Ad Meliora | A S.Snape Fix-It ✓

02

When he had seen the greasy haired, hook-nosed boy make his way towards Dumbledore’s office, his countenance screaming worry and restlessness, he had needed no more motivation to follow him. He had felt compelled to do so because somehow, he just had to know what had reduced the Slytherin to such a state! He just had to know why he was going to Dumbledore’s office! All he had needed was a silencing charm as he was already under his cloak and with that performed, he had followed the Slytherin inside. But nothing, absolutely nothing had prepared him for the revelations he was about to be exposed to! And so, as he exited Dumbledore’s office behind Severus, his emotions and feelings were chaotic, his soul completely overwhelmed!

Sometimes, all it takes is one moment of unraveling and this has been his - the night and its revelations!His arms wrapped around his knees as he pulled them towards his chest. A self-loathing unlike any other filled him even as a startling realization gripped his being - his belief in his righteousness and his deeds being heroic had been nothing but blinders over his own true nature! He was by heart a monster who relished the torment of another, who basked in the power that another’s desperation and vulnerability offered yet who believed himself to be noble and righteous! 

Tears poured down his eyes as the true implications of his deeds played before his eyes in the form of those memories he had seen just a few moments back. That he had destroyed one person's entire life without a hint of remorse or regret appalled him as did lower his esteem in his own eyes. Just how had he led a lifetime like that? How had he not realized his own cruelty? How had he basked in pride at his righteousness without feeling one ounce of this crippling guilt and regret he felt now? Would he have continued on like what he had seen and gauged of his counterpart if he hadn't witnessed these memories? His body shuddered with silent tears - tears of revulsion, of guilt, of self loathing, of agony, of regret and so much more!

"I'm…..I'm so sorry Severus! I'm so sorry" he whispered brokenly, his mind flashing with flashes of the hard life the man who had been tormented by him yet who had fallen for him, had led! How Severus could spare even one drop of love for a monster like him let alone lead an entire lifetime harboring that love and carrying it beyond as well, he dint know! That Severus had taken another chance at life only to once again dedicate it to protecting him and Lily and not spare himself a single thought deepened his shame as he recalled himself believing the Slytherin to be a monster incarnate! 

His heart twisted in its chest and he felt himself falling apart as he sobbed his heart out. Just how had Severus led one lifetime with these feelings driving him, without breaking down? His magic rattled, turbulent as his own being, battling this internal storm of swiveling feelings. His conscience felt split into two as one part tried to control his magic and the other wailed with his broken self. 

It was dawn but the sun had set in his eyes as the revelations of the previous night had brought about an apocalypse to his world and he could feel the tenebrosity it had brought with it envelope his soul! 

_

An entire lifetime of memories had been explored over the course of one night and he had witnessed and felt those accursed moments all over again! His young body felt drained with the endeavor and his heart thudded with the familiar ache. 

"James…" he whispered, one name that had been his damnation and salvation all in one! The name that his heart echoed every time he felt despaired. He knew he had been damned from the moment his heart had decided to beat for his major tormentor but this love that was pain, atrocity and disappointment also was liberation. His love eased across the uneven contours of his parched heart and soothed his being with its elixir. Pain had been a part of his life for longer than he could remember hence he clung onto that love, that reprieve, that balm, all despite the pain.