Becoming Hers

37

The plane ride was quiet and dreadfully long.

I couldn't stop replaying what my mother had said to me and the despair lingering on her every word.

I felt like an awful daughter. Even if it wasn't my fault, I should have made more of an effort to seek them out, hear about their days, and .....and.....

The tears started rolling out on their own accord, drenching my face. I immediately covered it to avoid being watched or gaining any unnecessary attention.

The second we departed the aircraft, I was out and running to go call an Uber, taxi, or any form of transport only to hear Felix had hired a car already.

"Can I drive...please"

A nod was all I needed and I was in, buckling my belt and checking the mirrors.

Once he was in, I started the engine and roared away from the airport at a little under full speed. Straight to the hospital to see them.

The night prior, I had contacted her again, asking for their whereabouts and at what time I could visit, then I memorized it. This was my home town so I knew where basically everything was and I planned to use that fact to help me.

The second we arrived, I sped into a parking slot and jumped out, leaving Felix worried, the bags tossed hard to one side, the car in an inverted manner out of the slot, and ran.

"Excuse me, what room will I find Mr. Burnwal?"

"Room 302 on the third floor. Who are you? " The nurse answered, grabbing a little book and pen

"Thank you" I yelled and ran to the elevator.

"Ma'am, I need your name! I have to write it down! Ma'am !" She yelled behind me.

I would return and fill in the details later but first, I had to see them.

The elevator music was causing a  chaotic rumble in my head. Hurting my insides. Twisting my thoughts and leaving me in painful turmoil. Once it stopped i skidded ot of the elevator and ran down the hallway checking and double checking the numbers on the doors looking for number 302.

Then I found it. Closed and quiet - a problem. My heart beat faster and faster and I hadn't realised how long I had stood outside until I felt a tap on my shoulder.

"You know, he won't actually see you if you're outside so maybe...go in"

I took a shaky breath and placed my hand on the door only to hesitate. My body trembled in anticipation and frivolous fear. 

He is alive

He is fine

Dad is in there.....

smiling. Please let him be smiling, and happy and with mum, together.......please

Within a second the door clicked and I was in, tip toeing to the bed where I stopped. He wasn't okay, he wasn't happy but in pain, he wasn't with mom but alone, aching and holding onto his sides as if they were quacking inside him.

I rapidly turned to the side, ready to leave when I came face to face with her, hands coupled with food and drinks. I couldn't run, not when she had seen me. I stared at her and her smile slowly made an appearance, a sad one but one of reuniting.

I smiled back.

"Mom"

She sighed a bit, placing the food on the seat and turning back to me.  Then she let her body envelope mine in the embrace i had grown up with , the embrace I missed oh so dearly. 

"Jennie"

Within a second, we heard Dad's voice emanating from the bed and I had to put on a brave smile and pretend I hadn't seen him literally crying out for help. We both walked to him and his face brightened instantaneously.

"Don't tell me you came  back to see your old man . I hope your mother didn't scare you with talks of my hospitalisation - its not serious just back aches,  its probable it may be arthritis catching upm with me" he snickered, 

I wish I could do so with him but I couldn't bring myself to accept his lies. 

"Excuse me."

I pardoned myself and left the room to go to the bathroom, which I couldn't find. It took so long my mother came out and found me, breathing deeply, shaking a little with fear for him. Felix was there too, coming up to me to help after returning from the lower floors where he'd gone to do who nows what.

"Excuse me, you must be her work mate, yes?If you'd like, you can go back in with us, introduce yourself. I'm sure her dad would like that"

She placed her hand on my shoulder and smiled. I had returned it.

But, something in me snapped at her words and I became emotional. He was here , struggling while I was out on holiday. Without a word i shrugged off her hands practically heaving at this point, my body temperature rising steadily ,then I turned to look at her through my glossy eyes and pivoted to walk away, march off actually.

"Jennie" I heard Felix' voice pipe up but he was silenced. Mom's told him. I sighed. They probably went back to the room with her shoving him in as I wandered off. I didn't return to the room for the next 3 hours, crying my heart out in a stall by the wall.

Dad was always the strong one. Never cried or showed any fear . He was resolute and formidable with his 5 foot 11 self towering everyone I knew, scaring them, scaring me.

I hated seeing him so frail and broken like an infant. I wanted to hit something, anything. So I did. I pounded the wall countless times until I realised what I'd done.

With my bloody hand, I walked out of the bathroom to see a nurse and patch it up. But right outside was a man, more frightening than anything I had thought of.

With no one around, he placed a hand on my mouth and pushed me back in so swiftly before locking the door.

Had I mentioned how late it was yet? Literally night time, meaning visiting hours had probably come to an end and I didn't even spend any time with him. I felt like throwing my hand against the wall again.

"Your hand"

I wanted to hate him. To attack him and hurt him. To strip away his life or surprise him with a suicide note from his sister Mary whom he loves. But there was no Mary and there was no killing him.

He didn't deserve that. He was sweet, at least now he was. And wasn't even awfully persistent anymore. But how I wished he could feel any pain, my hurt, and understand.

"You can hit me"

I stared at him, about to start bawling again

"Hit me, yell at me, take a dagger to my heart.....just do something. It's unnatural having you this quiet"

I shoved myself away from him realizing how cruel he was being making it seem like some petty fight we were having instead of acknowledging that my father could be........... could be........dying.

"Please...Jennie " his whimpering voice broke my heart

Then the flood cascaded through and I fell to the floor, kneeling with my hands over my face.

"I.....I don't want him to go.....to die and leave me......and Mom.......oh what will she do if he dies?! She is hopelessly in love with him and his every nonsensical bit"

I wept for a while and he crouched down to hug me, like before. Not saying a word but allowing me to realize his existence nevertheless.

"I hate .......I hate y-......I hate ....i-- I"

I wanted to scream and blame everyone else but the obvious problem was old age and it's menacing tactics.

"I wish I could replace him"

I whispered, losing the last bit of my breath before finally exhausting myself. I fell to the ground, my body going limp.

I see my wish came true. How ironic