Of Regrets And Second Chances

3.Of Hard Decisions And Words Unspoken

Lexa was in her tent, sitting pensive on her rack. On a mat Madi was playing with her wooden toys, a horse and a soldier. Lexa sighed. She wished Clarke would have been there, with them, safe and sound. She was worried, very worried. When they had found all those dead soldiers near Camp Jaha, Lexa had felt like the world around her was going into pieces. All they wanted was to show Skaikru that Nia was dead and that Azgeda was no longer a threat. They had even decided to bring Madi with them, so she could have met Clarke's mom and friends. They would have never imagined that what seemed a beautiful day would have turned out to be such a nightmare instead. Lexa sighed. Her ambassadors wanted to attack Camp Jaha, but she wasn't so sure that was the right idea. First of all, Skaikru were Clarke's people and she didn't want the blonde to suffer or, worse, hate her again. Moreover, there was Madi now. Lexa was slowly realizing how that child was a daughter for her. And no mother wants their children to know the horrors of war. She shook her head. The mere idea of Madi perceiving her as her mom terrified her. Not that she didn't want to, quite the contrary instead. However, she was scared of what that could lead to. Madi would have been constantly in danger, a target that everyone of her enemies would have tried to kidnap or hurt. All she wanted was Madi to be safe and sound, nothing else. Beside Clarke there with her, of course.

"Heda, em komba raun." a guard suddenly announced, entering the tent. Lexa nodded and took Madi between her arms. She felt nothing but relief, but at the same time knowing that she couldn't show it was so painful. She had to act tough though, she couldn't look weak. Not even for Clarke.

"Okay sweetheart, I have to go. Nyko will stay with you, okay?". Madi shook her head in no, her eyes full of terror.

"No!" she shouted. Lexa widened her eyes, not expecting such a reaction.

"Madi, I will be back soon." she tried to reassure her, but the child clung to her shirt, desperately.

"No! Nomon, ste hir!". Lexa froze. Nomon, mother. Madi had called her mother. She sweetly glanced at the toddler. Her cheeks were wet because of tears and she was all curled up against her chest, her thumb in her mouth. She kissed her head and cradled her, with all the affection she was capable of.

"I'm not leaving, Madi. I will be back soon, I swear."

"Ai sis said em setaim." the child muttered and Lexa felt her own heart clench in her chest. She wanted to say something just to reassure her, but she couldn't. How can you explain death to a child? How can you wash grief away from a toddler?

"I love you." she just told her, finally. And she felt weak as never before.

________________

When Lexa entered Indra's tent, Clarke was already there, waiting for her. The Grounder had never been so happy to see her. She had feared so much for her safety. She wondered if Clarke knew how much she cared for her. She wondered if she knew how much she meant for her.

"Where's Octavia?" Indra asked, bringing her back to reality.

"She's watching over camp." Clarke answered. Lexa looked at her. Her gaze was so strange, full of a mix between concern, sadness and anxiety. Lexa would have wanted to hug her and whispered to her that everything would have been fine, but she couldn't. It wasn't the place, nor the time.

"So, tell us, Clarke. How does this end? Have you come up with a way to save your people yet again?" she asked instead, her voice way more harsh than she really meant to.

"No." Clarke said, a bit annoyed by the way Lexa was talking to her. "Only you can do that." Lexa's heart skipped a bit. What happened here was an act of war. Your army was here to help us and my people slaughtered them. You have every right to respond. Every right to wipe us out. Or you can change the way you do things."