Until Then. // denis shapovalov - sascha zverev

5.4 - which one?

Willow's POV

I let out a shaky breath, looking down at my phone. I don't know why I can't get to texting Denis. I can't get over the fact that he's such an amazing person and treats me exactly how I've always wanted yet I still don't know who I want. I literally kissed Alex last night. Even though Denis and I haven't chatted in almost a week, my kiss with Alex last night still felt wrong. It still feels like I cheated on Denis. He needs to know.

I leave back to the US in three days for Lavar Cup, but Alex is headed over tomorrow. I guess I won't be seeing him until I'm back in the US. I sigh, turning off the hose and heading back into my home as my phone immediately buzzes in my hand. I look down, startled, seeing my phone light up with a notification from Denis. I open the text.

Denis: Hey Willow, I wanted to apologize for my behavior last Friday. I should trust you and I had a few days to think about it and I think I'm just stressed about long distance. It's my first time doing something like this and I really want to make things work with you.

I slowly let out a long breath. I know this has been going on for too long and I need to put an end to it. This has been going on for too long and I can't keep stringing him along if I'm not 100% sure about my feelings. I move in slow motion, my fingers feeling heavy. I scroll down my contacts, find his name, click on it, and my finger hovers over the 'call' button. I mutter under my breath before pressing it and throwing my phone to the couch as if it's a bomb.

"Shit, shit, shit, shit," I mummer, sprinting over to where my phone was thrown at the couch, and I stare at the phone ringing. It goes on its cycle couple times as I watch while biting my fingernails. I count the seconds it takes before he picks up the phone. After almost a minute, I reach back to tap to light up the screen and hang up the phone. I shrug, he could be training right now. I think to myself.

I mentally let out a sigh of relief that he didn't pick up until the phone lights up. It's glowing 'Denis is calling...' at full brightness. I watch my phone blink and vibrate, and my heartbeat quickens again. I stare at phone, scared that if I touch it, a bomb will go off. It rings for the seventh time.

"Okay," I say to myself grabbing my phone off from the couch and hitting 'answer,' clenching my phone in my hands, anxiously trembling. "Hello?"

"Willow! Hey, sorry, you called?" Denis asks. "Everything okay?"

"Oh, um." I hear my voice shake and I stop talking to let out a breath and then respond, "Are you free? Right now?"

"Yeah, yeah, I was just watching a video. What's up?" He asks.

I hear a chair creak, and I imagine him leaning back on his seat.

"Hey, so, I just, I've had something on my mind," I say. "And, and I've been wanting to talk to you about this for awhile... but it's just been so hard to find the right time and the right moment..." I take a deep breath at the silence from the other side of the line. "But I think I need to call it quits."

I wait for a response, but my words are complimented with silence.

"Denis..." I say. "Denis- I- it's not your fault. At all. You've been so, so, so great to me and I'm so grateful for you and you would be such a great boyfriend for someone and maybe it'll be me in a few years down the line, I don't know, but I'm just in such a weird and awkward and bad headspace right now and if there's one inch of doubt inside me I don't want to string you along because that's unfair to the both of us and-"

"When did you start doubting us?" Denis asks. "How long ago? When we were in New York?"

"No! No, but we only really dated for, like, a week before we were thrown into long distance, and I just feel like I wasn't ready for that after dating for such a short term..." I hesitate for a second, thinking about Alex. Did I have feelings for Alex in New York? I mean, I know I thought about it... My stomach twists in guilt. Apart of me wants to tell Denis, but the other part of me thinks that if I lie, a little, I'm helping protect his feelings.

"Was it Alex?" Denis asks, reading my mind.

"N-, I- I don't- I don't know," I stutter. "I don't think it was."

"If you don't think it was Alex, was it that big fight we had because of Alex? When I went to go visit?" Denis asks.

"It was before that... I don't specifically know when, but I guess in New York, I was trying to decide who I thought I saw something with, and I had chosen you. I promise you, I still picked you, regardless of Alex," I say. "But I've just been all over the place mentally and I don't want you to think it's your fault and I wanted you to know that... that it's not like I think we're over! I promise, it's just that I'm not mentally ready for a relationship and I think it's unfair for me to hold onto you if I don't know what I want... And it could be you, it could be Alex, it could be anyone else! And as long as I still think that, then I feel like I can't be with you."

"But Willow-" I hear Denis' voice crack and I wince with guilt. "Willow, I am willing to wait for when you do decide. I want to."

"Denis-" I pause, feeling the worst that I possibly could. "Denis, I don't want you to do that, that would make me feel even more horrible than I already feel," I sigh. "I don't want you to wait for me because yes, there's a chance that I could realize that I really do see myself with you long term, but there's also a chance that I won't, and I can't live with myself knowing that if it's the second option, you're still there waiting for me."

"I just... I just don't know where to go from here, Willow... I literally... I'm going to see you in a week... And it's gonna kill me that I can't just sprint to you and hug you and kiss you," Denis says.

I shake my head, feeling absolutely terrible. "I'm sorry," I whisper. "I'm so, so, so sorry, Denis" I apologize again, not knowing what to say. "I'm so sorry."

I hear him clear his throat on the other line and sniffle before saying, "Alright, I'm gonna go now, Willa... But you won't change my mind when I genuinely mean that I will wait for you and if you end up texting me one day saying you're ready and I don't want to put any pressure on you, but I want you to know that's how important you are to me and how much I can see myself with you... I love you, bye."

I stand here, empty, with my phone against my ear, confused and lost as I hear him end the call. I can't move. He just told me that he loves me even after I broke up with him.