can't breathe, or have them hold my while I cried.” she started, her eyes burning with emotion. Then her expression softened, and she continued. “I love you, Holly, and I want to fall asleep next to you. No one has ever made me happier, or known me as well. I want you to teach me how to make diner without doing any actual cooking, and watch you do your Pilates and skip the hard parts. Do you honestly think that it really matters to me how comfortable you are with PDA yet, yet because we can work on it, together! Who decides what people deserve, anyway? Love isn't just, isn't reserved for those who have been good little girls and boys. I'm here with you, and only you, and that's because I love you. I don't want it any other way, and I can't imagine tomorrow without seeing your face. I see it in your eyes, Holly. Nothing ever lasts for you, and I maybe nothing but time can convince you that I'm not going anywhere, not without you at least, but that's not gonna keep me from trying.” Maria finished, her voice both tender and vehement. I just looked at her in wonder. I couldn't wrap my mind around it; all the love in her eyes was for me, here was the most wonderful woman in the world, saying that she'd rather have me than anyone else, fighting for me. She really did love me. My body, which had remained taught throughout her speech, relaxed at last.

“I love you too, Maria.” I told her quietly, and I meant it more than anything in my life. Not even my wedding vows carried as much promise, let alone love, as those five simple words did. Maria smiled, her eyes still smoldering intensely. I smiled back into her eyes, and I moved closer to her, my hand (the one she wasn't already holding) rising to rest on her waist. Maria slowly closed the distance between us, her eyes gauging my reaction so as to not cause me any discomfort. Her concern, as considerate and kind as it was, was completely unnecessary. I didn't stop her as she leaned in to kiss me, instead, I pulled her closer, my hand gripping the back of her neck. As we pulled apart, numerous moments later, I saw a fourteen year old girl looking at us, an adoring smile upon her lips. I smiled, and took Maria's hand securely in my own as we continued shopping.