Inhumanity

Chapter 17

*Warning mentions of violence and sexual violence (nothing actually described but just be careful)*

I needed time out of the engine, three days since Mel jumped train and set off to find us a new Eden. Javi and Ben think that I'm seeing Layton right now, I just want to find a quite space to catch up with my brain. I used to have that living away from the engine. At first when I was given a space to call my own I was suspicious that I was being pushed away but I grew to enjoy the silence. The tearoom is usually quite and people are just there for themselves so they don't take any notice of anyone else. I've been sat in front of the teacup for an hour so far just staring off into space. There's a slight rattle as the vibrations from the engine let the china clink ever so slightly. Most people don't notice the noise but I like to focus on it, it keeps me centred. I trace my fingertips along the cover of my bible, clutched in my hands tightly. I take a deep breath and let it out slowly before standing up, can't keep waiting forever, like Mel said it's time to work and build something that worth all that we lost. I glance over at the shrine, made to commemorate all the people lost over the years, the familiar feeling of guilt washes over me. It overwhelms me and my breaths grow quicker, my stomach churns uncomfortably. I close my eyes and take a deep breath in and then release it slowly "Good Morning"

My eyes snap open "P-pastor Logan?" The man I've spent so many hours with over the last few years smiles warmly like he always used to "it's good to see you here again. I was worried after not seeing you for so long" he explains. I nod and quickly recompose myself "I apologise, just... things have been a little crazy recently". He shakes his head "no need to apologise" he indicates to my bible "though I do hope to see more of you now that there's no civil war. I've missed our discussions". I laugh nervously "thought you'd never want to speak to me again, god and machine kinda on opposing sides of... oil and water" I bite the inside of my cheek and cringe at how inexplicably awkward I am being. He shakes his head quickly "no, I'm not opposed at all. If anything you are just another fascinating part of God's creation, science and god can work hand in hand, in fact usually they do". I shrug "I guess you can make that argument"

I notice him still staring at the bible clutched in my hands "when I was first given it, I was so fascinated by the stories and teachings in its pages. I wanted to meet humanity and merge with them" I glance to the wall of pictures, a memorial to all who didn't survive the fight for a ticket onto snowpeircer. Pastor Logan frowns "and now?" He inquires sounding curious to hear the ending of that line of thinking. I sigh "I don't know anymore... I'm not as naive as I used to be but I hope I'm not cold and distant." He nods and fixes his gaze to mine "you still have that fire and warmth I saw in you when we first met"

I glance to the door feeling uncomfortable with his unblinking eyes that seem to study me like an insect under a eyeglass "I've got somewhere I need to be" I state suddenly. He nods slowly "of course you do, don't we all". I go to leave but pause in front of the Wilford shine "do people still-?" I point to the newly arranged flowers. He comes over "almost on a daily basis". I tilt my head and stare at a drawing of my father, I suppose from a distance he seems warm and understanding. It's only from close up you can see a snakes true colours. I shiver "suppose I've proved another point of the god complex some people have of him" I mumble mainly to myself but pastor Logan catches the words "is that something you feel bad about" he asks not breaking his gaze from the shrine. I shake my head silently, when it comes to Wilford I have nothing to feel guilty about. I quickly exit the room "please don't be a stranger" pastor Logan calls out, I don't respond, I just set off towards the night car. A drink and a chat with Audrey is something that is much needed.

I find the nightcar in a state of getting ready for a big night, I swallow thickly as I try to ignore the hustle and bustle "Is Audrey around" I ask a man from hospitality. He nods "she's backstage" he hurries away. Backstage stinks of weed "seriously?" I cross my arms at Audrey who's sat at the mirror puffing away on a pipe "Wilford's coming up-train tonight, I think I have the right to take the edge off with a little weed" she says sharply. Her face softens as I drop onto the sofa, playing with my hands nervously "you don't know?" She sounds taken aback. I shake my head, I lean back into the plump material closing my eyes and wishing I could disappear into the cushioned fabric and live happily there unbothered by the looming threat of Wilford. "You look like you need a puff or two" Audrey holds the pipe out offering me a chance to take a few inhalation's of the thick smoke. I swallow thickly "I wish I could but that Avenue of pleasure was cordoned off years ago" I clench my hands into fists, hold them tightly for a few seconds and then relax them. Just keep breathing, survive, survive, survive. She places the pipe on the dressing table "Will you be down here tonight for the launch?" She asks, I quickly shake my head in refusal then pause before shrugging "I honestly don't know" I chuckle humourlessly at the prospect that I don't know exactly what I'm to do "I used to know what I was doing and then... he jumped out from the cold, Mel jumped off and there's tension from all passengers" we're all locked in this steel cage, the space between us: suffocating and alienating.