Fatal Attraction.

10

I feel myself changing, I don't even laugh the same anymore, I don't smile the same, or talk the same, I'm just tired of everything.

I honestly don't know what's wrong with me. Rashad and I argue almost everyday, thinking has become difficult and everything just makes me so fed up.

I huff frustratedly throwing my novel by the side. Reading has always been my go to but somehow reading has become so hard. I keep reading the same page over and over either because my mind drifts elsewhere or I forget what I was reading.

Rashad comes in standing next to me "I'm going out"
I scoff in response.
"What?" He asks.

I turn around, my back facing him as I stared at the window.
"Ruqayyah?"

I ignore him completely.
"Ruqayyah?"
I groan "You can do whatever the hell you want, I don't really care. If you like don't come back, I really don't mind".

He huffs "What's wrong with you?"
I just stare at him.
"I'm getting fed up. All you do is look at me and barely say anything. You're always either looking sad or angry and you don't complain about anything, what's with you?"

I sit up resting my head on the headboard staring up at him "What do you want from me?" I question fed up with his complain.

He sighs sitting on the bed next to me "You were never like this, you still smiled and you didn't get angry"
I force a smile "Is this what you like seeing? I never realized this but you're really a very selfish man Rashad"

He raises his eyebrows questionably.
"Would you kindly elaborate?" He asks annoyed.

"You're always either sulking or angry and I try to be the good wife who always wants to make her husband feel better even though I'm not appreciated for it and is often being yelled and blamed at but I still smile anyway. I'm human too, I get angry, sad, exhausted but since I've been married to you I've been anything but happy and I still smile but now I'm tired of it so I don't care what your mood is, I'm done faking anything I don't feel"

This time he's the one doing the staring.
It continues for at least three minutes but it wasn't awkward, I just stared right back at him.

"Wasn't this what you wanted? Wasn't that why you forced yourself on me?"

I burst out laughing sarcastically "Really? Is that what you tell yourself?"
"It is what happened"

"I never forced you to agree to be my friend. I never forced you to date me. I never forced you to send your relatives infact you suggested that and I never forced you to the mosque so dear husband it's all on you"
"You went through depression when I rejected you"

I tilt my head looking at him like he was crazy "Depression? And who fed you that lie?"

He looked confused.
"Yes I was sad but I wasn't depressed. I think after my last failed relationship a single rejection would have gotten me depressed but I'll admit I was heartbroken and sad but it's normal, that was why I was so surprised when you changed your mind but I thought you were probably just playing hard to get, men do it nowadays anyway—" I stare at him deeply "Was that why you've been behaving so terribly? Like an abandoned child? Because I forced myself on you?"

I scoff "Please don't flatter yourself. I tried my best to make it work but it seems you don't and I'm really not one to force myself on anyone. I'm sorry if you felt that way but can you please leave me now? I'm exhausted, my baby wants to sleep"

I turn back around and close my eyes.
He gets up and walks out closing the door behind him.

Okay I might have exaggerated my lack of feelings for him but I really didn't know where he got the idea that I was depressed.

::

Rashad's POV.

So Ruqayyah and I are going to see her gynecologist. Her attitude has been getting a little too much to handle, I'm afraid she might be going through depression.

I can't help but worry about how much she's changed, she doesn't like talking or seeing anyone, not even her parents. At first I thought she just wanted a bit of space but it's getting worse and alarming.

She sits next to me in the doctor's office.
She looked really bored and tired too.

The doctor walks in and sits across us.
"Mr and Mrs Abdulrasheed, it's good to see you"
I nod "You as well"

He smiles "I hope all is well, you've had your usual check up or is some thing wrong?"
I huff "Well—doctor I'm worried about my wife. She's been acting so differently"

He looks at Ruqayyah and then back at me.
"How so?"
"She doesn't eat much. She's always either angry or sad. She barely talks. She doesn't enjoy doing anything even the things she loved doing. And it's like she can't concentrate at all, her mind is all over the place"

He takes a deep breath "When did it start?"
"About a month ago"

He nods "I think your wife is going through depression. Which is actually very normal because throughout pregnancy, the body changes a lot. The stresses of these changes can cause you to experience depression during pregnancy. These changes often impact the way you feel about yourself and the world. We need to treat it to avoid the high risk of postpartum pregnancy".

I cover my mouth with my hand frustratedly as I used the other to hold her hand. She looks at me almost at the brink of tears.

"What can we do about it? How do we avoid it?" I enquire.
"Well—to avoid it you need to curb anything that might cause it. It's often cause by being alone, having limited social support and experiencing marital conflict"

To this I stay quiet.
Could I have led her to depression even as she's pregnant.

"It could also be because she's feeling ambivalent about the pregnancy"
I turn and look at her worriedly "Do you not want to have my baby? Do you not want this child?"

She shakes her head abruptly "No, no I want this. It's all I ever wanted, I want this baby"
"Or you just don't want to have the baby with me?"

I really wanted to know if I was the issue here.
She holds my hand tighter "I'd like no one else"

Dr Ademola smiles "It's not necessarily that, it could be because she feels lonely or isn't receiving as much support"
If that's the case then I think I might have had something to do with that.

"Well—that something you can discuss deeper together but you two need to focus on this issue because depression interferes with your ability to bond with your growing baby. Because I'm sure as you know the fetus in your uterus can actually hear you talk and can sense emotion by the pitch, rhythm and stress in your voice. Eventually you might find it difficult to bond with your baby"

She gasps "We'll do anything doctor"

He smiles "It will be okay. Just try to spend as much time as you can with each other—" he turns to me "If you can get someone to stay with her even when you're not around, that would be nice"

I nod "I will but doctor she's always sleeping and yet she always looks tired, she's looking skinnier too"
He turns to her and huffs "Ruqayyah have you been sleeping?"

She looks at me before reluctant answering him "No, not really"
I was confused "She often excuses herself to sleep or sometimes even falls asleep while mid conversation "

She shakes her head "I pretend like I am"
"So you lie down for hours just to avoid talking to me?"

She stays quiet.
"Don't worry we'll sort everything out before you leave today, okay?"

I nod frustratedly.

::