Of Regrets And Second Chances

4.Of Nightmares And Reality

Clarke had never seen Lexa taking a nap. It had been a stressful day, with Madi throwing a tantrum the whole morning for unknown reasons, a boring meeting with all the ambassadors, an argument with Titus, who kept asking for a war against Skaikru, and a terribly long lunch with the members of some of the most important Grounders' families. When she had asked her to join her in her room because she needed to spend some time with a friend, the blonde had immediately accepted, even if she wasn't so sure friendship was the correct word to describe their relationship. And so they were there now, Lexa resting on her couch with a book between her hands and Clarke drawing her, as she wanted to crystallize that moment and secure it, forever. They had left Madi with Aden, to allow the brunette to take some time for herself. She and Clarke had chatted a bit about the novel she had just started and then she had fallen asleep, almost inadvertently. The brunette loved reading and her room was full of books. Some of them were very old and rare and she was able to spend a lot of money for a volume she wanted. The book she was reading before falling asleep, Lord of the Flies, was quite unknown to Clarke. Lexa had explained her the plot, but the blonde wasn't so sure she would have liked it. Truth was that Clarke wasn't such a great reader, at all. Books on the Ark were quite a rarity and even if kids were taught literature, there was almost no chance for them to really read what they were learning. Clarke shook her head. She didn't want to think about the Ark and the way she studied there. She didn't want to think about Pike. That man had always terrified her. He had always been so despotic, so abusive. She closed her eyes and took a deep breath. When she opened them, she focused on Lexa, who was now softly snoring, her book still between her hands. Clarke smiled at that sight. She looked exhausted. Being the Heda and having to take care of a two years and a half toddler at the same time should have been draining. Madi was a good child, but she was very lively. Moreover, she had started having nightmares again and of course Lexa had been forced to stay up all night trying to calm her down. Madi was important to her and she would have done anything for that little girl, but she was more and more tired, it was so clear. Clarke tried to help her as much as she could though and she was slowly realizing how much they were bonding. Madi and Lexa meant the world to her, that was the truth. She thought back to the day Lexa had kissed her in that tent. She had rejected her, claiming she wasn't ready to be with anyone. She wished she would have been braver than that. She wished she would have chosen to be happy, for once. A sudden moan caught her attention and she raised her gaze. Suddenly, Lexa woke up, her eyes snapping open in terror. She struggled breathing and kept looking around panicking, as she couldn't even recognize her own room.

"Hey, hey." Clarke whispered to her, immediately dropping her drawing and approaching her, to calm her down. It's okay. You're okay.". Lexa sensed the blonde's hand laying on her leg, gentle. She tried to collect herself but she couldn't stop panting. She hid her head between her hands, not daring turning to Clarke. She felt ashamed. She was the Heda, she wasn't supposed to show weakness, not even to someone like Clarke.

"What were you dreaming about?" the blonde asked her, her voice so warm, so reassuring, so familiar.  Lexa didn't know if she really wanted to tell Clarke. She didn't want to scare her. She didn't want to lose her.

"The Commanders before me, they speak to me in my sleep." she said, finally. "I saw their deaths at war, at the hands of an assassin."

"It was just a nightmare."

"No." Lexa replied, her eyes staring at the wall. "No, it's a warning.". Clarke softened her gaze and gently caressed her leg, in order to soothe her. She had never seen Lexa in such a state, she looked full of anguish, panic, anxiety.

"They think I'm betraying their legacy." the brunette explained. "Jus drein jus daun has always, always been the way of our people.". Clarke softened her gaze and looked at her, her eyes full of sadness for those words and affection. Lexa finally turned at her, not really knowing what to expect. However, when her green irises met Clarke's, she breathed in relief. The blonde tenderly smiled at her, her hand still on her leg.