Act Two

XXIV

Mentions of anxiety and self-destruction are present in this chapter. Read at your own risk.

I'm in love with you.

The words were stuck on loop like a broken record in her head. His voice hasn't left her mind after all those hours since his departure. The rest of the day went by in a blur, unable to comprehend anything going on in the world around her. What made him say it? Did he feel the need to tell her only for her sake? Was he insecure about her sudden absence? What was his reason? Lilia doesn't know how to process the information, shoving it to the back of her mind because she refuses to believe anyone could have such feelings for her. It simply cannot be true. No one can love Lilia. More importantly: can Lilia love someone back?

Will she respond simply because he said it first and she doesn't want him to feel bad? Or does she even feel the same way? It's too much for her naive self to form an answer. Why do feelings have to be so confusing? She only knows love for inanimate things, never another living being. She hasn't said "I love you" to anyone, other than her sister and nephew, in years. Is she ready for that? The young woman cannot decide on a path yet. Which hurts less: sucking it up and saying it back anyway even if she's still unsure or not saying it back at all?

Yakov is experienced when it comes to being in a relationship. However, Lilia is a newbie when it comes to dating outside of school. She may be unsure of what to do or how she feels, but one thing is for certain, she does not want to lose him. He's been the one good thing in her present life, that she would hate herself more for screwing it up if she makes the wrong move. She hates to sound selfish but it would almost be nice if all of this were just a dream. That he never declared his deep feelings for her and she still had time to sort out her own. Now, the pressure is on.

Lilia is dreading his phone call once he makes it home. What will they talk about? What is there to say? Will he pretend he never said it? Or will he even call? The doubts are just as strong as they were before she made it on stage. Hell, the doubts never left her. They followed her to the E.R. and still linger around the corner, waiting for their cue to step out on the stage.

She's avoided Larisa all day, knowing the elder sister would notice her distant behavior. One of the last things Lilia wants to do is tell her sister what happened, considering she already had her reservations. This would only make her reject Yakov completely. If she were like their mother, she would be on board, ready to marry off Lilia to the first person that showed an interest in her.

The more she thinks about it, the more panic surges through her dehydrated veins. So, she will do what she always does: bottle her feelings. Lilia has always chewed on her cheek, never allowing herself to bother others with her problems. She feels like she has no one. Even though she has Larisa, she hates to burden her sister with such nonsense, no matter the problem. She hates being so juvenile, so she tries to act tough and unbothered to feel like an adult, when really, it's harming her and she knows it. She would just never admit it. Masking it is easier.

The thought of conversing emotions triggers her gag reflex, never being the kind to open up. Or was she molded that way? She was simply a product of her environment. The young Lilia was more reckless and carefree, but now, she's cautious, calculating her next step, hesitant, timid, afraid. Of course, she would never admit that either. The last thing a ballerina needs to be is afraid. Lilia won't ever let herself slip back into old ways. She must be strong, tough, confident, and bitter to get what she wants.

A bitter, better life.

The cold exterior cracked the dam of her skin until it flooded inside, leaving nothing but a bottomless pit of buried insecurity. She is now just a shell, protecting those feelings she could not care less for. The thing is, she would do anything to not revisit those old thoughts. However, a particular stranger found his way into damaging the barrier she had created herself. The cracks gradually grow larger the more they are together. Something she never thought could happen, even against her own will. Recognizing moments where her guard is down feels out-of-body, a feeling she thought she was incapable of. No one was able, yet this man had the courage.