The Scribblings of Shane Coronado

Nothing Censored Or Fake

I'm done and I'm so tired of being there for everyone else at this point. I'm feeling neglected, and the little attention I do get paid is negative or never applied where it would do the most good. I'm sick of being and doing for everyone else, for what's expected of me, I'm sick of neglecting myself. The worst part of it is there is no one I can talk to, I've even lost my damn diary so I've been keeping this inside for the longest. I don't want to cut everyone off because that's not who I am and I don't want others to feel how I'm feeling, but I can't keep treating myself like this. It may come off as bitchy but, at this point, I really couldn't care any less; everyone is expecting me to be this big, grown up person because I turn 18 next month... I'm just a child, it's dumb to be put forth as an adult when my whole life I've been living for everyone else and now because I'm 18 I'm supposed to know how to take care of myself.

I don't need bubbles of support that come up when you suddenly remember that I'm my own fucking human being. I need 100%, all the time support and if all you're gonna be is the first one then you can keep it because I know you're not for real and I know that when stuff really gets hard that you're not gonna be the support for me to lean on. But most of all, I'm tired of believing others' opinions and making excuses for myself. I know that I need to get myself together, but I feel almost as if I need all hell to break loose to finally get myself into that mindset and I don't know how to break out of it. I know that I'm not the only person with problems, but I feel that in order for this to work I need to be; I'm tired of pretending to be happy just to go around and listen to other people complain about their problems.

And this is as much of a suicide note as it is an apology letter, so you can put away the sympathetic phone calls and 'are you okay' texts, because the truth of the matter is that I'm not okay, and that's okay because I'll still be here to experience every bit of pain and neglect and confusion that this world can throw at me... At times I feel like raging, just saying 'fuck it' to all that's expected of me; but I can't because I care too much about how that will be reflected at me through the ones that I love, that the only thing I could do would be something so horrid that they'd completely forget about the me that was and focus on getting rid of the me that is. But I'm not her, I can't not care at all because I care too much, my entire being runs off of being useful to those around me. Now I'm at the crossroad where not taking care of me obstructs the path that everyone expects and I don't know what to do.