All By Design: A Nikolai Lantsov Series

Chapter Six: one day i'll watch as you're leaving

this chapter's song: anti-hero

You don't know what you expected. Surprise surprise, the deadline came and now you have to live with the consequences. It's not as if Nikolai could have done anything differently, that is, if he even wanted to. Some days you can't tell. You used to think you knew him like the back of your hand, but after this, it's impossible to stop getting stuck in your own head.

Maybe Nikolai doesn't like you in the slightest, have you thought of that? You used to be able to see through his acts so cleverly, but maybe those were only the ones he let you witness. There must be some reason that Nikolai Lantsov has been unreadable by everyone in the world. Surely the fact that you knew more about him than anyone else had to have been yet another one of his facades.

After all, if it weren't an act and you genuinely broke through to him, what will become of you now? You're a jilted ex-lover of a relationship that was never real. What claim do you have to Nikolai other than that of anyone else in the celebrity world, that you got to entertain him during your time in the limelight? It's over now, it's not as if anything has lingered enough for you to break past your doubts.

That's what's getting you in the end, his absence. You knew that you and Nikolai would be unable to see each other in public, but you had hoped for something, some sign that what you had was real. Without him by your side to confirm it, you're left spiraling in this endless labyrinth of disbelief. Maybe none of it was real. Maybe Nikolai never felt a thing for you and just wanted to see how badly he could break you.

If that was his goal, you can say wholeheartedly that it worked. You have been operating with your blinders on for quite some time now, steadfastly refusing to let yourself feel a thing. You've gotten good at it, too. The amount of people who would give up their lives to make you smile grows by the day, and the amount of people you actually love back is nonexistent.

Or, it had been nonexistent until you met Nikolai. You can admit it now, once it's over: you love him. You could have said something about it while the two of you were still together, but time flew by and he was leaving before you knew it.

You can still picture him on that final day. He'd gotten in late by normal standards, although you think he hurried to the apartment on purpose to get in every last minute with you. His clothes were rumpled from fording the throngs of paparazzi waiting for the two of you to tear each other apart, but when he held you, he was all comfort, all peace.

If you close your eyes, you can still feel his breath hot on your cheek, still hear the echo of his heart through your chest. It had been hammering against his ribs when he said goodbye, the beat growing faster and faster as the time drew closer to your farewell. Some part of you still harbored an impossible hope that he'd find a way to keep the two of you together even after the ruse ended. Nikolai is a damned mastermind, his scripts flawless, his lies perfect. If anyone could do it, it would be him.

He must not have cared, then, because Nikolai Lantsov always gets what he wants. If he had wanted you, you would be there with him. Simple as that. You suppose it's not fair to assign him so much power in your mind, but without him here, the only place he can possibly exist is within the depths of your dreams. At least there you can still give him everything. At least there he is still yours.

The rest of the world has accepted that the two of you are done for good, even if you can't. The news went berserk over the news. Everyone swore up and down that there had never been a couple like you and Nikolai. You agree with the reporters for once. He had been the only person to make you feel something, and he had completely broken you by leaving you.

They don't hate him for it, though, and neither do you. It was common knowledge that the relationship would end at some point, even for those in the world who didn't know it was fake. The two of you were shooting stars up there in the endless darkness. Even though it was bright, brilliant, and wholly more beautiful than you have ever deserved, you would burn out at some point. This life was not meant for good things to last, and that includes your chances at love.