All By Design: A Nikolai Lantsov Series

Chapter Eight: swear that it was something

this chapter's song:  question... ?

After everything you've been through, you didn't expect to get caught by a simple rose. You swore to yourself that you were over Nikolai Lantsov for real when you started writing this latest album (as if, but you do love a good delusion), yet all it takes is one glimpse of him about a month later and you're back to square one.

Part of it is your fault. You knew that he was going to be attending his friend's show but you performed there anyway. You can excuse it away by claiming that you were asked to be there by the DJ, but everyone knows you could have backed out if you so desired.

You didn't want to back out of the show, though. You wanted to see him. Specifically, you wanted him to see you and know that you were doing better than ever. He should have looked at you and missed everything the two of you pretended to have. Then, he would have gone home with Alina, and you would be content in the knowledge that you finally showed him up.

Instead, he let Alina go early and raced to your door. You weren't expecting that. He could probably tell, too— you've never been at such a loss for words, not in public. It's just, well, opening up the door to your backstage dressing room and seeing him there, so close to you after everything that happened, could ruin anyone's carefully laid composure.

It certainly ruined yours. He was the exact same man you've always loved, just as witty, just as charming. In turn, were you anything he could recognize? Judging by the hasty retreat he took, you're not sure. Part of that is your fault, you were so unprepared to see him that you lost control.

All this time, you've been talking about how if Nikolai were to just see you, he'd come to his senses. Looks like the opposite is true— Nikolai is still just as much Nik as ever, but you're the one who's stuck in the past.

You did have one brief moment of victory, though. You saw Nikolai's face when you went out on that stage. Nikolai looked like he had seen a ghost. No, better. He looked like he'd seen a memory incarnate, the physical embodiment of every good thing the two of you had ever had together.

For a moment there, the entire world had melted away. Technically, you were still performing as a part of someone else's show, and Nikolai had a girl on his arm who wasn't you, but for one brief instant you could think of nothing but him. An invisible string connected the two of you, looped around your eyes and threaded directly through your heart. He stared up at you and you felt more beautiful and powerful and good, damned good, than you have in quite some time.

He kept looking at you like that even after you broke eye contact. You could feel the weight of his attention on your skin just like the days of old. His perception of you is an old friend, one you used to keep around all the time. It is no trouble at all to welcome it back into your home now.

You even winked at Nikolai, you think, about halfway through the show. You couldn't resist. Up there, you had all the control. It was fun to play. Of course, the tides were surely turned when Nikolai knocked on your door, but it was good while it lasted.

Now you're alone in your apartment, staring at his roses, wondering why after everything Nikolai would break the unspoken rule and approach you again. You think he half expected you to throw out the flowers once he turned his back. Maybe that's why he left so quickly, so he wouldn't have to see you do it.

You don't have it within you to get rid of any scrap of Nikolai, though, so the roses stay. You rushed them home to get them in a vase before they could start wilting. They'll rot soon, of course, everything does, but in between that end date and now you'll have something good.

They're haunting you now, flickering in a brief spot of red in the corner of your vision. Maybe you should have confirmed Nikolai's worst fears and thrown them out. At least then you could focus on trying to plan out the next steps in promoting your album without that last vestige of him taking up space in your subconscious. At least then you wouldn't be wondering whether your greatest dream might be true. It is impossible to let go of the questions you would ask if you could only see him again.